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Messages - Asharia

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Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: February 05, 2019, 11:17:13 PM »
I lie on my childhood bed and stare up at the ceiling, filled with old posters and glow in the dark stars. I remember how I used to lie here staring at those stars, dreaming of different lands, different people, and different adventures. How naive I was back then. How different I am now, so far away from the girl I used to be. She was so hopeful, so vulnerable, so full of light. I am not her anymore. I can't seem to find a proper outlet for all this rage and hurt I feel. It devours me a little bit each day, and I honestly don't know what to do. Lying here, surrounded by boxes filled with all my old things, books and journals and CDs, I feel part of me drifting away like a rudderless, anchorless boat that's been cast out to sea. I will never be that girl again. I will never feel that same hope and anticipation for a future that I can now see slipping away from me. The walls of this room are bare now, and soon I'll also take down the stars from the ceiling. I'm saving them for last. Maybe part of me wants to lie on this bed one last time, staring up at those stars that used to help take me to other boundless, beautiful adventures. Maybe I want to reach out to that girl I used to be and give her a proper goodbye, thank her for having hope even though it didn't stay to the present. And then, finally, for the last time, close my eyes to the sight of pretty, yellow stars shining steadily in the dark.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: February 03, 2019, 02:28:56 PM »
Today I got a harsh reminder why I shouldn't rely on anyone, whether family or friend. Thanks again for reminding why I'm better off alone. Just when I thought it was okay, too. I'm relieved, really, to have this happen now. I'm not even disappointed. Just glad. Glad for my own fucking self. Glad I'm able to protect myself even if it means pulling away from the world. It won't get anything more from me. It doesn't fucking deserve anything else.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: January 23, 2019, 09:47:29 PM »
It's cold outside, the snow a thick layer muffling the city sounds and absorbing the cold rays of the sun. An icy breeze finds its way into the emptiness inside me, curling around like a serpent seeking a heat source. I barely feel it settle. I had asked for solitude and silence. It was given without struggle. I had asked for an end to the turmoil in my heart and soul--now I am empty.

I can see how wrong I was to wish for such things. Emptiness only makes it easier for other terrible things to claim me. Things like doubt and loneliness. Confusion and sadness. I am beset by the strange and lonely feeling of being unable to express my feelings in words. If I can't even communicate how scared I am, how alone I feel, how can I ever get through this? I can't do this alone. Oh, that awful word--alone. I am alone though. It is starting to occur to me that my failure to move forward is because I keep thinking I have to go through it alone--practicing for a grim future. Hope is just a fantasy and a luxury that I can ill afford.

But I can't. Can't do it alone.  My heart has always known that even if my mind ran away from the truth. And I am so good at pretending not to see.

So I practice my words again like a child learning how to read and write.

I am alone and scared. I feel the path of an empty future stretching in front of me, and it fills me with equal parts fear and devastation. I fear a life void of all meaning. Material things and adventures and experiences only enhance the pointlessness of life. Part of me knows that they should enhance the vivacity of our lives and of the world, but I can't stop the void from eating everything on its path towards me. I no longer seek a home in others; I only seek one in myself. However this home of mine is plagued with silence and self-doubt, with a shaky fence and stairs that creak and a window that looks out on a world that's filled with people and love and sunshine that I can't seem to reach. Is the lock on the door on my side or the outside? Can I step outside and have the courage to once again invite people in?

Part of me knows that the more honest I am with myself, the braver my heart will be. I am alone, and it scares me. I am scared that I want to be alone, that it will turn me into someone who no longer desires friendship and love. I am not an independent creature for my soul longs to connect with another. The solitude only represses the symptoms--it doesn't cure the condition. Yet I keep vacillating between solitude and society, unable to choose.

Life is rapidly going by. I feel its loss every year, like a cold nip of winter that settles beneath my chest and refuses to leave. It's the long lost love song that I keep hidden in the depths of my heart. It's every goodbye I ever uttered. It's the blurry uncertainty that I see when I lift my head, and the creep of the voice telling me that it's too late even though I know that it's not. It's not too late. It's not too late.

Life is love and warm breeze and green leaf. It is also snow-covered lilacs and bare pine. It is a home built in my mind for anyone who once loved me and who loves me still--for those I love as well. It is more than fear and loneliness, more than hungry voids of darkness, more than anything that takes and never gives. I am alone, yes, that terrible, angst-filled word. But I will not falter. I will still get up. My heart perseveres. My soul endures.

In the midst of it all, I am not lost.

Do you even see what's happening in the photos?? The cops are not arresting these men because of their race. These guys are being arrested for illegally selling counterfeit eiffel tower souvenirs. They usually prowl around landmarks in the hopes of selling to unsuspecting tourists. I was approached several times when I visited the eiffel tower, and my French cousin would always tell them no. When I saw them running away, I asked her what was going on and she pointed to the french cops nearby, saying that if they were caught they'd be arrested. So please, stop assuming that the cops are arresting people based on their skin color just to prove a point.

General Discussion / Re: Another Word and Thing You Cannot Do
« on: October 30, 2018, 05:23:01 PM »
Hm yeah, she should've known better.

General Relationship / Re: Hmong Women in California
« on: October 30, 2018, 05:18:09 PM »
Hi everyone,

I am not Hmong so I do have a couple question about American Hmong women. I once dated a couple of Hmong girls when I use to live in Sacramento, Ca.
I was very attracted to them but I found they liked to party and drink which was a deal breaker for me. I had talked to a couple other Hmong's who also liked clubbing and drinking.
Is this normal for Hmong women or was I taking to the wrong women? I am not into clubbing, drinking or parties. I feel I am too old for that and all I wanted was to have a strong relationship with a family.

