Ghosting - What is it and how to deal with it?

[DuMa]

This dating coach lady defines ghosting as something different than what I thought it was.  It is not a case of hit and run.  It is a case of going into a relationship and everything seems alright and all of a sudden, the other party just disappears. 

I hope she's right because I would feel a lot better to myself and proud to claim that I have never ghosted a woman ever in my life.  I did not make it to the 2nd date.   

How to deal with ghosting when dating
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/deal-ghosting-dating-153024136.html

PS.  Read the comments.  I'm sure you guys know which one is my contribution   

[Dok_Champa]

Ghosting is for cowards, my opinion.

[Believe_N_Me]

That definition sounds about right to me.

[Believe_N_Me]

The article's definition of ghosting is on point.

Ghosting is a very mean thing to do to someone and I'd say maybe even worse than cheating. When someone cheats, often times it's because the relationship was already in trouble - unless the cheater was always a habitual flirt and cheater to begin with. Cheaters gonna cheat, right?

If someone has a history of ghosting or has ghosted in the past, I'd be cautious about them. This person doesn't know what they want, may have commitment phobia, and will most likely use you to heal whatever relationship trauma and wounds they have before ghosting you. Or worse yet, string you along for years and never commit because now they claim you're the problem.

[DuMa]

Well to me, why do men ghost?  I can't speak for all but ghosting to me has something to do with a few scenario.  Pay attention 

Ladies, if he ghost you, he has already found himself a replacement.  Yes, to cheaters, this will never happen because a cheater will likely keep all of his women.  A cheater will not ghost you because he finds someone new.  Besides, he can't be a cheater if he ghost or dumps you for another person. 

It happens to me but so hear my story out though.     I was dating this chick in college.  Well more like a one way street dating to me.  She was into me but I was not into her but I continued to go on dates with her.  Well she called me out and makes reservation and I was just a poor college student, looking for a free time and free sex.  Then she went digging into my online social media profile and found out about this one hmong girl that I've also been talking to.  We were never a couple but she asked me who this other woman is.  She was a jealous one so one morning, she came to my apartment and knocked on my door.  I heard her screaming from outside that door to let her in or she will break the door down.  I was scared so I laid low in my bed and not making a move and pretended that I was not home.  Well she saw my car parked in the basement garage area and know that I was still at home.  Psycho biatch case and so I had to ghost her.  I got a new number and had to moved out of that apartment asap.  Her name is Connie, a chinese chick with a tattoo of a phoenix, a tramp stamp on her lower back.  I used to draw my fingers on the outline of her tattoo just to keep my mind occupied so that I can last another minute.   

My case is a psycho biatch.  Other people's case may because that they already have that other person and they need to break up with you in a quickness.  Sex is already done so what's left of such relationship?  Time to ghost you, play you for a fool and they go back to their wives or GF1. 

I don't know about other men but I tolerate ghosting better than most.  You pull a ghosting act on me and all I will do is hoping that nothing bad happen to you and that you are fine and ok.  No missing person report and what not you feeling me?  I prefer that you ghosted me.  I deserved a taste of my own medicine but once again, to me, it is not a punishment.  If you ghosted me, you are doing me a favor.  You made the choice for me because making choices are hard for me to do.  Guys that are coward or can't face the jury or can't find the heart to dump a gal will resort to ghosting.  I only officially called the relationship off with one other woman but she deserved it though.  She's a habitual cheater and she is like the viet version of a bimbo.  The girl is like a talking parrot.  She will finish your sentence after you say something.  You know those kind of people right?  They have little to contribute to the conversation so they will recite the last few lines to whatever it is that you are saying just to pretend to understand what you are talking about.  Talking parrot I called it.   

So hit and run is not ghosting?  It should be because it also plays the same narrative.  After the hit, you run and hide.  You don't owe them anything or any explanation.   Maybe this is why some women who gets played like this are so nasty these days.  You treated them wrong and you have created a feminism dike chick who hates most men.  They stopped trusting men and if you ask them if they are single, they will say they are but they are not looking for a relationship.   

[DuMa]

The article's definition of ghosting is on point.

Ghosting is a very mean thing to do to someone and I'd say maybe even worse than cheating. When someone cheats, often times it's because the relationship was already in trouble - unless the cheater was always a habitual flirt and cheater to begin with. Cheaters gonna cheat, right?

