Domestic Violence Class

[Believe_N_Me]

An abusive man isn't always someone that uses physical violence. There are plenty who emotionally abuse. Gotta watch out for those because they are even more slick and go undetected since there are no bruises to leave what I call "fingerprints". Generally, they come off as laid back, open for anything, and do not like to set clear parameters. They do all of this for very specific reasons: to always be in control.

And this is how:

By not clearly defining parameters it's easy for them to shift blame onto their wife/girlfriend. This way they can always say that she's "being too insecure", "jealous", "emotional", "lacks trust in him", etc. This will make her feel inadequate and have her second-guessing herself - tear down her self-esteem. A good example:

Say he goes out to dinner with a female companion (doesn't matter if the gf/wife likes this woman or not). If the gf/wife brings it up he'll accuse her of being "insecure" and "jealous". But say she goes out to dinner with a male companion (that he discreetly disapproves of - he'll never be upfront about his true feelings about this person), it should've been her common sense to know that it was inappropriate. Of course, none of these things are discussed beforehand but brushed over. The abusive man will say that he's open to it (of course unless the table was turned on him). He'll even pretend to take the high road by not discussing things but he'll either just dissolve the relationship OR keep testing her until he's comfortable leaving the relationship, in which he will hash up all these reasons for why he's leaving.

There are men that don't commit because they just aren't ready to, but then there are men who do it to remain in control. They may even say things like "If it isn't what she wants then she can just leave." See how this passes accountability onto the woman so it's easy for him to bring up the "if she is going to be insecure...yad da yadda yadda". The gf/wife must always put on an act that she is okay with this even though it may not be her decision or what she wants because she doesn't want to be seen as "insecure". Emotionally abusive men like to use that as their ammo a lot! Of course, NO woman wants to appear insecure so she'll go along with it. He uses this as an opportunity to make it sound like it is a mutual agreement. Again, so he can again pass blame onto her if she changes her mind later. Because it's not what she wants but what they BOTH supposedly AGREED to. "Well if she's unhappy then she should have just left." Notice how he's unbending and unwilling to go with what she wants? It's as if she's not allowed to change her mind later without the reasons being that she is "insecure", "conforming", "pressured by outside influences", etc. 

[LadyLionness]

https://www.facebook.com/groups/HVN.LifeClass.DV/permalink/540625472670643/


Yee Leng Yang
When I decided to go to Pa Nhia Vue’s burial on August 1, my initial intention was only to find out more about the reasoning behind the controversy of the funeral. It was interesting to me because it was the first time I heard that nobody in the Hmong community wanted to do a funeral for someone. It was an innocent gesture, I thought. But, I quickly found out that some would take offense at me for going, and I received an earful of reasons why Pa Nhia wasn’t receiving a proper Hmong burial. I was even warned that if I gave any sunshine money at the service, they would not be very happy with me. I took that as some sort of subtle threat. A heated argument ensued. Fortunately, it didn’t last longer than a few minutes, and I quickly disregarded their comments. What’s interesting is that I found out I was related to both Pa Nhia Vue and her husband. What’s sad is that one would think that since I was related to Pa Nhia Vue, my decision in going to the burial service should not have been a problem at all. But, oh, what happened was a wake-up call.
 
 And so, I went to the burial service. Would you like to know what was presented in front of me for my mind to digest throughout that day?
 
 I noticed many ongoing issues that were raised by the controversy surrounding Pa Nhia’s burial. They are, in no particular order: (1) The competency of our leaders in finding a solution to such a case; (2) the authority, or lack thereof, of the 18 Clan Council in enforcing a solution to a highly controversial issue; (3) the unequal treatment of women in the Hmong community, regardless of the situation; (4) the necessity to change our perception of the Hmong culture as being completely fixed or inalterable; (5) the effectiveness of the Hmong women’s ability to raise awareness about issues affecting them; (6) the notion that a Hmong woman in a leadership position, if left unchecked, will dishonor her people and her culture; (7) the thought that the most honor that a Hmong woman can bring to her husband and her family is to be submissive and take whatever treatment she receives from her husband and her in-laws; ( the idea that making such a controversy a public debate is bad for our people’s progress; and (9) the belief that obedience to and respect for the Hmong culture and clan system is the best way to help with the progression of our people toward more unity.
 
 I want to dive deeper into each of those issues, but that would take too long. So I will focus on issues (5), (6), and (7).
 
 (5): On this matter, I applaud the women who took the initiative to push our leaders to come up with some sort of resolution, even though in the end there was no solution. This whole case about Pa Nhia Vue wouldn’t be a big case at all if she had received a proper burial. The women’s group that was pushing for domestic violence issues would have quickly been silenced because there’s just not much support for their cause. Even I didn’t go to the burial service to support the movement against domestic violence. But, because our leaders failed to reach some sort of resolution, to the point that the integrity of the Hmong culture was left to be seen as very lacking, it caught my attention. Now, I’m a nobody. But because I care about our culture and our people, I can’t sit idly and not contribute to the positive change that this cause will bring.
 
