Marriage & having kids is not a requirement in life so this gal could've just

[theking]

..said no and not participate instead of living with resents:

‘I’m unmarried and childless and I resent spending money on other people’s happiness’

Dear Moral Money,

This is perhaps more of a rant than a dilemma, but I think it’s a position a lot of people must find themselves in.

Over the past few years, a number of my friends have got married and had babies, and while I’m happy for them, they’ve collectively cost me thousands of pounds when I think about money spent on hen dos, baby showers, hotels I’ve stayed in for weddings, cards, presents, new outfits.

I have no plans to get married or have a child, so there’s no scope for me to get any of this effort and expense back.

I know you shouldn’t give with the expectation to receive, but do you think there’s any way of redressing the balance without losing friends?

Anon

Dear reader,

Thank you for raising the question of balance. It has always been a bit of a mystery to me. I seem to spend my entire life seeking it, and the very fact the search continues confirms how elusive it is.

The weather is too cold at some times of the year and too hot at others; I am either full of beans or tired; I have a little of something which is enjoyable (and usually bad for me) and I want more – conversely, I struggle to motivate myself to do something (usually good for me) that I promised myself I would do.

All this stems from an idea that I know what the right balance looks and feels like. This, I suspect, is where the problem starts for me – and maybe it is the same for you?

We are conditioned by the environment we grow up in. We start to formulate our ideas of “normal” out of our experience as we develop.

This is then backed up by how people and society treat us when we start doing the things we have learnt. We then make decisions about whether to continue a behaviour or not.

We get lured into the competition of buying friends presents. The retail industry spends lots of money encouraging us to believe these behaviours win us friends and influence.

Before we know it we are spending money on presents we don’t want to buy, with money we haven’t got, for people who already have all they need.

The practical side of me wants to warn against being overly generous at the cost of your own financial security, and definitely avoid getting into debt in order to win the approval of others – but it doesn’t sound as though it is an affordability problem as much as an unfair balance of giving to receiving “rant”.

I think the best tip I have ever heard around the cost of gifts is to go down the personalised and handmade route. Make a collage out of photos and memorabilia (or get someone to do it for you if you are time-poor, or not the crafting sort), or commission a knitted garment, or have a personalised mug thrown by a local potter.