A man who makes a woman wait for years before he'll marry her...

[Believe_N_Me]

...is making sure that he has all the power in the relationship.

That is all it is.

The women in this kind of dynamic have been groomed to be codependent since the men who do this tend to have stronger narcissistic traits. The man knows that at this point he can do pretty much anything and get away with it. I'm not even talking about cheating. I'm talking about emotional manipulation using such tactics as: stonewalling, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, and silent treatment. These are all displays of abuse.

Men who do this also tend to have a history of rocky relationships whether the ex was initially toxic or became that way during the course of the relationship due to his hot and cold behavior. Again, this behavior is a test to see how much she'll put up with.
 

[Believe_N_Me]

There are women who do this too and also for the same reason. It's about power.

"If I can keep you interested, invested, and chasing me without ever having to fully commit to you, then it means that I have the power to control you. And I don't want to be in a marriage unless I can control my spouse. Because I don't want to feel emotionally vulnerable and fear that they might divorce me."

A marriage from this type of dynamic is always one-sided because one person has been trained to be the codependent partner. What basically happens is that the more narcissistic partner will use the excuse, "I want to work on my career, myself, etc. I don't have time to be in a fully committed marriage with you, but I'm open to playing house. And if things don't sour too much between us, I'll consider marrying you."

Since the more anxious partner is in love with the potential of the relationship, they latch on. Anxious people tend to have lower self-esteem so they fall for the more narcissistic person's lovebombs, future faking, and delusions of a happy pairing. In addition, narcissists are masters at selling themselves to be the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend who will become the perfect husband/wife. That's the whole reason for the lovebombing phase where they're extremely attentive, helpful, showing grand gestures - the kind of behavior that is usually exhibited only when in a fully committed relationship. They're marketing themselves. "This is how it will feel to be in a commitment with me, if I choose you."

The anxious person is sold! They become addicted to this potential future. Meanwhile, the narcissistic person always keep their options open.

If the anxious partner passes the test during the grooming stage by not demanding too much or becoming too overwhelming to the more narcissistic partner, then that's when a marriage could happen. But most often than not a breakup will always happen. The anxiety becomes too much, triggering the anxious partner to become more and more jealous, insecure, and "problematic". But remember, they don't become that way all on their own. The more narcissistic person orchestrates that by using push and pull, hot and cold, energy.
The anxious person's tantrums will be the perfect excuse for the narcissistic partner to end the situationship. They realize that their goal of having a one-sided relationship where they have all the power will not be possible with this person and therefore, they need to move on from this "crazy, toxic" being.

[Believe_N_Me]

...continue...

Honestly, unless you and your person are teenagers, there is no reason to delay your union year after year. Whatever obstacles stand in the way, as adults you work out the logistics. That is actually part of the "building a life together". It helps deepen your bond. But if your person is filled with excuses, then they just might not be interested in you that way OR they don't sense that you've passed the grooming phase where they need to feel certain that you're used to their ways, which is often very narcissistic and avoidance.

So even if you end up married to them, it will be very one-sided. You'll find that they have to get their way most of the time OR they'll give the silent treatment, which is a form of abuse. They may withhold sex, go cold, prioritize everything and everybody over you. Work and family is what they like to use because if you complain then you look like the bad guy.

I've had family, friends, and colleagues in this situationship and it never bodes well. Again, if the situationship doesn't end first and there is a marriage , it will be very one-sided.

[Believe_N_Me]

A friend was in this type of situationship for 10+ years. Towards the end she gave him an ultimatum. I advised her that even if he gave in, did she really want to start a marriage that way? She found the courage to move on and met someone who wanted the same thing as she did out of life. She never looked back and is living a happy life for the past 10 years and counting.

Recently, I found out that her ex is dating a gal who used to frequent PH. She seems happy for now, but the guy is still the same. But who knows, this new gal may not want anything too committal just yet because it looks like she's going through a healing stage.