 (6): I have not seen a better example of how a Hmong woman, as a public figure in a position of leadership, can challenge tradition and still show respect for her people and her culture than the way Mao Khang presented herself at the burial service and during the interview with Suab Hmong. Most individuals who are fighting for a particular cause have tunnel vision and tend to overlook the potential damage their movement can have on other aspects life, especially if their ideas and methodology are too radical. I thought she did a great job, and if everyone associated with her shares the same mentality that she has, then I have nothing but hope for the future that lies ahead for Hmong women. And because I believe that behind every great man is a great woman, there is nothing we can’t achieve moving forward.
 
 (7): I didn’t see domestic violence as a very big Hmong issue at all with Pa Nhia’s case, because the mistreatment or abuse of women is a problem among every people in America, and because there were larger issues than domestic violence in the forefront. But I had the privilege to be mind-slapped while having lunch with female members of the SILENCE group after the burial. Whenever I thought of abusive husbands, I thought of (A) drunken men who couldn’t control their temper who beat their wives because their wives did something to provoke them; (B) men who got carried away while trying to discipline their wives; and (C) the wives of those men who just don’t know to walk out on them. Wow, did I get a wake-up call. I overheard one particular survivor of domestic violence share her story, and I found it to be unique because it made me aware of more issues in the Hmong community. On one occasion, she was beaten by her husband and dragged down a cement staircase while she was pregnant with his child, because of what? Because she woke him up at night to ask for his keys because she needed to get something out of his car. On another occasion, she asked her husband to put their son in another room, and for what reason? Because she saw the look in his face and knew that he was going to beat her, and not wanting her son to see what was going to happen, she put him in another room; and while her husband beat her, she did her best to not make a sound because she didn’t want her son to hear her horrific cries coming from the other room. On yet another occasion, she was able to flee from her husband before he could beat her by climbing out of a window. She ran to her parents’ house, where she would be comforted and protected, or so she thought. What did they end up doing? They put her in the car and sent her back to her husband, and for what reason? Beats the heck out of me! Did your mind just get slapped after hearing about what she went through? Suddenly, what Hmong women with abusive husbands go through is a lot like what some of my Hmong friends went through in middle school and high school, where they got picked on by some White kids for no reason other than they’re not White. They tell their parents, but what do their parents say? “You must have looked at them wrong” or “You probably did something to them” or “It’s because of the way you dress and the kids you hang out with” or “Just stay away from them and you’ll be fine.” Well, what those parents don’t understand is that trouble comes looking for you whether you want it or not. Once I put into perspective how Hmong parents behaved in other situations, it’s no longer surprising why they would send their daughter back to a husband who for sure would beat her again, possibly to the point of disfigurement, disability, or even death. I didn’t like it when Hmong parents were passive in handling bullies during my grade school years, and I don’t like it when they are passive in handling domestic violence today.
 
 I went to Pa Nhia’s burial service to learn more about why she didn’t get a proper funeral service. But I came away learning more about myself, the status of my people’s progress in America, and the many things we need to work on changing to become a stronger, more unified, more intelligent people. If you read this, and you are moved my experience, and you have the chance to attend the memorial service for Pa Nhia Vue in Wausau, do it. If nothing spectacular comes out of it, it’s because you didn’t show up. Most movements require great support and contributions from many individuals. GO, LISTEN, OBSERVE, ANALYZE, DISSECT, PONDER, REFLECT, SEE, and WITNESS what needs to be done to make our people stronger and better. Don’t be passive like the parents in the two cases I discussed. This may have started as a push against domestic violence, but it will include so much more. We need to address more issues than what was listed earlier, but one at a time. IF YOU WANT CHANGE, you need to know one thing: THE CHANGE NEEDS YOU.
 
 Pa Nhia Vue Memorial
 Saturday, September 7, 2013
 1:00 PM to 5:00 PM
 
 Elder Sanctuary, LLC
 215 E. Thomas Street
 Wausau, WI 54401
 

[LadyLionness]

ASSESSING DANGEROUSNESS
IN MEN WHO ABUSE WOMEN


By Lundy Bancroft


(Based on sections of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)


   A considerable body of research has accumulated about predicting dangerousness in men who batter. The work of Jacquelyn Campbell, Neil Websdale, and David Adams has been particularly important and insightful in this regard.
   Abuser programs, other professionals, and abused women themselves have the need to assess the potential that a particular abuser has to kill or dangerously harm his current or former partner and any children that are involved. A considerable number of risk factors have emerged that have predictive value in making such an assessment.
   Danger assessment for men who abuse women is still far from being an exact science, however. There are documented killings by men whose previous profile did not make them appear to have the potential for such severe or cruel violence. Therefore all abused women should be encouraged to work with a trained advocate on creating a safety plan. Women should also be encouraged to take seriously intuitions that they have about the dangerousness of a partner or former partner, even if he does not exhibit a large number of the risk factors listed below.
   Factors that should be taken particularly seriously include:


