The hardest part of being an animal lover and an owner is parting from your most beloved companion.
I know the feeling, I have been through it and it hurt, no matter how long time surpass the pain never goes away. It will be a year in July that I said my last good bye to my beloved Lab-Retriever, Calvin.
Calvin came to us broken, lost, unwanted, insecure and empty. He never really had a permanent house, moved from home to another home. Most likely was because he was a run-away-dog. Every chance he got to go out, he would storm out and not come back. Most of the owners surrender him to a no kill shelter. We picked Calvin, read his story and just feel in love with him. The first time I saw Calvin, he was so thin, thin to the bones. I told him, "I am not giving up on you no matter how hard our journey will be".
It was rough for the first year, he would run away and I would have to chase after him. It was almost as if he was looking for someone, waiting for someone to return. This happen so often that he have to wear a harness 24/7. Although he was a run away dog, he was a very loyal and gentle dog. He loved cats and made friends with everyone he met. For 3 years that I've had him, I have only heard him bark twice. Calvin was my shadow, my right hand. Every where I went he would follow, no matter where we were at.
Not only was Calvin a run away dog, he had a lot of anxiety issue. There were histories of nights where he would wake up panting in the middle of the night trying to crawl out of the bedroom window, trying to escape. Although it was unknown, I truly believe that my Calvin was a very special dog. I believe he had the ability to scent when someone was passing away. I say this because Calvin and I worked with many patient that were at the end of their stage life. When a time like this happen, Calvin refuse to leave their side, not until that person pass/no longer with us. I've discover that it happen too many time, and as I continue to evaluate I also learned that his anxiety was lesser and lesser to the point where he stopped panting and scratching. I think he learned to cope with the fear through his experience, something he was never really able to overcome.
In the middle of June, I discover a hard lump on his right rear end. I was devastated when the vet broke down the news to me. Although they weren't very sure how big the lump can get and how well he can manage the pain since he was already an older dog at his very few last year. Calvin was diagnose with a tumor and things grew rapidly. I can still remember the day I said good bye to him. It was the most heart breaking day ever, I cried all day, all night, all week, for months. My world turned upside down just knowing the fact that my days revolved around him and when tomorrow comes he wasn't going to be around anymore. There are a tremendous of guilt I have, the way his eyes looked on that very day that we put him to sleep, the way he refuse to lay down and just surrender. I wish I could've done more for him unfortunate my time with Cal was very short. A year before Calvin was diagnose with Cancer he was finally on a no-leash-no-harness meaning he didn't run away anymore. He stayed by my side refuse to leave, refuse to leave my sight. I was glad to see him run but I was happy that he trusted me.
The choice I made for Cal was one of the hardest decision I've ever made. The pain, the guilt, the tears it never disappear. But instead of focusing on the sad and the misery, I pat my back for the accomplishment I made with and for Calvin before he passed. I was able to trust him and have him trust me. Calvin finally break free from his anxiety and from his wandering ways. He gained a tremendous amount of good weight since the first time I saw him. He had a home, a permanent home that would not give up on him. He had love, a consistency of love that comforts and surrounded him. People says, animals are animals they're nothing more that, but to me, animals are more than companion. They give us something that people can't give and that's the unconditional love that others can never understand. To me, Calvin was and will always be my buddy, the only buddy that listen and comfort me when no one can understand me. I loved him! My forever buddy!