https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yezIyGPJXlc&t=803sIf you decide that an avoidant is your person and you want to stick with them, just know that they can discard you at any given time depending on what triggers them because they have an attachment disorder. The trigger can be as small as expecting them contribute around the house. Basically, anything that can appear as a means to control them or pushing them into a romantically committed relationship.
You really have to be okay being in a friends with benefits situationship in order to keep them coming back around because the avoidant will be in and out a lot. Sometimes it will appear as though they're in a romantic relationship with you, but mostly they will behave like it's casual because they have a severe need to feel in control of their independence. Don't be surprised if they frequently share stories about the other women they've been with because they mostly view you as a friend whom they can get a female perspective from. It's also a strategy that blocks romantic feelings from developing.
After awhile, they will often withhold sex because this creates distance and sets low expectations so that you won't get the impression the relationship is serious or growing deeper. You'll even notice that once you've moved on to having your own life - even dating someone else - they will start to feel sexual desire towards you because you have to remember they feel safer when you're unavailable to them. Plus, if they are able to get with you, they feel validated as though you chose them over your other suitors. Avoidants have issues with self-worth, and crave to be desired but have a great fear of rejection at the same time. This was caused by childhood trauma where their primary caregiver neglected them OR their first experience with a romantic partner was really abusive. They developed a fear of intimacy and concluded that they can't trust anybody.
You might even notice that they have a lot of really close connections with married women, and female colleagues. (This can apply to avoidant women but according to therapists, avoidants are typically men). This is because they are engaging in emotional affairs for stimulation with unavailable people. You have to remember that avoidant men are masters at being charismatic and appearing like the perfect partner. They're really good listeners so women going through rough situationships/relationships find them to be healing. Avoidant men are highly likely to cheat because an affair is stimulating while the secrecy of it means they don't have to hold any accountability
. The married women/female colleague can't call him out because he'll always use her situation as the reason why he can't put forth more effort.
So again, a friend with benefits situationship is best for an avoidant and for YOU because as a friend, you might not feel as rejected or hurt by the avoidant's behavior pattern. As only a friend, you probably have an entirely independent life apart from him. You won't take his actions so personally because you won't expect him to meet the expectations of a fully committed romantic partner. You'll have a friend in him first, and that's why he stays with you for the long haul. At the end of the day, the avoidant still has needs and desires to have a ride or die partner. Someone he can come home to, depend on for resources, help him with the mundane things in daily life, etc. But he just doesn't want to be married, romantically tied or be in an obligatory commitment to that partner.
Topic: Avoidants thrive in a Friends With Benefits Situationship (Read 104 times)