PebHmong Discussion Forum

Creative Corner => Online Journal => Topic started by: Asharia on May 23, 2018, 11:58:04 PM

Title: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 23, 2018, 11:58:04 PM
I dreamed that I came upon a man trying to rape a girl. I was furious. At once I threw him off of her and then there was a knife in my hand. I stabbed him in the crotch and he fell down. Then suddenly it was like it wasn't me but someone else, and I was looking down on them from above. Yet I was still her, and I was also still detached, watching. A dark pool of blood slowly bloomed around the rapist's body like an unfurling rose, and in my heart I knew he was dead but I felt no regret. All I felt was glad, glad, glad.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 26, 2018, 06:33:57 PM
I remember a year when I was sick of seeing my lilacs. Sick of their pretty color and sick of their sweet fragrance. A deep restlessness stirred in my chest. My soul and body wanted to leave that place and find new flowers, to seek new colors.

Today I am at peace. I gaze upon these lilacs and feel calm, and loved, and whole.

(http://i66.tinypic.com/2zq4vv5.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 01, 2018, 01:00:46 PM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/zsk6xc.jpg)

"Names" by Fady Joudah
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 01, 2018, 01:41:40 PM
(http://i68.tinypic.com/16h0shg.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 03, 2018, 02:36:38 PM
I want to compare them to the stars, to light, to pepper.
I want to follow them. Want to do something
other than take this exit off the freeway
and leave them in my rearview mirror:
fumbling clear black angels, backup dancers, flawless cheerleading squad
from some more transcendent universe
piling up on one another, perfectly—swallowing the sky like a silk scarf,
above, silent, powerful, better than me, in every way,
hustling over the shipwrecked world.

-Bianca Stone, "Migration"


(http://i68.tinypic.com/24oamfs.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 04, 2018, 01:49:38 PM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/21o64qt.jpg)

-Renee Stout
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 06, 2018, 12:18:15 PM
(http://i67.tinypic.com/mcfckh.jpg)


This place used to be a place of solace for me. Sometimes it still is. It can quiet the ache in my heart. And sometimes it fills me with longing, but for what or who I'm not much sure of. I find myself unsure of many things these days, yet it doesn't fill me with the same kind of apprehension that I felt when I was younger. Maybe there is freedom to be had in that kind of uncertainty. Maybe uncertainty can be a conduit for newer things to come, surer things.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 07, 2018, 02:49:22 PM
infuse me with the scent of lilacs
and when I die
bury me beneath their fragrant flowers


(http://i64.tinypic.com/18hftt.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 13, 2018, 10:24:41 PM

pentax k1000 film camera






(http://i64.tinypic.com/11sfe9z.jpg)


(http://i66.tinypic.com/w2ipa0.jpg)


(http://i66.tinypic.com/2aafqro.jpg)


(http://i63.tinypic.com/2441yc3.jpg)


(http://i68.tinypic.com/2i2095k.jpg)


(http://i68.tinypic.com/20fdz0y.jpg)


(http://i63.tinypic.com/9i9q89.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 14, 2018, 11:03:42 PM
(http://i68.tinypic.com/35jkoxh.jpg)



Amendment
Christina Davis


The love of each of us
for some of us,

                        of some of us

for all of us—

                        and what would come if it were
                        welcome, if learning were
                        to prepare “a self with which to

welcome”

            the in-

admissible,        stranger

whose very being gives
evidence of
a discrepancy. School of our just

beginning to think
about this,        I believe
the seats will be peopled.



Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: DaCurse on June 15, 2018, 10:53:57 PM
(http://i67.tinypic.com/mcfckh.jpg)


This place used to be a place of solace for me. Sometimes it still is. It can quiet the ache in my heart. And sometimes it fills me with longing, but for what or who I'm not much sure of. I find myself unsure of many things these days, yet it doesn't fill me with the same kind of apprehension that I felt when I was younger. Maybe there is freedom to be had in that kind of uncertainty. Maybe uncertainty can be a conduit for newer things to come, surer things.

i need to go to this place right now! nice pic.  8)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 17, 2018, 02:03:51 PM
i need to go to this place right now! nice pic.  8)


thanks!
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 17, 2018, 02:04:53 PM

pentax k1000 film camera



(http://i64.tinypic.com/2dhvhok.jpg)


(http://i65.tinypic.com/2rzf491.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 26, 2018, 04:05:55 PM
Your bokeh is always so pretty. And you got your photos developed quick! I'm sitting on a few to be done (adding some more trips later this summer) then sending in my entire batch before I leave. Maybe I'll get a couple of good ones.


Show me when you get them done. I'd love to see what you shot! And I apologize beforehand if the ones I took turned out bad.  :-[
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 26, 2018, 04:08:09 PM
Pentax K1000 film camera






(http://i64.tinypic.com/qzljqd.jpg)


(http://i68.tinypic.com/2rxtctv.jpg)


(http://i66.tinypic.com/6t3eqe.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 26, 2018, 04:55:41 PM
 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 28, 2018, 03:46:39 PM
You don't even have to ask. You know I usually just force it on you  :D   btw, how's our little sakura tree?

Omg! I forgot to update you about that. I took it home and put it on the kitchen table, and my dad didn't see it and knocked it over. It looked so sad. It survived for about a week before I threw it away.

 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 05, 2018, 02:38:37 PM
Pentax k1000 film camera

(http://i68.tinypic.com/1z17fhh.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 11, 2018, 05:47:07 PM
Woke up this morning at 4 AM, and even though I was tired, I couldn't fall back asleep. The house was dark and silent. It felt very peaceful, like nothing else existed in that moment except for me. My eyes were heavy but some part of me resisted sleep. Alright then, I said to myself, I guess I'll stay awake for a little bit.

There were things I wanted to worry about, important things that needed attention, but in that hazy part of early morning, I couldn't find the strength or will to care about anything. This moment was all mine. No pressure, no stress, no demands from people. Just silence, and a bit of pre-dawn light that was starting to trickle through the window curtains. I'm okay, I can tell myself. The stars are still up there. The earth is still down here. And I'm still in between. It's okay.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 13, 2018, 04:11:53 PM
 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 17, 2018, 12:34:27 AM
Pentax K1000 film camera




(http://i67.tinypic.com/30u71pg.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 26, 2018, 12:39:07 AM
That's a bummer but I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. I'm sure we can find more sakuras...


