Alrighty folks, now back to my story of how, when, and why to all that other good stuffs about how I beat mental health issues.
Eversince I can remember, 2 years old, 3 years old, I was a very quiet and mellow out kid..Or Infant..My mother use to always say, when I was still in her womb, I was so well behaved that she thought I was going to be a girl. LOLS. But on a serious note, she was worry if I was going to be healthy. Said I don't kick her belly, I don't move around much at all..
So in a way, I think mental illness definitely has something to do with heredity. I have several relatives from my mother's side who are either uhh let's just say "not quite all there"...haha
Long story short..I grew up all the way til High school-ish..And everyone just knew me as the quiet guy. I honestly didn't even think I was that quiet, but people insist I'm the quietest person they met. The first incident when I realize that okay maybe I really am quiet was sometime back in 5th grade. Every quarter or trimester, the teacher would move us all to different seats for the quarter. So it wasn't like two best friends got to sit next to each other the whole school year, or two people who didn't get along, somehow are force to get along...lols. The thing is, this teacher would forget about me everytime she rearrange the seatings. So I would be the last kid standing wondering where's my new seat? lols Onto 6th grade, a new teacher, yet, same thing happen when it was time to get a new seating..lols
during this time, it was in the middle-late 90's. Hmong gangs were on the rise, and I saw many of my friends enter that life..or somehow affiliated with it..middle school came, and My parents opted to send me to the middle school 40 minutes away over the one 10 minutes away. haha Now I'm really lost. I grew up with many Hmong peers all my life, now I'm one of the very few asians and maybe one of 2 of the Hmong at school...lols
high school came, and I reunited with some of my old friends from elementary. Only many of them didn't want to be friends anymore. I was a nerd, school boy, and they were badasses and gangsters...I wasn't cool enough to hang out with them no more. So I took it hard..but now I think of it, it happened for the best...lols
after high school, I work odd jobs, struggling to hold onto any for more than 6 months..lols couldn't set in a college classroom for more then 30 minutes...so I was jobless, schoolless, and nobody wanted anything to do with me...
I knew that if I was ever going to make it through life, I was gonna either have to start somewhere fresh, or form my own triad or mafia..lols j.k.
I was that kid that turned bad, really bad after high school...all the while all my gangster friends during high school were turning their life around..lols.. Those who still wanted to live that life, eventually wanted to be friends or homies..but problem arose when I already became affiliated with their rival gang given the fact that some of my cousins were in that gang to begin with...lols
don't worry folks, we're all cool and at peace now..we even have bbq's and they always joke about the time they knock each other's teeths out, or shat in their pants while getting punch in the stomach..etc.. .lols
so yeah, after that...I kind of started to withdrew from everyone I knew..and i realize then, being a loner is the best way to live...haha no outside influence, no trying to fit in, no shit if someone wants to be cool or not...I wasn't officially a gang member, but I was consider high rank..lols so you know when you're high rank in a Hmong gang so to speak, you walk out when you feellike its your time.....lols
don't worry folks, these gangs no longer exist..these gangs were small time gangs..even before white tiger and MOD was born...lols I wont say what gang, because honestly you guys will laugh your ass off at the gang name. LOLS
long story short..that's how I develop I believe some serious depression during my early 20's...low self esteem, to feeling guuilt beating people up to getting beat up sometimes..lol smostly won all my fights though..only lost when i got jump and caught off guard..lols
so after all this, you try to change...you go back to college, and the guy next to you has no idea what you been through..maybe they been through worse, maybe they never knew the things I gone through exists because they were so shelter, and to say the least, those gangster days died down dramatically.. ..lols
so yeah...the biggest thing people would say to me back then when I told them I need their help. They would say I can't help you if you don't help yourself....th e probelme here is this folks....I need you to help me to HELP MYSELF...that's where there's a big misunderstandi ng comes from, those who never gone through mental health issues, they don't understand that when someone who is going through mental health issues is when they finally seek help, its because they cannot help themselves anymore....and the sad truth is....there's only very few outcomes...the y take their own, they live a broken life for life, or like me, they keep fighting, keep preservering, and if they die, they die...but not without a fight...
I fought, and I was bless...I became really good at hustling, had a few businesses, made a ton of friends...even when I didn't want to...people just naturally become drawn to you..haha and it's not because Im cool as heck...it's because im genuine, i help people and expect nothing in return...and that's how I killed the demon that's been plaguing me all my life...I refuse to let him make me think, Im no good, im just a burden to everyone, that I should just kill myself....I said, Im going to make you swallow your own tongue some day...and when that day came...I never look back.....hahah
Topic: The Not so private Diary of JonniJacco (Read 7805 times)