PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => General Relationship => Topic started by: JonniJacko on November 19, 2024, 06:04:23 AM
-
is it really love though? or the thought of loving someone but knowing they're not that someone..haha. .great article IMO. Just wish I knew this a lot sooner...Would have saved me a ton of headaches...LO L
https://hackspirit.com/10-signs-you-love-each-other-a-lot-but-you-just-werent-meant-to-be/
-
Just because you check off all the boxes on someone's list, it doesn't mean that they want to be with you. Especially when it's obvious they put a lot more effort (action) into a relationship that was supposedly toxic according to them. It just means they wish the other person had your traits and are using your energy so they can deal with the dysfunction at home. The other person is who they're comfortable with and will choose to be with.
My friend told me that he stayed in his marriage after his wife cheated on him several times and even had a child with one of her lovers. They were on the brink of divorce and was separated for a time. But then he went back because he was comfortable and now that he's old, he's not interested in starting over. Starting over means having to learn someone's habits, getting used to someone else's flaws, and putting effort in himself. He and the wife don't love each other like that anymore but they're used to each other. It doesn't bother him anymore that she comes and goes as she pleases, and he does the same. It is actually quite liberating to have no expectations but still know that person won't leave, and you can still have them do favors from time to time. In a nutshell, it is a marriage of convenience but works for them and the children they have together.
-
I heard from somewhere that men choose the woman they feel the most comfortable with. This is so they can be the worst version of themselves without fear of abandonment. ::)
I actually believe this is true. There are a lot of men who love to fantasize about their dream girl, and won't miss the opportunity to flirt or even cheat with the women who they're highly attracted to. But will they marry this woman? Nope.
They go home to the woman who will take their crap. Now this doesn't mean that she doesn't get in his face and incite arguments. It's the fact that she won't leave and keeps serving him - and that's why he'll choose her time and time again. He will just tune her out as long as she still takes care of everything else.
It's about power and ego. Their dreamgirl makes them feel too vulnerable. They're afraid that she will abandon them. It's more comfortable to be with a woman who isn't on their level and cheat with someone who is.
-
Just because you check off all the boxes on someone's list, it doesn't mean that they want to be with you. Especially when it's obvious they put a lot more effort (action) into a relationship that was supposedly toxic according to them. It just means they wish the other person had your traits and are using your energy so they can deal with the dysfunction at home. The other person is who they're comfortable with and will choose to be with.
My friend told me that he stayed in his marriage after his wife cheated on him several times and even had a child with one of her lovers. They were on the brink of divorce and was separated for a time. But then he went back because he was comfortable and now that he's old, he's not interested in starting over. Starting over means having to learn someone's habits, getting used to someone else's flaws, and putting effort in himself. He and the wife don't love each other like that anymore but they're used to each other. It doesn't bother him anymore that she comes and goes as she pleases, and he does the same. It is actually quite liberating to have no expectations but still know that person won't leave, and you can still have them do favors from time to time. In a nutshell, it is a marriage of convenience but works for them and the children they have together.
Yes, it's not uncommon these days for couples who have cheated on each other to reconcile. To some, their relationship only gets stronger and deeper from it, if it's a one time thing...You know, one or two or both were too busy working, one or both lacks the emotional need, comes a very sexually appealing co-worker, heck, they see this co-worker more than their spouse...and well you know the rest of the story...hahaha
But, I don't know..Some men, I feel are insecure. Like a lot of Hmong dudes I know...They have a wife, kids...They call these young girls overseas with their prepaid cell phones..LOL knowing nothing is gonna come out from it...But to them, it's like brushing their game, feeling good for themselves..be ing entertain and feeling validated..etc ...Truth is, if their wife leaves or cheats on them, they will lose their balls....lol
Yeah, people just need to be honest and upfront...with their real intentions. Some are okay with flings, dates, having fun...But someone eventually gets hurt...so only mess with someone who is serious and shown they don't fuke around...like literally too....lol
-
I heard from somewhere that men choose the woman they feel the most comfortable with. This is so they can be the worst version of themselves without fear of abandonment. ::)
I actually believe this is true. There are a lot of men who love to fantasize about their dream girl, and won't miss the opportunity to flirt or even cheat with the women who they're highly attracted to. But will they marry this woman? Nope.