You'll see real ones in a couple years, I imagine.  O0
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 30, 2018, 11:11:54 PM
sometimes it feels like you're living in a dream... sometimes it's a good dream and sometimes it's a bad dream. when you're around people the dreamlike quality fades away and reality pierces through with a sharp touch. but when you're alone, you fade away into these dreams. you grasp at anything that feels real, anything at all that will remind you that, yes, you are alive, this is real, this is not a dream. yet still it persists... I am sitting here at my computer, listening to music just as I have done for many nights. it seems like all of this happened a long, long time ago and none of it matters anymore. I think about someone who once was very special to me. there is an echo of heartache inside, but it is far away, resonating in a vessel that belongs to no one anymore. I am contained within myself now. I can still reach through this dream. Still grasp something real.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 13, 2018, 07:30:38 PM
I explained to her in my broken Hmong about our impermanent nature leading all things towards death.

I'm curious as to how you explained that kind of impermanence in Hmong. I don't think my vocab goes that deep at all.

Well, you know, I think your mom knows your heart and she knows that this is something you want but at the end of the day she's still a mother who wants her children to stay close to her. Just call and Skype and write her as much as you can.

So... We had the party for my parents last weekend. It went really well. I received a lot of compliments so I think people had a good time. It was really humbling to see the turnout; it showed me how much love and respect people have for my parents. I almost cried during my speech, which I did all in Hmong without messing up (phew) and everyone just looked lovely. I will put up some photos when I get home. My favorite part was the candy buffet so I might show a few extra pics of that too.  :D
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 14, 2018, 12:19:24 AM

So here is the general layout of the room. We wanted to keep things simple but elegant.


 


This centerpiece was my nyab's idea since she was in charge of decorations. She bought the wooden dowels and assembled the lanterns herself. We decided on carnations since we were making the centerpieces a day ahead. They tend to last longer and require minimal care.


 


About a month before the party, it occurred to me that we would have kids in attendance. I mean, I already knew that but it REALLY occurred to me that there would be kids and they would be bored out of their minds since this was a speech-heavy event. So I made some activity kits for the kids. They were filled with coloring books, crayons, paper bag puppet materials, stickers, candy, and games.


 


And then I thought, well, might as well have a candy buffet to give them some fun. I had a lot of fun shopping for this part.  :D


 


One of the cakes we ordered. This one was poppyseed with lemon filling.. yum. So, funny story about this cake. I decided to cut long but thin rectangular shapes to serve. Uhhh I guess I wasn't smart enough to figure out that you should only cut a small portion before cutting more. Instead, I cut it right through the middle, then another long cut after that, and what happened was that half of the cake fell over. LOL. And right when that happened, I heard a *click* and saw my cousin taking a picture. I was like, "Noooooo don't take a picture of my failure!!"  ;D  So there's a picture of me cutting a cake that fell over.


 


An auntie volunteered to do some fruit carvings for us. I'm really glad because it made the table setting so much prettier. I ain't got those skillz.


 


And thank goodness for everyone who volunteered to make snacks. Everything tasted great!


 


The fruit table. So, I kinda overestimated on the fruits. I really, really thought people were gonna pile up on fruits but instead they piled up on the carby snacks! I mean, there were so many great fruits, you know? We ended up with tons of leftovers. At the end of the night, we ended up bagging fruits and giving them to random guests as they left. In fact I saw an old friend and as we were talking, I grabbed a bag and gave it to him and he said, "God, you are so ducking Hmong." LOL! Hey, I just wanted to get rid of the fruit, alright.


 


So, all in all, a good night.
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 14, 2018, 07:47:52 PM
Everything was soooo colorful!! You know I would've taken aalllllllll the fruit home--with or without your permission lol


I would've sent you some if it were possible. I'm completely sick of dragonfruit now.  :icon_puke_r:
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 14, 2018, 08:37:28 PM
Needed to wrap gifts for some relatives and didn't have wrapping paper on hand, but I did have brown paper bags and a black sharpie...




(http://i66.tinypic.com/vhqgw5.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 15, 2018, 11:29:46 AM
That reminds me --my last day of work they threw me a party (some got teary eyed while I gave a stupid speech lol) and a coworker brought in a dragonfruit. It was rather dull and sad looking but I didn't have the heart to tell him that because he looked so proud thinking he's finally outwit me in our "stump highway's strange fruit competition" hmmm... #whitepeople it was also too purple and looked rotten and sour tasting.

LOL now I really wish I could've sent you some! He probably googled the strangest Asian fruit that could be found locally and thought this was it. #sad

My dream is to try the yellow dragonfruit which I hear is sweet, however it's hard to find where I live.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 16, 2018, 11:59:19 AM
(http://i66.tinypic.com/if37ns.jpg)


Ask: will this whirlwind
connect to that one,
            making them cousins to the knife?

Will lake mist etched
on flakes of flood-birthed moonlight
hang its beard on a tow truck
hoisting up a buck, 
            butterflies leaking from its nostrils,
            dark clouds draining off its cedar coat?

 —Sherwin Bitsui
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 17, 2018, 10:41:41 PM
(http://i67.tinypic.com/2502vrk.jpg)




Darkness brings dreams, dreams bring you.
Pinpricks of light beneath my closed eyelids--
a fluttering of nerves,
a rush through my veins,
a quiet exhalation.





Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 21, 2018, 08:51:35 PM
I can't believe you're really gone. I can't believe that I will never see you again. Can't believe that the world has taken another beautiful soul, one who really deserved life when there are so many others who don't. Is it a joke? I keep thinking it is, that someone will say that you're just fine, and the sadness in my heart will evaporate like the morning mist on a sunny day. Maybe it's hard to believe because all I've been hearing are words. Words spoken and words written, but just words. I haven't seen anything yet. There's no evidence to prove that you're really gone, none that I've yet to see.


My heart aches when I think about what you must have gone through. Details are sparse. All we know is that you went somewhere and your spirit never came back, only your body. Is that enough proof yet? No, it's not but if that's so then why do I weep?


Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for visiting me at work because you knew it was hard for me to get away. Thank you for the dollar bill that you folded into a heart for me. Thank you for thinking of me, for being a good friend even when I wasn't one in return. Thank you for laughing with me, making me feel like a special friend, thank you for every good thing you did for me. I think the shock has passed. Now there is just this... this grief that I don't know how to process. Words fail me. I miss you, my dear friend. I hope your soul finds its way to your sister, and to God, and I hope you find yourself in a place of love and beauty where there are no dark spaces, no sadness, no loneliness. 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 28, 2018, 03:45:16 PM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/mbkcxw.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on October 14, 2018, 02:51:07 PM
I've been dreaming about you.

