Be careful of the person who does you dirty, then continues to...

[Believe_N_Me]

...be civil with you.

We've all heard Hmong Youtube stories about an abusive partner, but rarely do they talk about the mental anguish and psychological trauma from a partner who does you dirty, yet carries on like a nice guy/gal.

I had a friend who was married to a serial cheater. It was really hard for my friend to leave because the cheating spouse was actually a great parent, got along very well with the family, and was very dutiful at fulfilling marital obligations. Aside from the cheating, they got along very well most of the time and the spouse had an agreeable temper. So it didn't make sense why the spouse was always cheating unless they just weren't happy on the inside. But this unhappiness was not because of my friend. It was because this person suffered from their own personal traumas of not feeling good enough. They needed external validation.

My friend suffered a lot of psychological trauma because on one hand, they were livid about the cheating. But on the other hand, they were attached to the good parts about their spouse's character. My friend even felt suicidal at times. I recommended that my friend seek professional help.

   

[Believe_N_Me]

I forgot to add that what made it harder was how the elders kept insisting that my friend be patient. My friend wouldn't find someone with the same temperament and "nquag". Plus, a new person might conflict with the children. My friend insisted on remaining single forever but everybody said that was preposterous since they were still young at that time. Only late 20s.

[Believe_N_Me]

Not too long ago I re-connected with my friend. They are still married for the sake of the children. I asked why the friend stayed in the marriage and they said because they weren't comfortable with anybody else.

It made me realize that a lot of long-lasting marriages are not held together by happiness where both people are being the best versions of themselves. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Many of these relationships only continue to exist because both people feel comfortable being the worst versions of themselves to each other. They're not ashamed of being a miserable human being in front of one another - reminds me of gangsters. Ride or die partners where I know every inconceivable thing about you and vice versa. We stay because we don't want our secrets to get out. lol

I do get that you want someone who will accept everything about you, but is this really that?

Do you really want to be in a relationship where the both of you have crossed every line with each other? I suppose if it's a marriage with kids involved but what about just boyfriend/girlfriend? That would be very toxic - even worse than a bad marriage.

Many people stay because they know that they would have to improve themselves in order for the new person to accept them. It is easier to stay miserable together because nobody has to change. lol

Also, I think when you've become that miserable, you don't believe someone else will even be attracted to you. You do really have to change your attitude to even attract someone else.

[Believe_N_Me]

I forget which study it was but they did show that people whose been through a lot together do develop a very strong attachment to each other.

Let's hope all those bad times were within the confines of a marriage rather than just a boyfriend/girlfriend situationship. Married people have a way of finding each other again because they have a family to save. They can find happiness and joy again whenever a grandchild is born, a wedding takes place, or sadly, a funeral because they are family. Marriage means you are family and extended relatives are also family. Unless of course one of the partner is a narcissist. Who can ever find happiness there? But you at least have the family.

[JonniJacko]

I have a cousin probably in his late 50's now. He and his wife still act like young b-f/g-f. During family/clan gatherings, it's common to see them in a dark corner and talk like b-f/g-f...You don't know or hear what they talk about, but it's probably "puppy love" kind of talking. haha
Their children gotten use to it, along with the admiration and compliments from people about their parent's love for each other.

On the other hand, sometimes you just kind of know how much in love a couple is or not..Or if it's just lust..The tells are kind of just there..Some couples though, appear happy, but behind close doors...it could be chaotic..haha

But back to the subject, yeah- sometimes it's the overly friendly, kind, caring person to watch out for. However, there are very rare instances where some people really are that genuinely friendly, kind and caring- too good to be true, because they are so rare...this is where you really gotta develop a keen sense of discerning Real Gold from Fool's gold. haha I heard that if you burn gold, it only shines brighter, where fake gold, turns dull or darken...ahaha

[Believe_N_Me]

People stick with who is there in the end, even if it's not the person they chose. Personally, it's better when you are married to that person. Even better when the two of you have built something together like a family, for example. Your kids will be there even if you two don't want to be there for each other.

I know of too many incidents where it's just a boy/girlfriend. They might be there but they won't perform all the things that a spouse will. A man was living with a girlfriend down south. They were both divorced and basically fled to the south so that they didn't have to deal with their community and family. He's always been a bum and a black sheep. I doubt he ever really loved this divorcee. She was just convenient because she was barren, younger than he is, and can provide him companionship when he wants it. She also didn't have better options and was most likely desperate just to have someone. Aside from that, the dude is very soulless, independent, and selfish. He's been doing this with a lot of other divorces since he divorced.

Anyways, the divorcee died from cancer and he left her body for weeks. He said that it wasn't his responsibility since they weren't married. Her parents were livid and in the Hmong culture, they're not doing it because she isn't their clan anymore. It was a huge fiasco and in the end, he arranged for a quick American-style funeral down south so that her parents could pay their respect. He used her life insurance money, which he got none of. All of it went to her mom, whom she listed as the primary beneficiary.

[JonniJacko]

People stick with who is there in the end, even if it's not the person they chose. Personally, it's better when you are married to that person. Even better when the two of you have built something together like a family, for example. Your kids will be there even if you two don't want to be there for each other.

I know of too many incidents where it's just a boy/girlfriend. They might be there but they won't perform all the things that a spouse will. A man was living with a girlfriend down south. They were both divorced and basically fled to the south so that they didn't have to deal with their community and family. He's always been a bum and a black sheep. I doubt he ever really loved this divorcee. She was just convenient because she was barren, younger than he is, and can provide him companionship when he wants it. She also didn't have better options and was most likely desperate just to have someone. Aside from that, the dude is very soulless, independent, and selfish. He's been doing this with a lot of other divorces since he divorced.

Anyways, the divorcee died from cancer and he left her body for weeks. He said that it wasn't his responsibility since they weren't married. Her parents were livid and in the Hmong culture, they're not doing it because she isn't their clan anymore. It was a huge fiasco and in the end, he arranged for a quick American-style funeral down south so that her parents could pay their respect. He used her life insurance money, which he got none of. All of it went to her mom, whom she listed as the primary beneficiary.

That's very sad. Some people never really got a chance to fully lived. Their life was either cut short or robbed of by evil people.

[Believe_N_Me]

A couple of decades ago the Hmong women had a lot more self-respect. They might sleep with the men but they didn't live together. Then they started cohabitating even with their children still living in the house. But now they have surpassed cohabitation. They are following these men into territories with few Hmong and live isolated from their family. Then these dudes just abandon them there. Many of these Hmong women die without a true resting place that is easily accessible for their children, parents, and siblings. What's worse is that when they die these dudes don't even care to do a proper funeral since they aren't married. If her family demands it and forces him then he'll do a very cheap and quick one. He is ready to bold out of there.

I have already heard many of these stories on Hmong Youtube story channels.