They go home to the woman who will take their crap. Now this doesn't mean that she doesn't get in his face and incite arguments. It's the fact that she won't leave and keeps serving him - and that's why he'll choose her time and time again. He will just tune her out as long as she still takes care of everything else.
It's about power and ego. Their dreamgirl makes them feel too vulnerable. They're afraid that she will abandon them. It's more comfortable to be with a woman who isn't on their level and cheat with someone who is.
It make sense to the Average Joes....lols. I came across a youtube video of a guy who talks about "handsome men " game, and how Handsome men would failed miserably with conventional dating approaches designed to help the average Joe emit attraction..LO L
Basically he said, Handsome men just needs to say what is needed, and have a high sexual appeal and energy and is 120% sure of himself. LOL I find it true..when Im 120%, I don't need to do anything or say much...but as soon as I talk too much or cracked too many jokes....it kills the preconceive value women in general have for handsome, successful men...
But I'm gonna be a kid forever..I don't wanna grow up...haha
-
I don't believe their love grows stronger and deeper. It's more like trauma bond. They've already been the worst versions of themselves to each other and now there is no secrecy, but there is also no pressure to be good. For a lot of people, that is very liberating and creates a comfortable environment.
When people get to a level where they are being very horrible, it actually scares them to try to start new. They're afraid the new person will find out how dirty they can be in a relationship and won't accept that version.
I believe this is why a lot of Hmong OGs stay. It's not because they love each other but because they're too tired to start over, which would require them to put effort into impressing someone with no guarantees that it will even work out. Also, if the other person is an older single (divorced, widowed, or has been in a lot of relationships), they also have a lot of baggage so why not just stay with the current person whom you're already familiar with their crap?
Unless of course, it's a younger person oversea. Looks like that younger person's attention makes them feel young again.
-
Transactional marriages/relationships do have staying power because there is very few emotions involved. That takes off the pressure for both people.
I just listened to a Nancy Yang story that was about a man whose been married 7 times and divorced 6. So far, the last wife seems to be going okay because it's all about convenience. What happened was that he decided to no longer make attraction a priority, as long as he wasn't completely repulsed by the woman. His libido had been shot a long time ago anyways and so he knew dating for attraction wasn't going to work in his favor anyways.
Anyways, the widow of an older relative kept asking him to come help around her farm and rental properties. One day she made an advance at him and made a proposal. She was looking for a man to help around and be a companion. She didn't care that his private part was disfigured and that he couldn't put it up anymore. The man, seeing that he wasn't financially stable and didn't have his life put together, saw that it was a good setup for him and agreed to her proposition.
He says that he is finally at peace. Of course, he is. There are no expectations. He isn't emotionally vulnerable towards her. He views her as a housemate who sometimes may or may not have sex with and will perform wifely responsibiliti es to give him stability. She isn't looking for romantic love either, just a man to do man's work and accompany her to family events so that she has some status.
-
I don't believe their love grows stronger and deeper. It's more like trauma bond. They've already been the worst versions of themselves to each other and now there is no secrecy, but there is also no pressure to be good. For a lot of people, that is very liberating and creates a comfortable environment.
When people get to a level where they are being very horrible, it actually scares them to try to start new. They're afraid the new person will find out how dirty they can be in a relationship and won't accept that version.
I believe this is why a lot of Hmong OGs stay. It's not because they love each other but because they're too tired to start over, which would require them to put effort into impressing someone with no guarantees that it will even work out. Also, if the other person is an older single (divorced, widowed, or has been in a lot of relationships), they also have a lot of baggage so why not just stay with the current person whom you're already familiar with their crap?
Unless of course, it's a younger person oversea. Looks like that younger person's attention makes them feel young again.
Hmmm...yeah... maybe...to some yes. But to ALan Jackson, it was the real test of love....haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0VuYu2qlBw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0VuYu2qlBw)
-
Transactional marriages/relationships do have staying power because there is very few emotions involved. That takes off the pressure for both people.
I just listened to a Nancy Yang story that was about a man whose been married 7 times and divorced 6. So far, the last wife seems to be going okay because it's all about convenience. What happened was that he decided to no longer make attraction a priority, as long as he wasn't completely repulsed by the woman. His libido had been shot a long time ago anyways and so he knew dating for attraction wasn't going to work in his favor anyways.