I've met a couple of Hmong women from California and they seem cool to me. I'm sure there are all kinds of girls out there: clubbers, party girls, church girls, crafty girls, business girls, baker girls, educated girls, wanderlust girls, bohemian girls, monster girls, vampire girls, wiccan girls, hobo girls, kpop girls, fob girls, artistic girls, girls who talk too much, girls who don't talk at all, girls who lie, girls who tell the truth, girls who'll vote democrat in the upcoming election, girls who support trump (ugh), girls who'll drive all night to help out a friend, girls who prefer to stay home, girls who are full of pretension, girls who are humble, and the rarest unicorn of all, girls who aren't glued to their phone.

Good luck in your search.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: October 30, 2018, 05:09:54 PM »
It's okay to take a break. I always come back.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: October 27, 2018, 06:45:01 PM »
In my dream my phone rang and when I picked up I heard your voice. In the fuzzy depths of the dream your voice was exactly as I remembered it: deep and rich. It made me feel safe. It made me feel like I was home. You asked if I received the gift you sent me. I said yes. There was a short silence, filled with things I wanted to say but couldn't. I remember thinking, I wish this would last forever.

When I woke up, I couldn't remember the sound of your voice anymore. I couldn't remember any detail that used to fill me with such warmth and happiness. There was just the cold autumn sun burning mercilessly on the horizon. There was stillness and breath. Cold sheets. A sense of endlessness.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: October 16, 2018, 04:48:47 PM »
for a while i lost interest in my camera. my eyes were tired of looking through a lens, tired of framing the world to suit my own purposes. i couldn't find anything worth the film, not even the people i love the most. because let's face it, sometimes you need a break from everyone and everything. there was also the slowly creeping realization that i keep taking pictures of the same things over and over again, like i expect to find something different every time. am i taking pictures of the same things because they're beautiful, or is it because i can't make myself move on? are these photos a reflection of the stagnation in my life? and more to the point, why do i keep analyzing stupid things about myself and my life? isn't it enough that i have to live with myself already? why can't i see the world with clear eyes// why am i moving backwards when i know that i need to move forward// is this beating drum inside me going to burst and flood the world with all the malevolence it deserves?

i am calm. the world will survive, regardless of what i do or don't do. the earth will soak up the flood and keep breathing.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: October 14, 2018, 02:51:07 PM »
I've been dreaming about you.

In the dreams I'm always searching for you but never find you. Instead I find what you've left behind. Maybe your voice or something you've touched. Nothing that tells me where you are, only hints and clues that I keep uncovering as I fly from space to space.

The cosmic part of me wants to believe that you're in my dreams because you miss me too. That maybe you're also looking for me.

The realistic side of me says, it's just a dream.

Poetic Souls / Re: poetry book
« on: September 07, 2018, 10:33:38 PM »
to a friend--

tomorrow I'll see you for the last time
this space              so empty
so empty you've left behind
this weight:
is it the burden of mortal attachment?
is it the grief of sudden loss?
it coils inside, dark and heavy
reaping before we've begun to sow.

I see you in my dreams.
There, I forget that you are gone.
We walk outside towards a fantastic,
golden sunset.
"Stand there, let me take your picture," I say.
The light falls over your shoulders
but I can't see your face clearly.
I frown at my camera. "Let me take another."
In the mirror your reflection is blurry
like something is pulling you away.
Your face is beautiful, your smile unbroken.
Nothing in this dream is real, I think.

I'm hugging your mother
and we're both weeping.
She is broken. Two daughters taken.
It's unreal.

Now alone in my room,
I am weeping.
My eyes close. I can't say the words out loud.
Don't want to say anything anymore.
Every word cuts my tongue,
hurts my heart.
I want to believe
nothing in this life is real.

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: August 28, 2018, 03:45:16 PM »

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: August 21, 2018, 08:51:35 PM »
I can't believe you're really gone. I can't believe that I will never see you again. Can't believe that the world has taken another beautiful soul, one who really deserved life when there are so many others who don't. Is it a joke? I keep thinking it is, that someone will say that you're just fine, and the sadness in my heart will evaporate like the morning mist on a sunny day. Maybe it's hard to believe because all I've been hearing are words. Words spoken and words written, but just words. I haven't seen anything yet. There's no evidence to prove that you're really gone, none that I've yet to see.

My heart aches when I think about what you must have gone through. Details are sparse. All we know is that you went somewhere and your spirit never came back, only your body. Is that enough proof yet? No, it's not but if that's so then why do I weep?

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for visiting me at work because you knew it was hard for me to get away. Thank you for the dollar bill that you folded into a heart for me. Thank you for thinking of me, for being a good friend even when I wasn't one in return. Thank you for laughing with me, making me feel like a special friend, thank you for every good thing you did for me. I think the shock has passed. Now there is just this... this grief that I don't know how to process. Words fail me. I miss you, my dear friend. I hope your soul finds its way to your sister, and to God, and I hope you find yourself in a place of love and beauty where there are no dark spaces, no sadness, no loneliness. 

Online Journal / Re: bramble & ash
« on: August 17, 2018, 10:41:41 PM »

Darkness brings dreams, dreams bring you.
Pinpricks of light beneath my closed eyelids--
a fluttering of nerves,
a rush through my veins,
a quiet exhalation.

Ash, I think it's backlit but make your own judgement \_(ツ)_/

It's wonderfully backlit! I actually like this one better.

Ohhhh... Ash, wtf was I thinking  :'( and on the day before too. I've been scrubbing this soooooo hard and on both hands!!! OI VEY!!!!  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(  someone shoot meeeeeee...... noooowwwww

OMG they're gonna deem you a criminal now  ;D jk

Have you tried the olive oil/salt trick? Sometimes I also just use soap and scrub like crazy to help it fade faster.

On a different note though, it's very pretty.

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