The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

[Rebel]

All ends ugly I said.   

It is what it is. That’s the whole point... tired of all these easy ass boring shit. I need to go to the dark side or something and experience all that crazy stuff people like to tell me about...and I won’t get that here or in Vegas lmao

[Rebel]

Your an idiot btw  you know nothing about love lol @ duma

[Rebel]

He blew up my phone..

“I’ll meet you there at the restaurant” I texted him
“Why? Come by my house and we’ll take Uber”
“Nah...”
“Nah? Look I’ll see you at the house I’m not sure where we’ll go eat at”
“For reals? You don’t know? You always know...”

At the house
“We’re not drinking...I want to be able to drive home after we eat”
“What’s wrong with you”
“Nothing... we’ll talk about it later”

After dinner we found ourself at his front porch.

“I won’t see you for a long time...”

“What do you mean? What if I die, you will never know.,”

“Duck stop throwing that shit at me... let’s not see each other for a while”

“No...”

“ I don’t want to see you anymore, I’m done. Go live your life. We’ll be friends, I’ll see you again, just not now”

“ ducken your crazy this is not the end. I planned a vacation for us in June, you can’t end this. Your going with me.,..”

“Go by your damn self”

“ oh my gosh rebel,  we’re not ending this, call me... no, I’m going to call you”

“No, oh my gosh you, I’ll see you in a few months! I can’t do this crazy shit with you any more! I needa time out, a break”

“What do you want? You want to get married? You want kids, I’ll give them to you! I’ll give you what you want”

“ I don’t want nothing, I’m just done”

He ran after me to the car

“I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE,  IM DONE.” I turned back and screamed at him

“Nah, you drive home and I’m gonna call you later, when your calm down and can think rationally”

“Call and see if I pick up, I’m done” before I shut my door
——

I keep preparing on what I would say to him. I was just going to tell him I was going to be busy and won’t see him for a couple months. I wanted to keep things simple. But oh well...

[DuMa]

Your an idiot btw  you know nothing about love lol @ duma

You a dummy running around looking for love in all the wrong place. 

You are like my Hmong friend who is gonna leave his wife soon.  You see, he too only married his wife young cuz he knocked her up.  He's just playing his husband role when he's with her but nothing special I'm seeing in a loving relationship.  So when this Mistress was around, he felt that love, the missing loving feeling in his life as though he missed out on life.  He's riding on cloud 9 I say. I hope it works out for him cuz he finally knows what love is.  At least in this case, it is reciprocating on both sides. 

I know what love is.  Been there done that.  I was once in loved too you know but I can't salvage a woman who likes many other di*cks. 

I mean for those who reads this before it disappears, I got this Facebook page from rebel and same chit, I can never love a girl that looks like this.  It's Poison I say so I saved me the headache from going any further.   

https://m.facebook.com/shouees.lee

[Rebel]

Sometimes you gotta shut your feelings off. duck these feelings! Lol But one thing I can’t shut off is my weird craziness inside, like an itch, I can only hone it down...trying the best to be a normal human being lol

Some days I feel like Harley Quinn-crazy, I just wanna run my ass through the desert with a rifle and go snake hunting, in nothing but a two piece and sunglasses on. Leave my hair messy. I’ll have a beer and a carton of star berries to snack on and maybe tamales for lunch. I’ll bring a damn beach chair so I can tan. I’ll Roll around in the desert sand and soak up the sun then wait for the sun to go down. I’ll knock myself out with some more alcohol then wake up early before the sun comes up  so I can watch the sun rise... and I’ll just slay and slay and slay the day away.... I need to celebrate something lol

I can’t stand this easy pace of life...it Bores me to tears, I think I’m in need of an adventure..,,

Anyways I tore down a book shelf I had and donated the rest to a goodwill. Feeling sad but I’m borderline hoarding them, plus people been giving them to me so I have more than enough to read through in this lifetime lol spring cleaning what I call it 

[Rebel]

You a dummy running around looking for love in all the wrong place. 