If someone has a history of ghosting or has ghosted in the past, I'd be cautious about them. This person doesn't know what they want, may have commitment phobia, and will most likely use you to heal whatever relationship trauma and wounds they have before ghosting you. Or worse yet, string you along for years and never commit because now they claim you're the problem.

I think ghosting is more damaging but people will get over it with due time.  Just make sure you will not run into one another again or else them feelings will come back and they will kick your azz.   

With cheating, you get some sort of a closure.  Cheating is the end of the end with an explanation that the other person cheated on you and did you wrong.  With ghosting, there is no explanation.  The relationship is cut cold turkey which leaves some people in thinking that there is something wrong with them or worse yet, they might hold out on another relationship in thinking that a no closure in the ghosting relationship that the person might return for a happily ever after moment.  Waste people time for real. 

When I was in MN, I met pa moua.  She works at a bank so you know how sophisticated these banker women are.  I was vacationing and met her at the club and we hit it off.  Me playing the pretend game like usual.  You see, when I'm in another state, I played the role of the new guy moving into town.  If they know that you are now going to be a local, they will entertain you.  If you are a tourist, it will be a fling so many women will not give you the time of day.  Well all tourist needs to go home and when I go home, I ghosted her.  I have to, why else?   

A few years later, back to MN I go and I ran into her again and boy, was she happy to see me.  By then, she already has another bf, an older guy as what her facebook says.  Yes, I do digging on other people's profile for fun too.      Also found out that when she met me, she was a woman with a child but she never told me about her daughter.  Pretty sneaky there eh? 

What I'm getting at is that there are plenty of MN and wis hmong women that I "ghosted" and if they see me again, what am I going to say?  I'm glad you never asked   

I will say that it was not my fault because I got in trouble with the IRS and went to jail for it.  I got locked up until now.  An IRS criminal is like a Trump vs saying I got locked up for murder.  Notice the distinction.   

So, if they bite my lines, it is time for round 2, make out, do things and I'll ghost them again because my flight is leaving next week.   Men and their lies.  I hate myself 

[Believe_N_Me]

Ghosters tend to be people who have a lot of baggage and can't fully commit. Even when they do become exclusive with another person, they don't have the skill sets to cultivate a healthy relationship. Which explains why many of the relationships that they can commit to are very toxic. I almost believe that they don't know how to be in relationship with a healthy person because they sabotage it every time. Whether it's because they end up ghosting the good person or their red flags start showing and the good person pulls away.

I say this because I happen to know some ghosters and all their relationships are very tumultuous. I always wondered why they let the good one go, but hold on tightly to the bad ones - only to complain about the bad ones later. I'm like, "you did it to yourself. Yeah, even if your ex was in the wrong, you chose him/her over the person who was good."

I'd say, getting ghosted hurts a lot but it's also a blessing in disguise. You do not want to be with them. Trust me, they don't have what it takes to have a healthy and secure relationship.

[Believe_N_Me]

Duma,

I'm not really sure what you did is considered ghosting. More like modern dating and hookups.

I will give you a pass though. At least you did not string along these women like you are a commitment type of guy and sell them snake oil that you are a decent man still trying to find himself a wife. These women knew exactly what type of guy you were so I think they got their money's worth with you.

[DuMa]

Ghosters tend to be people who have a lot of baggage and can't fully commit. Even when they do become exclusive with another person, they don't have the skill sets to cultivate a healthy relationship. Which explains why many of the relationships that they can commit to are very toxic. I almost believe that they don't know how to be in relationship with a healthy person because they sabotage it every time. Whether it's because they end up ghosting the good person or their red flags start showing and the good person pulls away.

I say this because I happen to know some ghosters and all their relationships are very tumultuous. I always wondered why they let the good one go, but hold on tightly to the bad ones - only to complain about the bad ones later. I'm like, "you did it to yourself. Yeah, even if your ex was in the wrong, you chose him/her over the person who was good."

I'd say, getting ghosted hurts a lot but it's also a blessing in disguise. You do not want to be with them. Trust me, they don't have what it takes to have a healthy and secure relationship.

