Kuv me Nkauj Hnub

[cwjmemdub]

And that's why you're here writing all these poems.. hoping that someday she will be reading them or is she already reading them now? Sad, but sometimes.. that's life and it's not fair all the time.

Well, I'm writing all these poems to show her how much I love her just in case we run into each other again because when she was forced to leave she came to see me but I wasn't home and she left crying her heart out.  My sister told me that.

[cwjmemdub]

Doesn't everyone kinda have that story?

Yes, that's true.  However, my case happened in the refugee camp back in Thailand in my early teens.  My xgf's family had a restaurant inside the new Nong Khai camp.  One day the guards just told them to pack up and go home cause the camp was gonna be locked down.  That day I was at school in the city and I guess her parent went to get her at her school and told her they had to leave.  So, she came to see me and I wasn't home.

After that no outsiders were allowed to come in the camp and we couldn't go out unless one is the head of household and had permission to go out to look for jobs.

Then, a few monts after that I left for the US with my family.  When I finished high school, I went straight to work and a few years later I had enought money to go back.  I went back and, because I didn't know her address, I was asking ppl around.  I asked the wrong person.  She noticed  that I was different so she asked if I was Japanese.  We talked and I told her about my xgf.  Then she said she knew them well.  She said that she'd have her niece take me there.  She called her niece over and after they had a private talk her niece demanded that we took my belonings to a hotel and took her out first before going to my xgf.

I suspected something wasn't right so I told them that I'd go get a room in a hotel and come back and take her to a tourist attraction.  On my way back to the city I told the driver to drop me off at the train station and went back to Bangkok.  I came back home a couple of days later.  Never get to see her cause she used to tell me that if she ever saw me with another girl she'd kill me and I was afraid for my life, too.  If anyone knows how Thai ppl are they'd be scared.  Thai pp like to rob strangers.  It's a good thing my hindsight detected the danger that was gonna befallen on me.

After that, every thing was history cause my folks had very strong opinions against my relationship with my xgf.  So, I decided that it wasn't worth putting her in a misserable life.

[cwjmemdub]

Yeah, I've wanted to have that closure for a long time.  However, I know that in order to have it I'd have to meet her in person.  My heart's still not strong enough to handle  a face to face with her cause I know that if we did meet each other we'd both collapse under the enourmous emotion that was manifested for so long.

[cwjmemdub]

It might and it might not be. It all depends. When you have not seen a person for so long and you see them again, all that feelings might just disappear. Maybe all you ever had in your mind is imagination or a dream that will never come true. In order for you to move on, you have to let it go. Make new and beautiful memories with someone new.

I did move on, but instead of helping to ease that weight on my shoulder, it just added more to it.  Now I'm in a situation where I owe my current love so much that I can never leave her for anyone else including my ex.  After my unsuccessful trip to find my ex, I felt so sad and lonely that nothing matters anymore not even my life, and she saved me from self destruction.  She opened up my eyes to a new and wonderful world.  It's just not enough to erase my whole memory of my ex becaue the connection between me and my ex was beyond every thing.  She and I could comunicate telepathically .  It was a love at first sight.  It was so genuine, so innocent.  It was so hard to ignore it ever happened.

[cwjmemdub]

That's how first love is... I've had one like that a long time ago. We understood eachother and as if we can read eachother's mind. I think it would be unfair to your current love that you are still holding a spot in your heart for your ex. It only means that you can not fully love her with all your heart. Does she know about your ex? I hope that you will be able to find that closure either through her or spiritually so your heart can be light again and you will be able to focus all your attention to your current love.

No wonder you posted your Hard To Let Go poem.  So, you do understand why I'm still holding on to a past that could never be my present and future.  She knows about my ex and how much we loved each other, and sometimes it does make her doubt my love for her, but I always tried my best not to lose her trust in me that I love her very much and will love her forever.