You are like my Hmong friend who is gonna leave his wife soon.  You see, he too only married his wife young cuz he knocked her up.  He's just playing his husband role when he's with her but nothing special I'm seeing in a loving relationship.  So when this Mistress was around, he felt that love, the missing loving feeling in his life as though he missed out on life.  He's riding on cloud 9 I say. I hope it works out for him cuz he finally knows what love is.  At least in this case, it is reciprocating on both sides. 

I know what love is.  Been there done that.  I was once in loved too you know but I can't salvage a woman who likes many other di*cks. 

I mean for those who reads this before it disappears, I got this Facebook page from rebel and same chit, I can never love a girl that looks like this.  It's Poison I say so I saved me the headache from going any further.   

https://m.facebook.com/shouees.lee

Gonna go detox and cleanse my soul 

[Rebel]

My friend got her 23 and me done a while ago and shared her results with me today. She’s 58 percent Scandinavian when she though she was something else and was surprise by the result.

“You should get yours done. You look like you could have a quarter Caucasian in you. I’ve seen all your family and you just don’t blend in...you’ll be surprise with what you find, girl!”

And she was right. I don’t see any Caucasian in me at all. But I don’t look like my parents either...There is no resemblance and I always knew that when I was little that  in pictures that I took with my cousins/relatives I look kind of different but for someone to bring that up to me....just got me really thinking that maybe I am not who I thought I was this whole time.

Ordering my kit soon maybe I’ll share the results lol I wouldn’t be surprise if I have a little bit of Mexican and some flipino in me lmao there’s just no way I can be full Hmong, well it would be impossible bc we are so intermingle with other races but yeah we’ll see lol

Edit: I just thought of something really weird! Maybe I was switched at birth   

[Rebel]

I can’t believe how an experience can be so bad that it changed my entire outlook on relationships. Almost two years now since my ex and I split and I still feel like I had just came home from a war zone, experiencing occasional PTSD... Im liberated yet my soul is not free. I’m breathing but at the same time I still feel dead inside. I wake up some mornings freaking out thinking that I’ll wake up from a dream and my worst nightmare would come true, that my ex is still living in my home and still married to me...

[Rebel]

Few days before Easter Sunday

“I need to see you before I leave, I need you to take me to the airport”

“get them girls to take you...”

“I like to see you before I leave. We can talk, if you want”

After some time of going back and forth on the phone... We meet up again. And carried on where we left off, like nothing happened...I was too annoyed to get into conversations with him so I asked for a movie. He put on the movie “Time” with Justine Timberlake...

“You don’t want to end this? Fine” I said to him quietly from the couch

He smiled.

And back to square one.
“But this time things will be different.”
——
 Later that night after the movie ended

“Listen, I’m coming back in 10 days... write the date down on your calendar bc I’m going to need you to pick me up at the airport. And I need you to go take your birth control out bc when I get back we going to try for a baby”

I jumped the off the couch

“Nooo! What the hell is wrong with you....What makes you think I’m a qualified person to be a parent? I still want to travel and do things with my life... I can’t do all that with kids... I just barely got out of a marriage... I haven’t experience all of life...there’s places I want to go, things I want to do..”

“We get along so well and I’m serious about this. You can still do all that and travel,  I don’t mind having the kids while you live your life...I want some cute little Hmong girls...so we’re going to plan for it! Take your birth control out before I get back...Besides, I found a few properties in Hawaii and in time I’m moving out there... I’ll want you to go out there with me...if you want”

No way I’ll have kids without some kind of commitment. Fool, alway playing games with me.

I dropped him off In the morning. When he reached his destination he texted me

[Hunnaydew]

Hi Rebel, love shouldn’t be this complicated. I think you’re hanging around someone whose toxic, you should really make up your mind about your cat and mouse chases with him and whether it’s worth the heartache.