In the dreams I'm always searching for you but never find you. Instead I find what you've left behind. Maybe your voice or something you've touched. Nothing that tells me where you are, only hints and clues that I keep uncovering as I fly from space to space.

The cosmic part of me wants to believe that you're in my dreams because you miss me too. That maybe you're also looking for me.

The realistic side of me says, it's just a dream.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on October 16, 2018, 04:48:47 PM
for a while i lost interest in my camera. my eyes were tired of looking through a lens, tired of framing the world to suit my own purposes. i couldn't find anything worth the film, not even the people i love the most. because let's face it, sometimes you need a break from everyone and everything. there was also the slowly creeping realization that i keep taking pictures of the same things over and over again, like i expect to find something different every time. am i taking pictures of the same things because they're beautiful, or is it because i can't make myself move on? are these photos a reflection of the stagnation in my life? and more to the point, why do i keep analyzing stupid things about myself and my life? isn't it enough that i have to live with myself already? why can't i see the world with clear eyes// why am i moving backwards when i know that i need to move forward// is this beating drum inside me going to burst and flood the world with all the malevolence it deserves?


i am calm. the world will survive, regardless of what i do or don't do. the earth will soak up the flood and keep breathing.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on October 27, 2018, 06:45:01 PM
In my dream my phone rang and when I picked up I heard your voice. In the fuzzy depths of the dream your voice was exactly as I remembered it: deep and rich. It made me feel safe. It made me feel like I was home. You asked if I received the gift you sent me. I said yes. There was a short silence, filled with things I wanted to say but couldn't. I remember thinking, I wish this would last forever.

When I woke up, I couldn't remember the sound of your voice anymore. I couldn't remember any detail that used to fill me with such warmth and happiness. There was just the cold autumn sun burning mercilessly on the horizon. There was stillness and breath. Cold sheets. A sense of endlessness.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on October 30, 2018, 05:09:54 PM
It's okay to take a break. I always come back.






(http://i67.tinypic.com/2nlzacp.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on January 23, 2019, 09:47:29 PM
It's cold outside, the snow a thick layer muffling the city sounds and absorbing the cold rays of the sun. An icy breeze finds its way into the emptiness inside me, curling around like a serpent seeking a heat source. I barely feel it settle. I had asked for solitude and silence. It was given without struggle. I had asked for an end to the turmoil in my heart and soul--now I am empty.

I can see how wrong I was to wish for such things. Emptiness only makes it easier for other terrible things to claim me. Things like doubt and loneliness. Confusion and sadness. I am beset by the strange and lonely feeling of being unable to express my feelings in words. If I can't even communicate how scared I am, how alone I feel, how can I ever get through this? I can't do this alone. Oh, that awful word--alone. I am alone though. It is starting to occur to me that my failure to move forward is because I keep thinking I have to go through it alone--practicing for a grim future. Hope is just a fantasy and a luxury that I can ill afford.

But I can't. Can't do it alone.  My heart has always known that even if my mind ran away from the truth. And I am so good at pretending not to see.

So I practice my words again like a child learning how to read and write.

I am alone and scared. I feel the path of an empty future stretching in front of me, and it fills me with equal parts fear and devastation. I fear a life void of all meaning. Material things and adventures and experiences only enhance the pointlessness of life. Part of me knows that they should enhance the vivacity of our lives and of the world, but I can't stop the void from eating everything on its path towards me. I no longer seek a home in others; I only seek one in myself. However this home of mine is plagued with silence and self-doubt, with a shaky fence and stairs that creak and a window that looks out on a world that's filled with people and love and sunshine that I can't seem to reach. Is the lock on the door on my side or the outside? Can I step outside and have the courage to once again invite people in?

Part of me knows that the more honest I am with myself, the braver my heart will be. I am alone, and it scares me. I am scared that I want to be alone, that it will turn me into someone who no longer desires friendship and love. I am not an independent creature for my soul longs to connect with another. The solitude only represses the symptoms--it doesn't cure the condition. Yet I keep vacillating between solitude and society, unable to choose.

Life is rapidly going by. I feel its loss every year, like a cold nip of winter that settles beneath my chest and refuses to leave. It's the long lost love song that I keep hidden in the depths of my heart. It's every goodbye I ever uttered. It's the blurry uncertainty that I see when I lift my head, and the creep of the voice telling me that it's too late even though I know that it's not. It's not too late. It's not too late.

Life is love and warm breeze and green leaf. It is also snow-covered lilacs and bare pine. It is a home built in my mind for anyone who once loved me and who loves me still--for those I love as well. It is more than fear and loneliness, more than hungry voids of darkness, more than anything that takes and never gives. I am alone, yes, that terrible, angst-filled word. But I will not falter. I will still get up. My heart perseveres. My soul endures.

In the midst of it all, I am not lost.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: DaCurse on January 24, 2019, 09:03:28 PM
you are stronger than you think girl...and you are never alone....I am there and here for all those who cares...haha you can reach out to me any damn time...I am your friend from the other side of the screen...haha 8)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on February 03, 2019, 02:28:56 PM
Today I got a harsh reminder why I shouldn't rely on anyone, whether family or friend. Thanks again for reminding why I'm better off alone. Just when I thought it was okay, too. I'm relieved, really, to have this happen now. I'm not even disappointed. Just glad. Glad for my own fucking self. Glad I'm able to protect myself even if it means pulling away from the world. It won't get anything more from me. It doesn't fucking deserve anything else.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on February 05, 2019, 11:17:13 PM
I lie on my childhood bed and stare up at the ceiling, filled with old posters and glow in the dark stars. I remember how I used to lie here staring at those stars, dreaming of different lands, different people, and different adventures. How naive I was back then. How different I am now, so far away from the girl I used to be. She was so hopeful, so vulnerable, so full of light. I am not her anymore. I can't seem to find a proper outlet for all this rage and hurt I feel. It devours me a little bit each day, and I honestly don't know what to do. Lying here, surrounded by boxes filled with all my old things, books and journals and CDs, I feel part of me drifting away like a rudderless, anchorless boat that's been cast out to sea. I will never be that girl again. I will never feel that same hope and anticipation for a future that I can now see slipping away from me. The walls of this room are bare now, and soon I'll also take down the stars from the ceiling. I'm saving them for last. Maybe part of me wants to lie on this bed one last time, staring up at those stars that used to help take me to other boundless, beautiful adventures. Maybe I want to reach out to that girl I used to be and give her a proper goodbye, thank her for having hope even though it didn't stay to the present. And then, finally, for the last time, close my eyes to the sight of pretty, yellow stars shining steadily in the dark.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on February 25, 2019, 09:31:44 PM
Going through some old things, I came across a piece of paper with lyrics from a song that someone shared with me a long time ago. I sat on my bed and looked at the words on the page. Then all of a sudden I began singing the song. Our song, once upon a time. And while I was singing, I began remembering how it felt in that moment when I wrote those lyrics down. How my heart felt like it was filled with the light of a thousand suns. I remembered his voice and his laugh. I remembered my laugh too. And for a brief moment, I was again filled with a thousand rays of sun.