I think the art of ghosting was created or accidentally discovered by a man.  My reason for this is that the female species are more emotional than a guy.  She can deal with "the talk"  as for most guys, we don't like "the talk"  We hate gossips and dramas vs women loved them.  It is the same as quitting a job.  Why should I get a card and write to my manager a thank you note for?  Does he or the company owes me anything?  Ghosting that company and the hell with everyone that works there.  I'm guilty of it.  They still calls me to check up on me but I don't reply.  After a week or so, it then becomes official that I am not coming back to work and so they deactivated my badge.   A win for me for it is less stressful than lets say I give that 2 weeks notice. 

I mean I can see how it will play out in my head.  I go to her and I tell her that it is not working out.  She then cries and what the heck am I suppose to do at that point?  Start walking away?  I might feel guilty and cry myself. 

When I hear the term ghosting, I see a man doing it to a woman.  Like a hit and run so of speak.  If you ever been to concerts and festivity hook ups, it is all dandy the night before but the day after, my gosh, I just want to ghost them.  The alcohol or drugs are wearing off and I don't want to be your gf so leave me alone.   

[DuMa]

Duma,

I'm not really sure what you did is considered ghosting. More like modern dating and hookups.

I will give you a pass though. At least you did not string along these women like you are a commitment type of guy and sell them snake oil that you are a decent man still trying to find himself a wife. These women knew exactly what type of guy you were so I think they got their money's worth with you.

My definition of ghosting and dating coach's definition of ghosting are totally different.  To me, any non closure agreement in a relationship is ghosting.  Even if I ditch my guy friends without a closure is considered ghosting.  Ever heard the term, "I'm not here for a long time but for a good time"  I already said it many times that I break hmong women hearts but with the intention that they go and marry themselves a hmong guy.  I mean at least they can say that they had a chance with a viet guy and finally found what nature intended her to be with and that is a hmong guy.  However, they also say that if you play it long enough, you are going to slip somehow and so my fate will end up with a hmong woman.  It is what it is.   

[Believe_N_Me]

My definition of ghosting is like the link that you posted. I, myself, have married on guys but I never considered myself in relationship with them. Therefore, I did not ghost them. Ghosting is when you are in a relationship or have started a relationship, and I don't mean the kind where it's all about convenience. I mean the kind where one pursues the other with intentions of resulting in a full commitment, such as marriage.

In modern dating, if you two start spending time together and sleeping together because you happened to be available at the same time and neither are motivated to put effort into meeting new people - that is a relationship of convenience. These relationships usually start out because you're already familiar with each other. Maybe you're coworkers, hang out in the same social circle, share mutual family members, etc. You got too lazy or too tired of the dating process. You're not super attracted to each other but you don't mind sleeping with each other so you start doing things together. You start accompanying each other to family and public events. You already know each other's family so you start attending family gatherings, etc. RELATIONSHIP OF CONVENIENCE BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO EACH OTHER FOR SEX AND COMPANIONSHIP.

These friends with benefits can go on forever and seem like a marriage.

However, if you start seeing other people it's not a huge violation either because you're only each other's default to get through dry cycles.

[Believe_N_Me]

I do agree with you though. Men who tend to ghost a lot have a default girlfriend.

This is their friend with benefit gal and someone whom he's known for a long time before they even started sleeping together.

A lot of you older singles, especially the men, have this kind of arrangement and it's why you can't find or cultivate a healthy relationship. If your new gal places expectations then you dump her because you know the default gal will take you in.

The dating scene for older singles is very bleak. Everyone out there is so jaded or already has a friend with benefit. Nobody seems to be looking for a real commitment.

[DuMa]

My definition of ghosting is like the link that you posted. I, myself, have married on guys but I never considered myself in relationship with them. Therefore, I did not ghost them. Ghosting is when you are in a relationship or have started a relationship, and I don't mean the kind where it's all about convenience. I mean the kind where one pursues the other with intentions of resulting in a full commitment, such as marriage.

In modern dating, if you two start spending time together and sleeping together because you happened to be available at the same time and neither are motivated to put effort into meeting new people - that is a relationship of convenience. These relationships usually start out because you're already familiar with each other. Maybe you're coworkers, hang out in the same social circle, share mutual family members, etc. You got too lazy or too tired of the dating process. You're not super attracted to each other but you don't mind sleeping with each other so you start doing things together. You start accompanying each other to family and public events. You already know each other's family so you start attending family gatherings, etc. RELATIONSHIP OF CONVENIENCE BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO EACH OTHER FOR SEX AND COMPANIONSHIP.