[cwjmemdub]

My ex was a THAI so I don't think she'd come to the US and beside she had no clue where I was going.  I'm impressed that you're inspired by my thread.  Writing those poems has released a lot of the heartaches I had for all those years.  It helps me to refocus on my future and concentrate on my relationship with my wife.  She's an angel even though a bit bossy but I can tolerate it especially after the experience of losing someone so dear to me and thank you so much for your company.

[cwjmemdub]

Oh, I see.. then that would be a different story. The reason why I asked how your wife feels or does she know is because i've been through a similiar experience with my ex. It wasn't after we got married when he told me about his story. He was in love with this one church girl. Her parents didn't really approve of them getting married but yet they loved eachother secretly. Then one night he went to visit her and she was acting strange. Kept asking him about marriage. Being at 18, he didn't know what she was hinting. Little does he know that she was already arranged to married another guy who lived in the same town the next night. It bothered him but he just brush it off. The next night he wanted to go back and visit her but when he called her mom said that she went and got married. He was broken hearted. Even after she got married, she was trying to make contact with him but he refused her contact and told her friend to tell her that he vowed to married someone who is so much better/prettier. The next month, he came and met me. We got married right away after only meeting 2x. Then he finally told me that he did not want to loose me like how he lost her.
 
So, all those years..I felt as if I was a rebound.. and that he probably never truly love me. We have wonderful time and he's shown that he loved me alot but I never was content.. knowing what I've known. I've always thought "Is he still thinking about her?" "Does he regret marrying me?"...
 
That's why I asked if your wife was okay with knowing that your heart still ache for your lost loved everyday.

Oh, wow, my wife feels the same way you discribed how you felt.  She even said to me almost the same words that you used.  Whenever she gets mad she'd say that I never loved her and that she was my second choice.  I do feel her pain though got caught in some thing that was never her fault.  So, what happened to your ex and you?  Why aren't you together any more?  If my wife would ever leave me I'd understand, but the thing that scares me the most is she's so faithful.  So, I guess I'll have to do whatever she wants and that's exactly what I'm doing every day.

[cwjmemdub]

I was the most faithful person on this earth. I was protected, veiled, and sheltered in every possible ways but then it turns our that he was the one that need sheltering.. He broke the trust/love and that's what happened. Once something is broken, it can never be repair or put back it's original form. Even if you do put it or glue it back, it will eventually leak or break again. That's how it is with relationship. But let me tell you something... as much as he loved and missed her.... guess who he miss the most at the end? It was ME that he miss the most... He even went to LB and saw her and one her daughter looks kinda like me and he was so sad.. He told me that at that moment... she missed me so much... nothing in the world matters.. So you see.. what you hold and think you need, may not be it.
 
I hope you do not take her for granted and I hope that you will be able to find the closure your heart wants so much so you can let it go. And concentrate fully on your faithful wife for she is still waiting on koj nawb mog.....

Thanks a lot for reminding me not to stray off from my wife.  If I wanted to could have done it a long time ago.  Like you said, what's broken can never be repaired to be like the original.  So, I'm content with what I have now.  I can live without that closure and willing to put it off till next life if there's any at all.  I might not be able to forget the past, but I can use what happened to better my present and future relationship for sure.

[cwjmemdub]

I didn't know that you have two threads going on. I was reading the other thread and thought you had deleted all of our conversation. I'm so...

You know I'd never do that cause I really appreciate your company.
I hope you'll come back again.

[cwjmemdub]

Sweet_Tear,

my appreciation for your time.

http://youtu.be/oS0RR0vTXC4

[cwjmemdub]

Aww.. that is wonderful dedication. I've always love that song. Thank you very much!!!  

You're very welcome.  A sweet lady like you deserve things that are even better than that.