When the song ended, the feeling slowly ebbed away. But I felt surprisingly good. Like the memory of the sun had somehow lightened a corner within, and even though the past is done and everyone has moved on, I still carry the light of all those suns and no amount of darkness can ever cover that light again.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on March 07, 2019, 02:33:00 PM
 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on April 03, 2019, 12:37:31 PM
I had such a creepy dream last night. As usual it took place at my grandma's house. It started out with me in the upstairs bathroom, however I was confused as to how I got up there because I remember being downstairs. I left the bathroom and noticed the light was on in Aunt C's old room so I went in there to turn it off. When I came out, I noticed a light emanating from the open closet door, except I could see that it wasn't a closet anymore but a staircase leading upstairs. Even in my dream state, I knew better than to follow a mysterious light up into the attic so I was like, NOPE, and ran down the stairs.

However, when I tried going downstairs I ended up upstairs again. The stairs kept switching me around until I figured that if I kept going left even if it look like I was going up, I might be able to get down which is what happened. I finally got down to the end of the stairs and if you've ever been to this house you'll know that there are two doors down there. The usual door we use leads into the kitchen while the other door is blocked off by a couch on the other side.

I couldn't get the usual door to open no matter how hard I tried. At first I was calm but then I began to feel the edges of panic. There was a fear of something unknown upstairs that I didn't want to face. After a while of useless banging, it occurred to me that I should try the other door. So with all my might I twisted the handle and began pushing against it. And for some lucky reason it opened. I fell through the doorway with relief.

At this point, I woke up in reality. I was in that half awake, half asleep state where everything is slightly dreamy. And once again I began feeling "something" in the room with me. I was on my right side, my back turned towards the door. And I could feel it behind me, near the desk. I don't know how I could sense it but it always feels the same, like a dark, scary presence that takes up space it's not supposed to. It was almost like the nightmare I just had where I was running away from something unknown yet unerringly dark, except this was scarier because now I was awake.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on April 23, 2019, 08:29:06 PM
I've been sleeping with the lamp on and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Lol.

Continuing the topic of dreams, I was sad to hear about Notre Dame. What a truly historic site. Filled with centuries of memories and secrets and mortal longing. Walking inside you can just feel how old it is, like a heavy pressure sitting on your shoulders. I remember it being dark and forebearing, but also beautiful in its heavy ornate decor and the sense of history that pervaded the air.

I suppose it was natural to dream about him after hearing about Notre Dame. After all, it was there that I truly prayed for him for the first time. We were walking along when I noticed unlit candles and an alms box along with a French sign that indicated a two euro donation for a candle. I didn't even stop to think. Before I realized what I was doing, I had dropped in some coins and grabbed a red candle, lit it, and held it between my hands while watching the fragile flame sputtering in the warm air.

Usually I pray for my family. Mom and dad. Brothers. Uncles and aunts. Nieces and nephews. I pray for their protection. I pray for their safety. I pray that whatever hardship we go through, we go through together with strength and honor. But that day, I prayed for him. For his safety. His protection. I prayed that God would speak to him for me because he didn't want to speak to me anymore, didn't want me anymore. Maybe if he didn't want to hear me, he would hear the wind telling him this prayer. Maybe he would know the truth in my heart.

It was all wishful thinking, of course. Prayers are never heard by anyone other than you and whatever higher being you pray to. But it brought me comfort nonetheless. The candle flame stayed steady when I set it down. I watched it for a little while, praying and wishing and longing.

A few nights ago, I dreamed about him. These dreams don't happen often and they always follow a similar theme. In my dreams, I am always looking for him but he always eludes me. I never see his face, and only sometimes his back or his arm or shoulder. But I recognize him through a feeling I have. It's hard to explain. But it's a feeling like coming home.

This was the first dream I ever had where I wasn't chasing him, or following him only to lose him. For the first time ever, I was right next to him. I could feel the heat of him next to me seeping into my body. I could hear his breath. But I couldn't see his face. It was like either I couldn't turn around or I was too scared to turn. I was, however, very sleepy. The kind of sleepy that you are next to someone who makes you feel safe. In the dream I fell asleep but since it was dream logic, I was also awake so I heard him whisper something to me. Over and over again. A soft tortured whisper that almost broke my heart. Since I was sleeping I couldn't answer but in my head I answered him.

"I never stopped," I said.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on April 27, 2019, 11:46:28 AM
I had a strange, creepy dream.

In the dream I had an imaginary friend when I was young. She was a young girl and she wore a white mask that covered half her face. The mask was painted in the semblance of her face, which could be quite eerie to look at. I thought her imaginary because she was always around when I was young but when I grew up, she never came around anymore so I assumed I had made her up in my mind.

One day I was taking care of my nieces and nephews. We were on the second story of a hotel that had deep plush carpeting, velvet walls, and heavy decor. Strange things kept happening. I would see things being moved, or I myself would feel pressure around me like something was trying to move me. But my nieces and nephews noticed nothing. Then I met someone in the hotel who told me that there were spirits and hidden creatures all around us, and that they sensed my presence even though they couldn't see me. They could neither sense nor see the presence of my nieces and nephews and when I asked why, the stranger said it was because the children had been protected by a spell. Through the spell they were literally hidden from sight.

The stranger said that I once could see spirits and demons but had closed myself off from them. However I hadn't closed myself off completely which was why they could still feel my presence. If I wanted, he would teach me a spell that would make me able to see again. I think out of curiosity more than anything, I said yes.

When my eyes were open once again to the other world, I looked around and saw my old friend with the white mask. She was near the corner crouching down, and when she saw me look at her she came right up to me and started talking to me like only minutes had passed instead of years.

