The Abusive Mentality (Part 2)
Reality 1: He is controlling
An abuser believe in his right to control his partner's action; he expected his word to be the last word; and he did not accept defiance. He considered it his right to punish her - in the most severe way he could think of - if she took steps to recover ownership of her life. He talked proudly of how he had "allowed" her various freedoms while they were together, as if he were her parent, and defended his right to remove her privileges when he thought the time had come.
Control comes in many different forms. Some have been so extremely controlling they could have passed for military commanders. One went so far as to require his children to do calisthenics each morning before school. His wife was not allowed to speak to ANYONE without his permission, and he would order her back to her room to change clothes in the morning if he didn't approve of her outfit. At dinner time, he would sit back and comment like a restaurant reviewer on the strengths and weaknesses of what she had prepared and would periodically instruct her to go to the kitchen to get things for the children, as if she were a waitress.
This man's style was at one end of the spectrum of controlling behavior, however. Most stake out specific turf to control, like an explorer claiming land, rather than trying to run everything. Another abuser may be fanatical about having to win every argument but leave his partner alone about what she wears. One may permit his partner to argue with him about the children, for example, but if she refused to let him change he TV station when he wants, watch out. Another may have a curfew for his partner, while one will allow his partner to come and go as she pleases - as long as she makes hi meals and does his laundry.