[cwjmemdub]

Kuv Minkaujhnub


Yog tsis muaj koj nyob hauv lub siab
Zov tus ntsuj plig kom txhob mus thawj thiab
Ntshe lub cev twb tsis zoo yuav lawm
Los ntshe twb tau mus ua tsev nyob tim dawm

Nim muab lub ntuj ua chaw dai siab
Tias lub ntuj yuav muab kev ncaj ncees rau wb thiab
Hnub tsis ntev hmo tsis ntau
Wb yeej yuav rov sib tau

Hnub mus ua hli hli mus ua xyoo
Nug txog twg tsis hnov koj lub moo
Lub neej hmo ntuj tsis muaj nruab hnub
Yuav tsis paub kaj yog tsis tau koj los hlub

Yuav ua cas kab pleb hauv lub plawv thiaj yuav nqawm
Kom tus kab mob noj plawv khiav tawm
Ntshe lub kua muag yuav tsis muaj hnub tu
Vim lub ntuj yeej tsis kam mloog kuv lub suab hu

[cwjmemdub]

Hnub no kuv lub siab mob
Mob rau txoj kev nco
Zoo li tu pos chob
Zoo li muaj ib rab riam hno

Vim ntuj tsis coj
Wb rov los sib tshuam
Niaj hnub zaum ntawm ntug hiavtxwv ntsia nkoj
Seb puas pom kuv mi leej muam

Tawm ntsej muag luag ntxhi
Khiav khiav los puag
Li yav thaum i
Wb niaj hnub sib cuag

Seb lub siab puas rov
Hlav vov lub kiavtxhab
Yog muaj koj puag sov
Lub plawv thiaj yuav rov muaj txab

Kuv mi Nkaujhnub
Koj quaj los koj luag
Kuv lub ntuj dub
Nyob nrog kua muag

[cwjmemdub]

Mi leej muam tus kuv nco
Nkauj Hnub tsuas yog tus dhau hnub dhau hmo
Kuv tuaj seev txog nws
Twb vim lub plawv dhia tsis sib xws
Zaum no muaj koj ua tus hlub
Kuv yuav tsis pub kom koj lub ntuj dub
Muaj koj cev tes rau kuv tuav
Kuv zoo siab yuav nrog koj taug tib tug npau suav
Cia kuv so koj lub kua muag
Txhob cia kuv ua ib tug neeg pluag
Tsis muaj kev hlub li luag tej
Tsam kuv lub plawv tawg ces ntshav ho mus zas dej
Nriajteb yuav tsis tau haus
Txhua txoj sia yuav xaus
Wb txoj hmoov yeej los txog lawm
Txhob tos kom daim ntawv sawm
Khi kuv tus ntsuj rau koj nruab siab
Vim kuv nyiam hnia koj tus ntxhiab
Yuav tsis pub koj ncaim kuv mus
Los zaum mloog kuv cov lus
Kuv hlub koj tshaj kuv txoj sia
Mi nkauj Hmoob tus duav nqia
Koj txoj kev hlub yog lub povhaum
Tsis muaj leej twg yuav zoo npaum
Thiaj txiav txim siab tuav koj txhais tes
Hlub koj kom lub nriajteb nres
Wb sib hlub li no mus tsis paub ploj
Ruaj npaum muab hmab hlua zoj

[cwjmemdub]

Kuv Mi Nkauj Hnub



Tiam no wb puas yuav sib tau
Thiab puas yuav muaj lwm tiam tiag
Kuv lub siab niaj hnub niaj hmo quaj twb yuav vau
Los twb tsis pom koj los qhov twg los ntxias kom ntsiag

Lwm tiam ces ntshe lam hais kom zoo siab xwb
Wb txoj kev hlub twb zoo li tus dej ntws
Sib sib hlub sib nco kab pleb hauv lub plawv twb xwb
Nrhiav tshuaj txog twg los tsuas yog kev tws

Qhia koj tias kuv hlub koj ib leeg xwb mog
Mi Nkauj Hnub tus kuv ntsia tsis paub dhuav
Txawm wb nyias nyob nyias ib roojteb los thov koj nco txog
Tej lus wb cog koom taug ib tug npau suav

Txij thaum muab lub siab lub ntsws rau koj tag
Lub cev lam laug hnub laug hmo nyob lawm xwb
Luag tej tias nraum zoov ntshav ntuj nrig mus txog cas tsuas yog nag
Mi nplooj xyoob nplooj ntoos kaus vej kaus vuam tsis kam pab khwb