The dream then seemed to skip scenes like someone throwing pebbles on the surface of a lake. Clear one second then distorted and confusing the next.

I was wandering around the hotel looking for a great aunt of mine and came upon a long distance cousin who offered me his arm and took me back to my room.

I put my nephews to bed. They didn't notice the ghost in the room. But it saw me looking at it and it attacked me.

We were all outside my grandma's house. Spirits kept coming up to me.

I grew tired of being harrassed and attacked. Someone told me that  they only did that because they knew I could see them. I asked if there was a way to reverse the process. To blind myself to them and have them become blind to me. I was told yes. I thought about my friend with the mask. I was okay being around her now but she still scared me sometimes. I would be sad to never see her again. And I would also not be sad. So I chose to be blind again.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 16, 2019, 06:45:23 PM
Conversation with my dad:

Dad: What was that movie you went to see the other day? Game of Thrones?
Me: No, that was Avengers. Game of Thrones is a TV show.
D: I heard that people named their kids after the actress in Game of Thrones but now they regret it because she's a bad person.
(I had to think about what he's talking about...)
Me: Ohhhhh yeah. There's a character in the show called Daenerys who used to be weak and she was sold off in marriage like a slave but she got stronger and became a queen. Then she went around and freed other slaves and became powerful. But now she's too power hungry and she killed thousands of innocent people and she became the tyrant that she was trying to get rid of. So those people who named their kids after her probably regret it.
Dad: ...so it's not a movie?

Lol. It was such a random conversation.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 21, 2019, 09:54:58 PM
All this obsession with BTS. Eh, they're okay I guess. But they're no Super Junior. ❤


https://youtu.be/44HbD2oc-H8
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 25, 2019, 01:59:24 AM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/8wktjb.jpg)




call them softly and they will come
all of the dreams you've left undone


-a. marseglia
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 28, 2019, 10:05:57 AM
http://youtu.be/QUDi4cCUm2c (http://youtu.be/QUDi4cCUm2c)


Hearing a cover of a song that you love can be pretty amazing. It opens your eyes to another perspective, one that you might not have seen before. It reveals flaws that you hadn't noticed about the original as well as highlighting the good things that you also loved. As much as you loved the original, you discover that you're also capable of loving a new one. The same song and yet so different. New. Another unchartered territory for you to land your soul. To begin again.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 28, 2019, 11:11:58 AM

I read your words and I cried for you. You hide your pain so well. I'm sorry that I never saw the truth of what you've gone through. I'm sorry that I can't ease your pain.


My heart hurts for you, and maybe a little for myself too. I hate that we give ourselves to people who find it easy to leave at their own whim. I hate that we give them our real hearts, the ones we keep buried beneath layers of everything we are. And I hate that even after all this time, after so many years, they can still have an effect on us.


I wish I could say that this is just another learning experience but it feels disingenuous to distill all that's happened into such simple terms. So I will say this instead:


I'm proud of you and everything that you are. You are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. Whatever comes next, we will see it through.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 28, 2019, 11:43:00 PM
 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 29, 2019, 01:46:30 PM
Yesterday in an attempt to stave off the mind numbing pointlessness of life and all its dreary moments I decided to make low carb zucchini bread. Then I was like, well might as well make regular zucchini bread because Lord knows no one else but me and Mom are gonna eat the low carb version. Then I remembered that my niece wanted banana bread so I made a batch of that as well because why not, I got all the ingredients out anyway. I stayed up until 2 AM making all this bread. But even then I couldn't sleep. So I put my head on my pillow and stared at the phone until I must have drifted off into an uneasy sleep where I dreamed that my dad and two nephews turned into fish and I had to keep them alive by pouring water from a hose over them out in a gas station parking lot while fending off an overly aggressive lobster that kept attacking them. I woke up feeling quite startled, my mind blank and not even remembering what day it was. Today I feel a little better. The low carb bread was good. The others have been packed and will be delivered to their recipients later. Life still feels a little pointless (I don't think that feeling will ever dissipate) but right now at this very moment it's bearable. My dad said that he woke up to a house filled with the scent of banana bread and cinnamon and the way he said it filled me with warmth.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on May 29, 2019, 03:14:23 PM
Yesterday in an attempt to stave off the mind numbing pointlessness of life and all its dreary moments I decided to make low carb zucchini bread. Then I was like, well might as well make regular zucchini bread because Lord knows no one else but me and Mom are gonna eat the low carb version. Then I remembered that my niece wanted banana bread so I made a batch of that as well because why not, I got all the ingredients out anyway. I stayed up until 2 AM making all this bread. But even then I couldn't sleep. So I put my head on my pillow and stared at the phone until I must have drifted off into an uneasy sleep where I dreamed that my dad and two nephews turned into fish and I had to keep them alive by pouring water from a hose over them out in a gas station parking lot while fending off an overly aggressive lobster that kept attacking them. I woke up feeling quite startled, my mind blank and not even remembering what day it was. Today I feel a little better. The low carb bread was good. The others have been packed and will be delivered to their recipients later. Life still feels a little pointless (I don't think that feeling will ever dissipate) but right now at this very moment it's bearable. My dad said that he woke up to a house filled with the scent of banana bread and cinnamon and the way he said it filled me with warmth.

Asharia, can you adopt me to be your sister?  I'll eat the low carb zuchhini bread with you and your mom.  There is so much warmth and love in your family.   :love9:
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: VillainousHero on May 29, 2019, 03:32:52 PM
Yesterday in an attempt to stave off the mind numbing pointlessness of life and all its dreary moments I decided to make low carb zucchini bread. Then I was like, well might as well make regular zucchini bread because Lord knows no one else but me and Mom are gonna eat the low carb version. Then I remembered that my niece wanted banana bread so I made a batch of that as well because why not, I got all the ingredients out anyway. I stayed up until 2 AM making all this bread. But even then I couldn't sleep. So I put my head on my pillow and stared at the phone until I must have drifted off into an uneasy sleep where I dreamed that my dad and two nephews turned into fish and I had to keep them alive by pouring water from a hose over them out in a gas station parking lot while fending off an overly aggressive lobster that kept attacking them. I woke up feeling quite startled, my mind blank and not even remembering what day it was. Today I feel a little better. The low carb bread was good. The others have been packed and will be delivered to their recipients later. Life still feels a little pointless (I don't think that feeling will ever dissipate) but right now at this very moment it's bearable. My dad said that he woke up to a house filled with the scent of banana bread and cinnamon and the way he said it filled me with warmth.