Anyways, the widow of an older relative kept asking him to come help around her farm and rental properties. One day she made an advance at him and made a proposal. She was looking for a man to help around and be a companion. She didn't care that his private part was disfigured and that he couldn't put it up anymore. The man, seeing that he wasn't financially stable and didn't have his life put together, saw that it was a good setup for him and agreed to her proposition.
He says that he is finally at peace. Of course, he is. There are no expectations. He isn't emotionally vulnerable towards her. He views her as a housemate who sometimes may or may not have sex with and will perform wifely responsibiliti es to give him stability. She isn't looking for romantic love either, just a man to do man's work and accompany her to family events so that she has some status.
Nancy Yang is not a very good story teller....Ever yone knows the real reason for those type of relationships. ..she wants money, he wants sex...LOL
-
Nancy Yang is hilarious! I don't like May Vang. Her voice puts me to sleep and every story is a sob story. I prefer Jenny Vang, Mab Yaj, and Nancy Yang.
Anyways, no, this guy doesn't have money. All his previous relationships took too much out of him because he invested too much into them only for the wives to leave him high and dry. He is with the widower because she can provide stability. She already has a house, money, and is willing to perform traditional wifely duties in exchange to have his company when needed and his labor to take care of her businesses/properties.
I'm a bit confused about his situation though. He said that he had children. Did he take the children to live with the widower, too? Or were they grown up and out of the house by then? What had happened was that after his 2nd wife left, he got the house. He told his parents to be the caretakers and help him raise the children while he moved to another state to work on himself. The children also frequently went to stay at their mom's home. It sounded like he never took his children into any of the subsequent marriages. I think the kids went between their grandparents and mom the whole time because he wanted them to have stability. He was parenting from a distance.
-
Nancy Yang is hilarious! I don't like May Vang. Her voice puts me to sleep and every story is a sob story. I prefer Jenny Vang, Mab Yaj, and Nancy Yang.
Anyways, no, this guy doesn't have money. All his previous relationships took too much out of him because he invested too much into them only for the wives to leave him high and dry. He is with the widower because she can provide stability. She already has a house, money, and is willing to perform traditional wifely duties in exchange to have his company when needed and his labor to take care of her businesses/properties.
I'm a bit confused about his situation though. He said that he had children. Did he take the children to live with the widower, too? Or were they grown up and out of the house by then? What had happened was that after his 2nd wife left, he got the house. He told his parents to be the caretakers and help him raise the children while he moved to another state to work on himself. The children also frequently went to stay at their mom's home. It sounded like he never took his children into any of the subsequent marriages. I think the kids went between their grandparents and mom the whole time because he wanted them to have stability. He was parenting from a distance.
Must be because of his package size down there then. LOL Circumstances will change people's standards due to the fear of being alone. Whatever works, but in this case, both parties had probably exhausted their options or their world is coming to a end...and having companionship is priority to them. Something is better than nothing...haha
These new breeds are kids are different though. I work with a bunch of them and most are just so angry for existing...LOL For sure, they will be like, nope, don't know don't care- I'm dying alone if I have to....hahaha I think most just don't feel the need to have a partner as much. This shift in in human evolution might mean a decline in marriages, population, and possibly to a revolution....
Only the Universe knows...haha
-
lol
How did you know that it had to do with his package size? You are correct!
That's why he settled for that widower because she claimed that it wasn't important to her. It made sense to the both of them to be together. She already had an amazing life with her late husband, who was the love of her life. Now she was in the season of having a man to help her with her properties. lol and also to accompany her to family gatherings. She didn't have a strong desire to feel loved, beautiful, attractive, etc. and romanced. She was really looking for a responsible guy to work around the house.
And that dude wanted a traditional woman who will be at home, cook dinner, do laundry, and leave him alone. Oh and have a stable place for him to live because he said all the other relationships ruined him financially and sexually lol (you must hear how!). He wasted $10k on an engagement ring to the 6th girlfriend only to have her call off the wedding.
-
lol
How did you know that it had to do with his package size? You are correct!
