luvly....is she really?

[luvlylisa]

My mom finally came home yesterday after almost 4 months in assisted living. She definitely had her surgery, had her time in the boot, and had her PT/OT in recovering and relearning how to gain her balance and get stronger. She's "recovered" but she still needs her cane-if anything, she should have been w her walker but for whatever reason, she's not-or they didn't give her one when she came back home. 

I had to go back to the house after work n my HMong student org meeting to help my mom shower. I was disappointed n a lil heart broken when she told me that they didn't let her/them take a shower everyday. Maybe every three days was how often she'd get washed up. Otherwise, it was just a wipe down if anything.

Things are eh btwn us. I help where I can and bite my tongue when necessary. I try my best to keep my peace and not every thing is worth fighting for-I can't go to battle every time. It's exhausting and even more so when she doesn't hear or want to listen let alone consider anything I have to say anyway. I do what I need to and when complete, I get back to what I was working on. We were at least cordial yesterday and at one point, had a "nice" conversation.

I was rather surprised that my mom took the news of my dads' retirement party well. Step mom is throwing it but they have to come here since he's been estranged from the clan (his choosing). Just like his double bypass surgery he had last Oct (my sister and I were the only ones that flew out to see him), no one really cared to visit nor call him. This event step-mom is having is to celebrate the retirement he took a couple yrs ago and his successful recovery from his surgery in Oct to uplift his spirits. She can't do it alone, so she needs our help to coordinate everything. We all thought my mom would be upset about our involvement but she was rather understanding-we are his kids and he deserves it, especially since we did her party for her.

I was also surprised bc her only concern she asked (me) about was if my sister and her family were going to come. I confirmed that they were..."yawm yij nkawv ob leeg lod?" Yes, mom. Both or all three of them (her son too). She didn't ask about anything else. I guess that's a good thing.

Details with the retirement party are not definite yet other than location and date. I went ahead and made the invite already-just wanting for the go ahead to print it. I have taken it upon myself to look at decorations and am willing to cover that. Of course, will have input but if I can take care of that so others don't have to worry about it, that's fine. I'm OK with it. Step mom wants speeches. I'm a good rambler and I can wing things but I don't enjoy giving speeches. I also will end up maybe crying through the whole thing....maybe a video with a message instead. We'll see.

I lost a tooth. A fricken front tooth. Have to wait another week before I can be seen.

It's been five months now living on my own. I still need a dinning table if anything. Could maybe use a coffee table btu honestly, no one comes over to bother so eh. I most likely will stay here for another year. After that, I'll figure if I want to stay for another or go something a tad bit bigger. Maybe if my mom is better we could consider getting a place together. Maybe.

It's been chaotic lately. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to go to work and it's only five blocks away. I'd rather remote but that's real talk.

On another note, a month ago my friend from Korea messaged me. He asked me what I was doing and when am I going to go to Korea to visit him. It was nice to hear from him and hear he wanted to get together-it'd been so long since we saw each other but with how things have been going-I've not wanted to travel or go anywhere. Before it was if I had time, I didn't have the funds or vice versa. Now, it's just not safe. He then said it might be best that he come here. That was before all the recent chaos. I would never want him or anyone to come risking themselves. If only my Korean was better, his was confident in his English, or we maintained our Chinese better so we could communicate better and at least vid chat. Still a goal of mine, improve my Korean.

[luvlylisa]

It's a Sat morning; I didn't sleep in as I had hoped but had breakfast and am doom scrolling on TT. Watching random vids, some tugging on my feels n others having me wrapped up in the drama. Either way, distracting me from all things around me.

It's a new year and I'm not one to set resolutions. I am someone who feels, if you truly want it-you do it. Goals are great but realistically, if it is something you want-it shouldn't be a "thing" for the yr. With that said, last yr I made some life choices in activating a new me. Def still in transition but now that I am on my own n have my own space, I am trying to do my best in living for me. Several things still tugging me to retract or go back but I need to move forward, for me.

I had two dr appts this last two weeks and am finally focusing on my health. No lie, I've been avoiding the dr simply bc I don't want to hear the reality. I've been fat most my life and I know that I am most likely diabetic since it runs in my family. 2/3 of the family have it and my health tells me if I wasn't before-I am now. My eyes have been really bad in the last yr and my feet are always cold. Knicks and scratches turn into scars. It's scary but silly bc I let this happen to myself-didn't take care of myself. I also know if my mom finds out she will give me a guilt trip. I don't want her to feel pity on me-she is the first to be diagnosed so I also don't want her to possibly feel responsible. There's been a lot going on w the fam-for several yrs now. I feel if it's not my parents then it's something else. Glad I moved but I should have done it sooner. I feel I have been good or doing the best with all the stressors in my life but my temperament def is there. I have had two blood pressure readings and they have been high. In my head, I was thinking if I moved out and have a reset that I'd be OK since some stressors would be gone. Nope, I'm no dr; what was I thinking and who was I fooling.

I made the decision to schedule an overdue physical for yesterday. No surprise, I've lost about 20 lbs in the last 4 yrs but I've been on teh scale so that's no news for me. I've not been exercising, it's more than likely stress related but I have been doing better at watching what I eat and since I started a new job (less toxic) I've been able to maintain a regular eating schedule as well. It was confirmed that my blood pressure was higher than normal and I should be placed on meds. They wanted to double check my blood work (I fasted even though I  didn't schedule the bloodwork order). We scheduled other exams but I'll know for sure on Monday when labs are back about my blood sugars and be referred to a specialist and we'll see what meds they want to put me on.

For the last few days before the physical, I've been tossing and turning bc my mind couldn't not turn off and all these thoughts keep popping up.

I'll be 45 this summer and honest truth, death doesn't scare me. It's part of life. When you go, you go. That's how I see it. What I am having fears or feels about is possibly missing important milestones in my niece and nephews lives. I want to be around to see them have their first relationship, graduate high school and go to college, possibly still here when they get married. My oldest nephew is 10 yrs old so at least 8 more yrs before he graduates high school.

I have been doing better with new boundaries but this has made me rethink and realize I need to reset boundaries in order to not only help me with my mental health but my physical health as well. I've spent a lot of time worrying, catering in my own way for others, servicing others, n neglecting myself. I can't and won't do it anymore. I know some ppl will not understand and others may resent me for it but if they want me around longer-this has to happen.

Plz, luv urself!