Yummmmy!!!! Food.  My children always says to me, "Dad you make the best food Yummmyyyy!!!"

and I feel bad at times because I'm often too tired to cook for them.

Perhaps all your dream was just your subconscious telling you your family needs that yummy "water of life" food that you toiled so hard to prepare.  Not sure how the lobster fits into it, but maybe it's time to go cook some of them.  That'll show em who's eating who!  O0
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 29, 2019, 07:05:49 PM
Asharia, can you adopt me to be your sister?  I'll eat the low carb zuchhini bread with you and your mom.  There is so much warmth and love in your family.   :love9:

Of course! I don't have any sisters so that sounds nice.

Thank you for the compliment. <3
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on May 29, 2019, 07:08:04 PM
Yummmmy!!!! Food.  My children always says to me, "Dad you make the best food Yummmyyyy!!!"

and I feel bad at times because I'm often too tired to cook for them.

Perhaps all your dream was just your subconscious telling you your family needs that yummy "water of life" food that you toiled so hard to prepare.  Not sure how the lobster fits into it, but maybe it's time to go cook some of them.  That'll show em who's eating who!  O0

Lol lobster sounds good. Although to be honest I find the taste not as good as blue crab. Those take a bit more work but they're tastier. Maybe I need to schedule a crab/lobster boil for my family. Thanks for the suggestion.

What's your favorite dish that you prepare for your kids?
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: VillainousHero on May 29, 2019, 09:09:23 PM
Lol lobster sounds good. Although to be honest I find the taste not as good as blue crab. Those take a bit more work but they're tastier. Maybe I need to schedule a crab/lobster boil for my family. Thanks for the suggestion.

What's your favorite dish that you prepare for your kids?

So simple...kids love stir fry.  The tender beef slices and yummy with hoison sauce.
beef with broccoli
beef with green beans

Even frozen pizza with additional topping like a few spinach or onions or even broccoli.

And tacos, and spaghetti, and even ramen noodles pan fried with some carrots and peas. 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 04, 2019, 05:10:42 PM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/5fnqlw.jpg)




samsung galaxy s10
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 04, 2019, 06:36:04 PM
(http://i64.tinypic.com/2uf4z9x.jpg)


(http://i67.tinypic.com/2uj370l.jpg)


(http://i64.tinypic.com/i70xdx.jpg)


(http://i63.tinypic.com/28lb4ll.jpg)


samsung galaxy s10
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on June 04, 2019, 07:27:01 PM
Beautiful pics, Asharia!
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 05, 2019, 05:04:52 PM
Beautiful pics, Asharia!

Thanks, Lilly!
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 06, 2019, 05:36:51 PM
This is my favorite time of day when things seem slower, more relaxed. It's the denouement of the story that you've been writing all day. It's the time to reflect on where you are and what you've done. To remember or forgive or treasure or forget. It's the only time when I can draw in a deep breath and say, You've done what you can, you've loved who you loved, and tomorrow you can start again.


(http://i64.tinypic.com/302q8md.jpg)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: VillainousHero on June 06, 2019, 06:57:31 PM
I'm going outside just to look at the sunset now...
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 10, 2019, 01:11:46 AM

how do I know I'm doing better, feeling happier, feeling hopeful? it's when I pick up my camera. and I don't even care if it's just to take 30 pictures of lilacs and sun flares. the world feels right when I'm behind that lens. it's where I belong--neither part nor apart--but just there. like air, like rain, like flowers that bloom every spring.



(http://i63.tinypic.com/w8ujo1.jpg)


pentax k1000
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 12, 2019, 12:58:31 PM

(http://i65.tinypic.com/2w4e1xt.jpg)

Taken with a Samsung Galaxy S10 as seen through the lens of a Pentax K1000
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 14, 2019, 01:36:09 PM
I have this troubled feeling, the kind you get when you know you're about to disappoint someone you care about. I even dreamed about it. In my dream I kept asking her if she was okay with my decision but there was only silence from her end. I think it was my brain's way of telling me that I won't really know her reaction until it happens.

I think I'll sleep on it for a few more days before I make any real decision.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 18, 2019, 01:53:38 AM

http://youtu.be/xW1EgRRpOMw (http://youtu.be/xW1EgRRpOMw)







(http://i68.tinypic.com/ac6irb.jpg)


(http://i64.tinypic.com/2j5013b.jpg)


(http://i68.tinypic.com/2lo1vmg.jpg)


(http://i66.tinypic.com/35k22gy.jpg)


(http://i66.tinypic.com/289equg.jpg)


pentax k1000

Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: anonymouse on June 18, 2019, 02:31:53 AM
Do you ever just want to become ash and let the wind carry you wherever it goes? 

Sometimes I wonder what that would be like.  Just floating off.  effortlessly, seamlessly, and quietly.
Gone with the wind as they say.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 18, 2019, 03:06:54 AM
Do you ever just want to become ash and let the wind carry you wherever it goes? 

Sometimes I wonder what that would be like.  Just floating off.  effortlessly, seamlessly, and quietly.
Gone with the wind as they say.


Hmm I don't know, it sounds pretty lonely. Everyone needs some kind of anchor.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on June 18, 2019, 10:43:46 AM
Asharia, will you be coming to the MN July 4th?  If you come, let the Troubles and I know so we can get together with you.  O0
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 18, 2019, 11:51:05 PM
Asharia, will you be coming to the MN July 4th?  If you come, let the Troubles and I know so we can get together with you.  O0


No, I won't be able to make it because I have to work. Actually I haven't been to MN for July 4th since my college days. :)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 19, 2019, 01:42:44 AM
(http://i65.tinypic.com/o7oktk.jpg)



I've been composing this letter in my head for a couple years. Everyday, bits and pieces write themselves up in my head. I don't know if it's a letter for me or for you, or for future me or for past you. Maybe it's a letter to the both of us.

So what is the truth that I can only admit in my heart?

For the past few years, I closed myself off from everyone and everything so that I could grieve for what was lost. Part me of wanted you to grieve too but I also knew that you would move on. Life's too short, right. I understand. I also understood that maybe what was very real and true for me might not have been the same for you. For a time, I even thought you played me like a fool, that maybe you were just dipping your fingers for fun, nothing serious. That messed me up for a while too. But in the end, whether or not you were sincere, I had to face the truth that the entire situation was temporary. The pieces of ourselves that we shared with each other was temporary too. I tried to comfort myself by saying the words that I once said to you: Feelings are temporary, and one day we'll get over them.