That's why he settled for that widower because she claimed that it wasn't important to her. It made sense to the both of them to be together. She already had an amazing life with her late husband, who was the love of her life. Now she was in the season of having a man to help her with her properties. lol and also to accompany her to family gatherings. She didn't have a strong desire to feel loved, beautiful, attractive, etc. and romanced. She was really looking for a responsible guy to work around the house.
And that dude wanted a traditional woman who will be at home, cook dinner, do laundry, and leave him alone. Oh and have a stable place for him to live because he said all the other relationships ruined him financially and sexually lol (you must hear how!). He wasted $10k on an engagement ring to the 6th girlfriend only to have her call off the wedding.
What I am saying is, I don't know if this story is true...LOL I mean...I can see two people who's been through thick and thin since high school, with so many memories, good and bad, still co-existing even without physical attraction or intimacy no more...But I just can't see two people who's been through many lows, coming together at much later stages in life, for the sake of companionship. ..haha But you know, people are different..hah a maybe some people reach those golden moments faster...
A friend of mines is a nurse, and he said, sometimes they get patients where nobody visits...these elderly patient he tend to tells him the same...They don't think about loving others, forgiving, etc until now, when nobody comes to visit them, not even children...hah a
So the fear of being alone can be high for some....and to some they see it before it's too late.
-
Only Jenny Vang knows if the story is true or not because the person calls in their story. O0
-
A transactional union can be or is probably a better option for some, if not most out there. Esp, if one or both parties have gone through many highs and lows in life. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, well just another low in life....LOL but it shouldn't mean one should give up on the faith that they're capable of loving and being love again after love....or is it life after love? haha
Life was not meant to be happy. It was really meant to be hard....Only the universe knows why. It wouldn't be exciting anymore if we all know why. LOL Someone said to me once, it's actually the stress, daily grind, and hate for things and others that is keeping some people alive....I think it's most people...LMAO
-
I saw a video from relationship counselors and divorce lawyers who say that a lot of men don't marry or get into a relationship with the woman they love and are strongly attracted to. Many men view a relationship as transactional. Some men want to preserve their independence, therefore, they seek a woman who will fulfill the expected role (housekeeping, having children, maintain family obligations, etc.), which then leaves them room to be independent. It also means they don't feel emotionally vulnerable to this woman. It's also an ego thing. These men are very fearful of disappointing the woman who they do love and are strongly attracted to.
It's funny because I've actually heard some men say this very thing. They say don't marry the one you really like because she'll consume your thoughts. Marry the one who will get along with your mother, clan, and is willing to take care of the house while you go out and about.
It's also funny because some men totally hate the woman they're with but won't leave. I just saw a psychologist explain this. It's because even though he can't stand her, she provides the things that make his life comfortable. These men compartmentali ze their life. They don't have real relationships with anyone.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLaXIpFhrB0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLaXIpFhrB0)
Clips of men saying how they don't marry for love. It's all transactional. They want a woman who will make their life easier even if they don't like her in that way very much. Over time, if her personality isn't so bad then he might grow to love her romantically. Otherwise, he may only have transactional love for her, which is why you sometimes hear a man say to his wife/girlfriend, "If I don't love you then why am I still here?" Well yeah, for the benefits only.
-
Have faith Bnm, good people still exists. Hmong and blacks though, still got long ways to go. Lol
-
Have faith Bnm, good people still exists. Hmong and blacks though, still got long ways to go. Lol
Racist! :D
-
Racist! :D
I wonder who showed me. Hippocricket? Lol
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLaXIpFhrB0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLaXIpFhrB0)
Clips of men saying how they don't marry for love. It's all transactional. They want a woman who will make their life easier even if they don't like her in that way very much. Over time, if her personality isn't so bad then he might grow to love her romantically. Otherwise, he may only have transactional love for her, which is why you sometimes hear a man say to his wife/girlfriend, "If I don't love you then why am I still here?" Well yeah, for the benefits only.