[Rebel]

Hi Rebel, love shouldn’t be this complicated. I think you’re hanging around someone whose toxic, you should really make up your mind about your cat and mouse chases with him and whether it’s worth the heartache.

You’re right. Except I think sometimes I am the toxic one... and he is too. But then how does a normal relationship look like? I’m not even sure...I’m semi commitment phobic and been in semi toxic relationship all my life lol 

[Rebel]

The day we had that discussion he told me to look for baby names. He was throwing some names out saying he wanted to name them after beautiful locations. But we came out with names like, Catherine and Victoria...and St. Michael  lmao in case it’s a boy

“I want powerful girl names” he said

“Well you should go find some beautiful location...you could name them” I said it but wasn’t so serious at the time

Over a week now since and I finally gave my self time to think deeply about it. I imagine how our life would be... and it’s freaking me out....

I finally knew why he had put that movie on for me. Our time in life is ticking away and sometimes you don’t have all that time in life to ponder so long about things. Everyday that second is ticking...ever y breathe we take is a breath gone. And we only have so much heart beat in our lifetime to beat. To think that way makes me want it even more...

What I love the most about him is that he has a  tender and nurturing side to him which I find strange for a man of his kind. I remember on two occasions I was so sick and he took so much good care of me that I was left feeling so cared for and loved, like a baby. That tenderness and love from a guy like him felt strange yet i was mystified by it. My own mother don’t even love me or took care of me that way...And I remember thinking to myself of what kind of amazing father he could be...

“Don’t die on me now” he would say. And he’d laugh... while he wrapped me up in blankets and was unbothered by how gross and sick I was...
————

[lilly]

Rebel, hope you are doing well. 

[Rebel]

Rebel, hope you are doing well. 

Doing awesome. Thanks for asking

[Rebel]

The only way to keep each other at this point  is to have a baby...or fully commit...

I’ve been keeping myself busy the past few months doing my own thing. Recently he started calling me, wondering why I’m always out and about with friends...

“Well things are opening up again...so I been going out..”
“Well why don’t you come over after your done shopping and dinner?”
“Oh it’ll be too late” I said to him, partially lying
“Looks like your going on a date...But ok, have fun” i can tell by his tone of voice he was upset. But oh well... as far as I know I’m single but in a relationship lol

Oh and that trip he came back from? He hung out with a girl out there and got into a knife fight with some bums who was trying to rob them... the girl did something stupid which caused these bums to go after them and try to rob them.

Its funny how he always have weird stories like this to tell me whenever he comes back

“I was so mad...” he said “she pissed me off so much...so I told her to duck off and that I didn’t want to hang out anymore.... I left her behind with the bums...but I’m gonna take you there...” he said.
——
He played some songs and had them on repeat.

“Don’t you hate it that every time I come back from somewhere, I only bring back love songs to you?”

I didn’t answer him. He started talking about love again. That love is the most amazing high in the world. I told him I don’t know how it was to be in love. He told me if I didn’t know he’ll show me. I’m not sure I know what he mean by all this, like perhaps we’re on different pages when it comes to it. Like he loves spreading his love around or likes giving it away? But I don’t randomly give mine away, I don’t wear my heart on my sleeves...

——-
Porch convo

“Im serious when I said I want babies... I want a couple cute little Hmong kids...it doesn’t have to be two, you know.. we can have more”

“I took my birth control out a week after you were gone...I wasn’t sure...you think we’ll be good parents?”

“Of course! I mean what I say...But after what I’ve gone through with my ex...I’m not sure I want to marry again...she took everything I worked so hard for...I have to start over. I don’t think I can go there...But don’t ever ruin what we have here, I love everything about it!”

I didn’t say anything. Bc I don’t want to go there again either. After the hell I went through with my ex, I’m still trying to heal from that damage. I don’t even know if I can ever commit into a relationship again, the reason I put this relationship in limbo is bc even though I want it, I’m not ready to throw my whole self into it, the commitment and responsibility and such that comes along with it...feels so draining to me and it exhaust me just thinking about it...