Maybe what I really wanted was closure. Maybe I wanted to hear the truth from you, about the real reason why you ended it. But what could you have said that I didn't already know?

I waited a long time to hear from you. Every day I hoped would be the day. You would call me and say it was just a joke. You made a mistake, you were wrong. I waited a long time, I'm embarrassed to say, for so long that when I finally realized it truly was over, you had already moved on. Temporary feelings, etc. So I shut down. Wept. Wrote lots and lots of poetry. Wanted to call but I wasn't brave enough to face a different you, one who had already moved on. Instead I became bitter and monstrous. Nothing calmed my heart, nothing healed my pain. Nothing except time.

In all those years I barely wrote in my journal. I couldn't bear to see those blank pages reflect back the hideous monster that I knew lurked beneath my skin. And I felt like my voice had been taken away, my spirit crushed. Words used to bring me healing and reflection; now they were just a reminder of the shadow I had become.

And then one day, I picked up my journal and started writing. I poured everything out onto those pages. Every truth I hid from myself, every piece of pain I had repressed. Even hope, which I had not allowed myself to feel for a very long time. The whole process was beautiful and cathartic for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like myself again. This is who I am. Words--they are my balm. Me being honest with myself--that is what will heal me.

So now I can look at myself and admit the truth.

The truth is, I will always miss you. But not you in the now. I miss the old you who used to miss the old me. And that's the part of me that will always belong to you. Yes, my heart still aches sometimes when I think about you. But then again, it's also relieved. 

I once said that I missed you so much that I felt like part of me had died. And when we talked for those few short hours that cold winter, I felt like every dead flower in my soul came back to life. My heart was open and full and vulnerable. So it hurt just as much when you left a second time, again without a word of goodbye. But what did I have to reproach you for? There had been no promises made, nothing personal spoken. I was left with the bright light of resonance that I had longed for, now dimmed again by your absence.

But that light inside revealed another truth: I didn't like who I had become. A shadow of a girl, a ghost who longed for you.
 
So I let go of her, the shadow and ghost of the girl who ran beneath the night sky with you.

And I let go of you. With gentle hands, I put you into a deep part of my heart where the sun lives eternally and the woodlands run deep. There you shall stay when I close the door behind me. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for inspiring me, for giving me hope. I wish you a life filled with love, good health, and enough sandy beaches for you to walk with your loved ones.

As for me, I've faced the monster that I am inside and made my peace with her. For years I asked myself if I was more girl or monster inside. The answer is, it doesn't matter. I am that which I am. And I will face my future with a full heart, come what may.

Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: anonymouse on June 19, 2019, 01:49:28 AM

Hmm I don't know, it sounds pretty lonely. Everyone needs some kind of anchor.

hmmm.. that's a thought.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on June 19, 2019, 11:24:44 AM

No, I won't be able to make it because I have to work. Actually I haven't been to MN for July 4th since my college days. :)

OK.  Whenever you do come to MN then.   :)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: VillainousHero on June 19, 2019, 04:36:01 PM
Awe...I send my prayers to you too...with lots of human compassion.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 23, 2019, 11:52:32 PM
I'm singing in the church choir when we get to a specific part of mass where the response isn't in our hymnal but instead is memorized. Well I been singing this response for years but somehow somewhy I forget the words. So I start singing "holy" except I suddenly remember that the word is "glory" and not "holy" so midword I switch gears to "glory" but forget that I started singing "holy" already. So I end up singing "hory." Hory, which sounds like... whorey. And that is the story of how I sang the word whorey in a church well known for its old fashioned acoustics where you can hear the tiniest sound even at the back of the church.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: VillainousHero on June 24, 2019, 02:37:54 AM
I'm singing in the church choir when we get to a specific part of mass where the response isn't in our hymnal but instead is memorized. Well I been singing this response for years but somehow somewhy I forget the words. So I start singing "holy" except I suddenly remember that the word is "glory" and not "holy" so midword I switch gears to "glory" but forget that I started singing "holy" already. So I end up singing "hory." Hory, which sounds like... whorey. And that is the story of how I sang the word whorey in a church well known for its old fashioned acoustics where you can hear the tiniest sound even at the back of the church.

You just reminded me of those times when people tell me to sing louder, you have a strong voice.  Sure, but I don't know the words...you want me to say the wrong words louder than everyone else right?  Let alone I didn't know the notes to the song, nor the rhythm, nor just say I don't know the hymns period.  All you get from me were...ha, hu, ho, hay, heya, hoyo, hayu, .... LOL.

Don't even try to make me sway like I'm gospel singing...don't...You gonna see Forest Gump groove...
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 24, 2019, 08:40:10 PM
You just reminded me of those times when people tell me to sing louder, you have a strong voice.  Sure, but I don't know the words...you want me to say the wrong words louder than everyone else right?  Let alone I didn't know the notes to the song, nor the rhythm, nor just say I don't know the hymns period.  All you get from me were...ha, hu, ho, hay, heya, hoyo, hayu, .... LOL.

Don't even try to make me sway like I'm gospel singing...don't...You gonna see Forest Gump groove...

Haha sometimes it's just fun to sing as loud as you can even if you don't know the words.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 25, 2019, 01:42:02 PM
(http://i66.tinypic.com/or49iv.jpg)


(http://i67.tinypic.com/6s3v4o.jpg)


(http://i63.tinypic.com/537lso.jpg)




pentax k1000
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on June 25, 2019, 07:00:37 PM
I'm singing in the church choir when we get to a specific part of mass where the response isn't in our hymnal but instead is memorized. Well I been singing this response for years but somehow somewhy I forget the words. So I start singing "holy" except I suddenly remember that the word is "glory" and not "holy" so midword I switch gears to "glory" but forget that I started singing "holy" already. So I end up singing "hory." Hory, which sounds like... whorey. And that is the story of how I sang the word whorey in a church well known for its old fashioned acoustics where you can hear the tiniest sound even at the back of the church.

"Whorey."  Hahaha!   :2funny:  Hilarious but wowzers  :o at the same time, when you realize that the whole congregation could hear what you were singing!  I would have been mortified!  Hahaha!
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on June 26, 2019, 03:26:23 PM
"Whorey."  Hahaha!   :2funny:  Hilarious but wowzers  :o at the same time, when you realize that the whole congregation could hear what you were singing!  I would have been mortified!  Hahaha!