Come onnn BNM, you don't believe this is the majority of men's mentality do you? In fact, as a man myself, I can tell you, this is a very very small percentage of Men....consist ing mostly of Black and Hmong men....LOL
If you haven't heard, MGTOW is a very real movement and women should really be worrying....LO L
-
Come onnn BNM, you don't believe this is the majority of men's mentality do you? In fact, as a man myself, I can tell you, this is a very very small percentage of Men....consist ing mostly of Black and Hmong men....LOL
If you haven't heard, MGTOW is a very real movement and women should really be worrying....LO L
I don't believe that this is the majority of men's mentality. It seems to be more applicable to men who find themselves repeatedly in toxic relationships. I noticed that the women who have become very anti-men seem to be only attracting men who are anti-women. And the men who are anti-women, seem to only be interested in these women. lol! These videos are nothing but them talking about their experiences with each other. lol
Birds of a feather, flock together.
-
I don't believe that this is the majority of men's mentality. It seems to be more applicable to men who find themselves repeatedly in toxic relationships. I noticed that the women who have become very anti-men seem to be only attracting men who are anti-women. And the men who are anti-women, seem to only be interested in these women. lol! These videos are nothing but them talking about their experiences with each other. lol
Birds of a feather, flock together.
Some people prefer the primal ways. It just feels more natural to them. Plus it's stimulating. LOL Some men prefer the "toxic" type, just as some women prefer the "bad boy". It's both emotionally and uhh bedroom rituals stimulating. LOL This is why, it's important that humans recognize when to be primal, when to be human, and when to be spiritual. Too much of either is like anything else in life, not good. Although, being primal should be very very minimal, some people are naturally default to lean more on the primal realm. Too human can lead to hopelessness, and too spiritual can lead to overwhelming weight to carry.
The key is to evaluate a person if they have a healthy balance between body, soul, and mind. haha Yup, that's it, it's that easy. But depending which part of the world you live in, people who are well balance may be a rare breed. LOL
-
is it really love though? or the thought of loving someone but knowing they're not that someone..haha. .great article IMO. Just wish I knew this a lot sooner...Would have saved me a ton of headaches...LO L
https://hackspirit.com/10-signs-you-love-each-other-a-lot-but-you-just-werent-meant-to-be/
I finally clicked on this link and read the article. LOL!
Nah...I don't buy it. You can check off all the things on a person's box but if they want to be with someone who doesn't, they will put all effort into having a relationship with that person. They are never too busy.
Something that I have learned is that just because I have strong feelings for a person, it doesn't mean that I should be in a relationship with them.
-
I finally clicked on this link and read the article. LOL!
Nah...I don't buy it. You can check off all the things on a person's box but if they want to be with someone who doesn't, they will put all effort into having a relationship with that person. They are never too busy.
Something that I have learned is that just because I have strong feelings for a person, it doesn't mean that I should be in a relationship with them.
I am confused here? Rephrase in 1st grade English for me. LOl
-
I am confused here? Rephrase in 1st grade English for me. LOl
Some people need drama in their relationship to feel validated and desired.
-
Some people need drama in their relationship to feel validated and desired.
I see. For some, drama is the only way they know to emit stimulation. Mind stimulation that is. Just like a jerk, whose really a nice guy, but feels he needs to be a jerk to get respect. Horrible idea. Lol
-
Here is what I believe based on experience.
Who we end up with is somewhat determined by fate. God brings the people into our circle and then it is up to us to put in the effort to make it happen. Having said that, some relationships inevitably end or they never take off despite all our efforts.
Some people believe that we have karmic contracts with people and when the contract ends, so does the relationship.
All I know is that the person for you will always be for you.
-
Here is what I believe based on experience.
Who we end up with is somewhat determined by fate. God brings the people into our circle and then it is up to us to put in the effort to make it happen. Having said that, some relationships inevitably end or they never take off despite all our efforts.
Some people believe that we have karmic contracts with people and when the contract ends, so does the relationship.
All I know is that the person for you will always be for you.
Remember BNM, that is only in the movies and novelties. Love in real life comes down to two people making the choice to give it a chance and see where it goes. If it goes well, Then, it all lies in the care, protection, and nurture they give it.
A couple falls short, only when.....one or both have fail to protect it or prevent it from failing...prot ection from intruders, physical and spiritual..fai ling to prevent it from failing, such as friendly flirtings at workplaces, or not being honest of their status...Take for examples many of our elders. They are with their first. Many of them...lol They have no idea what they're doing by coming to AMerica and popping out hella kids for no damn logical reason...LOL
But they had the foundations correct. Faith, love, and hope. And everything falls into place.....one way or another...haha