These friends with benefits can go on forever and seem like a marriage.

However, if you start seeing other people it's not a huge violation either because you're only each other's default to get through dry cycles.

Think in terms of employment.  If I'm a new employee and been working with your company for 3 months and all of a sudden, I do a no call, no show, ghosting, what would be the policy to retain my job?  Maybe I got into a bad accident and could not call in or maybe I really just moved on and left without letting anyone know.  Now take the dedicated employee, the top of the class, been with the company for a long amount of time in terms of years and I also did a no call, no show. 

My example demonstrated that ghosting, whether early in the relationship vs one that drags on to the engagement part and still ghosted you, it is still ghosting and it still hurts the same.  There are questions that I needed to provide for my disappearance and you are not getting it. 

But I'll just go with your definition because you guys are letting me off the hook.  I never ghosted anyone because I did lead them on but ended up ghosting and go hiding away in California while these midwest hmong females are crying their eyes out over a guy that is cold and heartless like ice. 

Your definition of friend's with benefit is off.  IF it is such a relationship then it goes both ways and whoever ghosted will and should not hurt the other party.  Temporary fix like you say until they find their one true love to get marry to.  Ghosting is like a deception.  Leading the horse to the water but one party is not drinking it. 

[DuMa]

I do agree with you though. Men who tend to ghost a lot have a default girlfriend.

This is their friend with benefit gal and someone whom he's known for a long time before they even started sleeping together.

A lot of you older singles, especially the men, have this kind of arrangement and it's why you can't find or cultivate a healthy relationship. If your new gal places expectations then you dump her because you know the default gal will take you in.

The dating scene for older singles is very bleak. Everyone out there is so jaded or already has a friend with benefit. Nobody seems to be looking for a real commitment.

I like how you say that the gal raises a red flag when they expected more out of the relationship.  This one gal was literally crazy all over me.  A fling? I don't know but whenever her parents would leave for work, she would called me up and I would run to her for some fun.  As soon as I enters her door, she was all over me like the movies and we would be making out and tearing each other's clothing apart and taking turns rolling around the walls until we ended up in her bed. 

Now with this one, I did my best but I was a young broke college student.  I gave her enough but she wanted it more.  She wanted the whole limelight, wine and dine and romantic stuff she sees on TV.  One day, she came to my apartment just to give me my boxer that I left behind.  I took it as a diss and I ghosted her.  Changed my numbers and all.  I can't be with someone who expectation was off the chart like that.  She ended up dating an older white guy after that and a few years after, she ended up with a china looking man.  That was years ago so I stopped keeping tab on her. 

Another one I ghosted because she called me up and said she think she was pregnant.  Got me all worried and ish.  I was in line at a hot club and she called me and it threw my night.  A week thereafter, she said false alarm.  I ghosted her after that.   I got out of there in a quickness.  I just don't like the liability issue.  Young and dumb I'm telling you. 

What I am saying is ghosting is an act that men perform when they are under stress.  If they have that other woman and feels the stress that he will get caught for being a cheater, he will ghost and end it all.  Both of my example proves that I was under duress.  Like dropping a college course with or with a W, that big weight off your shoulder feeling.  Yeah, that is what ghosting feels like.  Better than orgasm at times   

[P90xbox]

women: what's the point? we're just dating, not even dating, just seeing, you know what, we just talk to each other-we're not in anything exclusive...

men: I didn't know or think you were serious about me....

 

exclusive relationships is different though..

courting, dating, talking, seeing---I get ghosted and ghost all the time in the past..

serious relationship--only a few in my life...Only one where I had to break her heart...becaus e I found out she use to date gangsters...lo ls...i think she knew the reason and she was bitter towards me for a long time...but last time we bump into each other, she was in very good spirits and introduce her husband to me...He gave me a weird look and didn't really wanna shake my hand...so Im assuming he knew..lols

but serious relationships, or the more serious ones...I should say...I never ghosted...if anything, we remain  friends with something else...lmao j/k