Yep, it was embarrassing. But I'm used to messing up in front of crowds now.  ;D Best way to deal is to keep going as if nothing happened.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on June 26, 2019, 05:02:07 PM
Yep, it was embarrassing. But I'm used to messing up in front of crowds now.  ;D Best way to deal is to keep going as if nothing happened.

 ;D  O0
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on July 01, 2019, 12:06:35 PM
(http://i66.tinypic.com/or49iv.jpg)

(http://i67.tinypic.com/6s3v4o.jpg)

(http://i63.tinypic.com/537lso.jpg)



pentax k1000

I LOVE these pictures.  Each one makes me feel a certain type of way.  Thank you for sharing, Asharia.   O0  :)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 01, 2019, 06:18:11 PM
I LOVE these pictures.  Each one makes me feel a certain type of way.  Thank you for sharing, Asharia.   O0 :)


Thanks for your kind words, Lilly.  :)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 11, 2019, 03:23:11 AM
I can't sleep.

Earlier tonight I got home from work, cooked dinner for my parents, then fell asleep right away. I was so tired. I thought to myself, Just a quick nap before I get up to do the dishes and go back to bed. I ended up waking up hours later at 2 AM in a daze. Cleaned up the kitchen and got back into bed only to find myself unable to fall asleep. The house is very quiet, a silence that I'm used to now and prefer most of the time. I guess in this silence I'm brave enough to confess the truth. There are so many that I hide from in the bright light of day. The truth is... I have too much to say and the night air hurts my heart to think about it all, and all I want is the oblivion of sleep.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 22, 2019, 11:07:32 PM
(http://i66.tinypic.com/2qtd30n.jpg)


samsung galaxy 10
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on July 23, 2019, 09:12:27 PM
Asharia, that sky is so beautiful!  OMG!!!
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 24, 2019, 01:55:47 AM
Asharia, that sky is so beautiful!  OMG!!!


It was the sunset after a day of tornadoes and storms. Can you believe that the world can still be filled with such beauty even after such awfulness?  :)
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: lilly on July 24, 2019, 10:48:46 PM

It was the sunset after a day of tornadoes and storms. Can you believe that the world can still be filled with such beauty even after such awfulness?  :)

Yeah, it's amazing how the sky looks sometimes after storms.  I think it was a little over a week ago when after a rain, there was the most beautiful rainbow in the sky.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: tRouBLe on July 26, 2019, 12:11:30 PM
Asharia, I dreamt about you a few days ago.  It was so odd.  We introduced ourselves by our PH names.  I can’t recollect where we were or why though.  Then I woke up.   :2funny:

 
 
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 26, 2019, 10:10:14 PM
Asharia, I dreamt about you a few days ago.  It was so odd.  We introduced ourselves by our PH names.  I can’t recollect where we were or why though.  Then I woke up.   :2funny:
 

LOL that's hilarious. What a random and odd dream!

I'm just imagining you introducing yourself "Hi. I'm Trouble." What a great introduction.  :D
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 27, 2019, 08:07:03 PM
[insert self into convo]

lol. that's so funny. i also had a dream. i was just thinking about it while chillin on the
concrete steps of this church watchin people walk by with their overpriced starbucks drinks in hand,
and their fancy hats and sunglasses, and their designer bags. I was just dreaming, until someone rudely
woke me up, about rainstorms in Africa. You ever been?


No, have you?
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on July 29, 2019, 05:14:03 PM
I caved in and bought another Minolta.

I know, I know, why did I buy another one when I already have one?? Well because the first one stopped working which I guess is a normal thing that happens to 40-50 year old cameras, which I didn't discover until afterwards while I was researching how to fix it. The general opinion was to send it to an expert or, more popularly, just throw it in the trash where all old tech should go. But I was sentimental and I had really loved the Minolta so I put it in my closet with the thought that maybe someday I would get it fixed. That day never came but then I saw another one being sold online and I figured, it's been years already and I'll probably never find someone to fix it so let's just get another one and hope for the best. So here I am, hoping for the best. I love my Pentax also but the Minolta worked so well in low light and bad shooting conditions. It was made for dummies like me who love photography but want something a bit more idiot proof.

For a while I was trying to convince myself that I'm worth buying a Leica for but while I was debating my inherent worth, someone bought it already. I guess that's what I get...

But for now I'm pretty excited about using the Minolta again.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 13, 2019, 02:58:29 PM
Movie/TV reviews (just because):

The Sinner
: I skipped Season 1 because I read the spoiler for it but I saw Season 2 and it was pretty amazing. I'm impressed by Bill Pullman's performance. Usually he plays the humble hero and the underdog, but his role in this series is a bit darker and it's nice to see him playing something different (albeit still in the good guy role). The plot was unraveled at a steady pace, with lots of red herrings and mystery, some of which were answered by the end. And it's okay that not all loose ends were tied up neatly because you can imply what happened just from little clues and bits of dialogue. It  sort of reminded me a little bit of "Sharp Objects" with Amy Adams minus the horrifying edge of terror and cynicism that usually colors Gillian Flynn's works. I think I might watch Season 1 since I heard it was even better than Season 2. Carrie Coon, who plays Vera Walker, had a really familiar voice and I found myself reacting in a disgusted way every time she spoke in a deep voice which was confusing. So I looked her up and discovered that she's the voice actor for Proxima Midnight from Avengers.  :o  That explains why I hated her voice and character but later on when I learned more about her character I grew to respect her. Also, she got her MFA from my alma mater right around the time I was still there.

Homecoming: Wow. I had no idea Julia Roberts had this level of acting in her repertoire. The way they shot the series was different: 30 minute episodes with long panning shots of usually mundane things happening. I really grew to care about the characters, including Julia's former boss who is a real piece of work. The mystery of what happened to Walter is finally revealed, thank goodness. At first I thought there was a massive government conspiracy but turns out--well I guess there was a little bit but not the extent I was imagining. Every time I predicted something, I would be proved wrong. It was a bit refreshing to see something of this quality. After I finished I researched and found that it was based on a podcast which makes it even more interesting. I think this series will open the door for new types of work, and I'm excited to see what comes next.
Title: Re: bramble & ash
Post by: Asharia on August 14, 2019, 08:28:54 PM
My brother sent me a photo of my niece. Her hair is starting to fall out but her smile is still the same. My heart hurts.