I feel like a hostage. How did I get myself here? All I need to do is walk away and block him, and that’s how the game ends. My heart can’t seem to do that bc he hasn’t done anything horribly wrong to me. I feel weak every time he convince me to stay, so I stay when I know I deserve better. Does he not know that keeping the relationship is only killing us both. We need to let go. We need to move on.
“Stop trying to convince me to stay. We don’t need to continue this..go live your life and be with who you want to be with” i said to him.
“I don’t want to end this, I love spending my time with you, we get along so well, we always have fun. Your my best friend. I’m not willing nor am I ready to say goodbye, I never will...”
“Your hurting me by hanging on...your selfish. Do you ever wonder if something wrong here?? Are you trying to make me a fool by pretending you want something when you don’t”
He got really emotional. I can hear his voice cracking and breaking...It was incredibly hard to understand what he was saying. And he was trying to get off the phone, but I wouldn’t let him go. We needed to talk through this and end it. What annoys me the most is that he won’t say the words. He never even utter a sound about breaking up...so do I have to go bat shit crazy for him to tell me it’s over? Am I not using the right words? Is it bc I do love him too that when he convinces me to stay, I see a glimmer of hope and so I fall back?
“I’ll call you, I’ll text you, I’ll send you pictures and I’ll let you know what I’m doing when I’m out there...”
“Your always leaving...just let go already...stop coming back to me...I won’t ask you to give me an explanation... i don’t care for a closure anymore... I’m not begging for your time or your love, that shits beneath me, I was just asking for a closure..but yeah, I don’t even want it anymore”
I felt numb but tears streamed down my face.
“I will not bc I can’t...When I get home, I’ll call you and I’m gonna take you out, I still owe you dinner....” he said in shaking and breaking voice that made me cried a little inside.
Prolonging the relationship is only more painful. Is he expecting me to always be there? Is he so used to having me around that he knows no matter where he goes in the world or how long he’s gone, I will still be around? Well , one day I won’t be there... one day he’ll look for me and I’ll be gone. One day he’ll try to find me And it would be like I never existed...
Why are we both struggling with this? I don’t need his permission to leave... but How can you walk from someone you’ve know this long and had this kind of relationship with And not give each other a proper goodbye?
I’m trying to understand and sometimes wonder if I’m blind and not seeing something here. 1+1 will always equal 2, I keep telling myself. 1+1 can’t be 8...
But I think sometimes we stay bc there’s this thing that feels unfinished about our relationship. Like we haven’t fully explore what’s there and haven’t given the relationship a real honest chance to be something great, to reach its potential. And he knows he’s not giving me the best of him and I’m not either. But if we did, it would probably be really amazing and it’s scary. The thought of leaving something unfinished is sad and incomplete. I think that’s what’s causing it to be so hard, he gets emotional about it and avoids it, I like to talk about it and find a way to end it. But even that’s not enough to even make me stay...
He wanted to meet up today so we can have a serious talk.
“These are things we need to talk face to face” he said to me.
“No... it’s pointless to meet up when we can just say it on the phone, I don’t see a reason to meet up for it...”
The truth is I’m not going to meet with him. I’m not going to go see him and I will make sure that last time we saw each other will be the last time he’ll ever see my face. Ok i say a lot of shit but Im not that strong yet...lol
I have a life to live and don’t have time for this. But why do men hang on and don’t let go even when it seems like the relationship had ran it’s course...even when the other is not happy anymore? Even when they have hordes of girls chasing them...even when you haven’t put much effort in... etc it just doesn’t make sense to me... Bc had it been another person, they would go already left and broken up and accepted the end of the relationship.