Love-bombing, future faking, & idealization might not be manipulation...

[Believe_N_Me]

A person who does these things might not be intentionally manipulating another in order to form a trauma bond.

Anyways, I learned that love-bombing, future faking, and idealization isn't always about manipulation. The person who does these things is most likely trying to find validation in themselves. People who do these things early in the connection most likely had very critical caregiver (parents) or partner. Nothing they did was ever good enough. They were heavily criticized and belittled just for being themselves. They were told that nobody else would accept them or put up with them. At some point, they may have started to believe this about themselves and told them self that that is the reason nothing every works out for them. Therefore, they tend to have very little faith in relationships. They view relationships as a heavy burden and a lot of work.

Therefore, when they meet a new person, especially one who shows interest, they will go overboard with the lovebombing, future faking, and idealization of that person. Seeing the other person get excited and respond with interest, attraction, and have a positive reaction is very validating. It makes them feel like, "hey, I'm not a bad person like my parents told me. I can be lovable, unlike what my ex made me feel."

This type of person also tends to make sacrifices and grand gestures for a toxic partner, and not because they love or are even in love with the partner. It's because the partner has made them feel so unworthy about themselves that if they perform these acts of services, they can prove to themselves that they're a good person. The irony is that the less toxic a partner is, the less acts of service they perform and the less interest they show.

In other words, this type of person always tend to perform, invest, and commit to a person who will create an imbalanced or toxic relationship. They do it to prove to themselves that they're lovable, worthy, and not worthless. Therefore, inadvertently sabotaging connections with the people whom they should keep in their lives. 

One might conclude that they're a victim of abuse (either by parents, someone important in their life, or a partner).

[Believe_N_Me]

Victims of abuse do not understand a healthy and balanced relationship, and they struggle knowing how to show up for a secure partner.

And you will see victims of abuse go from one abusive relationship into another. Toxic relationship is familiar and they know what to expect. A healthy relationship is unknown, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, etc.

[Believe_N_Me]

The question is, "how do they become secure if they didn't come from a secure upbringing or experienced a very toxic and traumatizing relationship?"

Like anything else that involves overcoming bad habits and addictions, they have to really want to get cleaned. Otherwise, they will never do the work that is required to get cleaned. They have to ask them self if they want a healthy relationship that is based on unconditional love and mutual respect. They have to really want it in order to do the work to get there.

Most want it but haven't reached the point of being fed up with being fed up, and that is why they go from one abusive relationship to the next. They stick with familiar patterns and end up with the same type of partner. A secure partner and opportunity for a fulfilling relationship seems like too much work that they're not equipped to take on. They have a real fear that they won't meet the secure partner's expectations and will be rejected, which will only confirm the lies that they've been told by critical parents/partners.

Because they haven't healed, they're also very suspicious that the secure partner will be any different from their toxic exes. Therefore, inevitably sabotaging that connection before they are rejected.

[Believe_N_Me]

What should happen next if a victim of abuse wants to do the work?

First, they should acknowledge their trauma, which will help whenever they're feeling triggered. When they feel a type of way around people, they should evaluate if it's just their trauma showing up or if the reaction is based on reality, and not their misperception of reality.

For example, when a secure partner approaches them about having their needs unmet, a victim of abuse will perceive that as an attack, being intrusive, and asserting control. They don't have discernment about what is normal interaction in a relationship vs. toxic.