•   The woman has a strong “gut” sense that the man could kill her or her children, or could carry out a serious and dangerous assault against any of them or against himself.
•    He is extremely jealous and possessive. This characteristic becomes even more worrisome when he appears to be obsessive, constantly keeping her at the center of his thoughts and appearing to be unable to conceive of life without her. He has, for example, made statements such as, “If I can’t have you, nobody will.”
•    He has a history of severe or very frequent violence toward her, or toward other individuals such as past partners.
•    He follows her, monitors her whereabouts, uses high-tech means to keep tabs on her, or stalks her in other ways. He knows where she lives and works, knows names and addresses of her friend or relatives, or is in very familiar with her daily routines.
•    She is taking steps to end the relationship, or has already done so.
•    He was violent to her during a pregnancy.
•    There are stepchildren involved.
•    He has threatened to kill her or to hurt her severely, has strangled her, or has threatened her with a weapon (including making verbal reference to using a weapon, even if he did not actually brandish it). He has threatened to kill the children or the whole family.
•    He has access to weapons and/or he is familiar with their use.
•    He is depressed, suicidal, or shows signs of not caring what happens to him. He has, for example, threatened to kill himself if she leaves him.
•    He is unemployed.
•    He isn’t close to anyone, and no current relationships with friends or relatives are important to him.
•    He has a significant criminal history and/or he has a history of using violence or threatening violence against other people.
•    He abuses alcohol or drugs heavily, especially if his habits involve daily or nearly daily intoxication.
•    He has been violent to children.
•    He has killed or in other ways been violent to pets, or has used other terror tactics.
•    He uses pornography heavily and/or has a history or perpetrating sexual violence or degradation against his partner or others.
•    He has exhibited extreme behaviors when his current partner or past partners have made attempts to leave him.


   The current state of knowledge does not make it possible to create a formula from the above factors to create low, moderate, and high-risk categories of risk. A particularly extreme presentation in even one of the above categories can be a basis for serious concern. Professionals, abused women, and others attempting to use this list of factors, need to apply their findings with common sense and intuition. When an abusive man appears particularly dangerous based on the above factors or for other reasons, professionals involved with him should inform the abused woman as soon as possible (more on this below). They should also inform appropriate police departments, any mental health or child protection professionals involved with the man, and anyone else who might be in a position to prevent a dangerous assault from taking place. Abuser programs and other professionals working directly with them an should inform him that they are concerned that he may commit a serious or lethal assault, and should try to persuade him to commit himself to a psychiatric hospital, substance abuse detox, or other facility that could contain him and persuade him not to become violent.
   An abused woman should of course be informed when the man is showing a worrisome pattern of the above factors, or extreme responses in even one or a few factors. The woman should be encouraged to participate in strategic safety planning. A strategic safety plan can include such elements as:
•   Planning different escape routes from her house
•   Hiding spare car keys and important documents (birth certificates, health cards, bank cards) in places where she could grab them and leave quickly
•   Varying her daily routine, including the routes she typically takes to get from one place to another
•    Setting code words with friends, and with her children, which indicate that there is an emergency, and plan how they are to respond if she says the code word
•    Opening a secret bank account
•    Informing people at her work of the potential danger
•    Informing friends and relatives of the potential danger
•    Involving her children in creating a safety plan (see my article “Safety Planning With Children of Abused Women” on this website)
•    Staying away strictly from drugs or alcohol herself to make sure that her judgment is never impaired, and seeking substance abuse treatment for herself if necessary
•    Advising the local police department of the risk to her, including any past threats or violence, and asking what special services or protections might be available to her
   These are just a few examples of the numerous safety strategies she can put into place with the help of an abuse specialist to increase her safety. She can call an abuse hotline and develop a safety plan without even providing her name or telephone number, ensuring her complete privacy. If she can go to an abused women's program and meet with someone face to face, all the better. (For more information on safety planning, see the book Safety Planning With Battered Women by Eleanor Lyon, Jill Davies, and Diane Monti-Catania, from Sage Publications).
   If she is frightened of her abusive partner it is important for her to make a safety plan even if she does not plan to leave him at this point. If she senses that he has a capacity for frightening violence, she should start planning now for how she will keep herself and her children safe should a dangerous situation arise in the future. Some psychologicall y abused women feel confident that their partners would never escalate to violence or threats. However, my experience is that most abusive men - though not all - do become physically frightening sooner or later, even if they never carry through with using violence. It makes sense for every abused woman to spend some time considering how she will respond if the unexpected happens.