Hey L,
You're giving me too much credit, maybe because the way I phrased it. I don't think it's that I need to suffer to find my greatest path, but may I assigned it so to make the most use of the past. I bet you sometimes it's trying to find meaning from the hard times, and so as to not dwell in the past and allow it to eat you up. And you tell yourself that you are better off, because you're able to forgive the past, including yourself, and mostly you're able to learn from it. But there are moments when you do ask "what happened?" Because you're able to reflect on it with positive thoughts, you're able to smile and say, "something happened and I am as responsible as the other person and I take my share and learn what I can to be better next time." And if you can't say that, then you're still clinging on to the past, which will hurt only you.
The aware and certainty part is still a work in progress as I am trying to bring it to become a habit. Don't take it for strong assurance that I have reached a milestone of some sort, but I am aware that I need to constantly bring awareness to situations I encounter and actions that I take. I have noticed that awareness really calms my negative emotions and dissipates negative energies. The certainty thing might be an overstatement, I will explain. In the past, I have done things that worked personally and career-wise without being aware of why it worked, except for the fact of hard work and patience alone. For example, although I am still having a hard time incorporating the detachment principle, I really found an appreciation for it. In the past, when I traded successfully, I came in loved my job, waited patiently for the right opportunity, traded them when they came, and went home with no positions at all. I was not attached to outcome, losses or wins, but I find joy of being in the process. I notice towards the end, I started carrying positions home, mostly losers; because if they were winners I would have cashed out and gone home with a smile. I think it came about because my need to morph and grow as a trader, but however it was done on the fly without sound thoughts. And I become attached to the losing positions emotionally and they eat you up psychology as well as start hoping that the market would turn. I started hating my job so much that sometimes I would take these really long lunches or walks. Sometimes clinging to bad positions would work, which makes things worst, because you have just taught yourself that applying a flawed strategy can work if you hold on long enough. With that strategy, I feel it's almost like training yourself to smoke cigarettes and after a while it's okay because you need it to deal with all the stress, including that of being a filthy smoker. To use the cigarette analogy again, I feel as if I am now aware of seeing smoking for what it really is: a psychological trap which will only deteriorate you mentally and physically. And that makes me feel some sense of certainty, that I can hope to let go of some bad habits and reconstruct more sound principles. Thus being detached or unclinging to results made me a better trader in the past. When I became attached to results, then I cling to losers and I start a cycle that could spiral downward, including adopting unsound principles. I guess my what I am trying to say is that I think I am more aware of why things worked or failed in the past for me and trying to learn from them. If nothing, I am making an effort to practice awareness to strengthen good habits and get rid of useless ones.
However, I did get a better understanding of the purpose of life, at least my life. I don't know how much I will be able to apply, and I should make an effort to apply as much as I can. You know how I told you that one of the greatest purpose in ones life is to be a link in the ever flowing circle of life. How strong you are in that link will help determine how strong the next link will be. Therefore one of the greatest thing a person can do is be of service to others, but with detachment to results. Catering to the desire of the ego and the self will not lead to happiness. That is why I really admire your example of Yij C's approach to someone asking for money. Most people will easily shun it by thinking "if I give, I will re-inforce a bad habit or I will end up being scammed."
Okay, how much are you going to charge me for the therapy session?
Music time:
Do you like Joshua Kadison? Sometimes I can listen to Jessie all day. I like Postcards from LA too.