Is it as black and white as science though??

[theking]

Scientists say this is the reason some relationships flourish and others flop
The search for a formula to explain why some relationships flourish and others fall apart has taken many forms. Today, that framework is known as attachment theory. Across TikTok, users invoke labels such as "anxious," "avoidant" and "secure" to explain why they fall in love, fight and walk away from their personal connections.

But Amir Levine, the psychiatrist who helped popularize the concept 15 years ago, says much of the public conversation about attachment styles has drifted away from the science. Attachment styles - which shape how people relate to romantic partners, family members, friends and others - are neither personality types nor destinies, he said. In reality, Levine argues, they are patterns that can vary across relationships and evolve over time.

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"They change and morph based on our life experience and who we have in our lives," Levine said. "They constantly get updated."

Levine, now an associate professor at Columbia University, arrived at the subject by way of his own heartbreak. In his late 30s, while completing his psychiatry training in a nursery where mothers recovering from trauma were learning to build more secure relationships with their children, his own romantic relationship unexpectedly fell apart.

One night, while he was up plowing through the long list of readings for his coursework, he came across the literature on adult attachment styles outlining how people tend to approach relationships in one of four broad patterns.

Securely attached people generally trust others and feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness but worry about rejection or abandonment.

Avoidant individuals tend to prize self-reliance and keep an emotional distance, even from those they love.

And people with a disorganized attachment style may swing between seeking connection and pushing it away, reflecting conflicting expectations about whether relationships are a source of comfort or danger.

"I was going through a breakup and all of a sudden a lightbulb went off and it helped me understand in a more nuanced way what didn't work out in the relationship and why," Levine recalled.

Studies have shown that the key to the success of a relationship is security - because trust, emotional safety and confidence in each other create the foundation for honest communication, deeper intimacy and lasting commitment.

Levine said that learning about attachment styles helped him gain perspective: "That people love differently and that people have different preferences to closeness and that's okay."

The idea inspired Levine to write "Attached" (co-written with a high school friend Rachel S. F. Heller), which became an unlikely hit after its 2010 release. The book has since sold more than 3 million copies worldwide, been translated into more than 40 languages and helped make terms like "anxious" and "avoidant" part of the everyday vocabulary of modern dating.

But as attachment theory spread from psychology clinics to podcasts and dating apps, Levine watched its core ideas become increasingly simplified - and, in some cases, distorted.

Here are some of the biggest misconceptions Levine says have taken hold - and what the latest research actually suggests instead.

It's not just about romantic relationships
You may have a different attachment style to, say, your boss, than to your spouse - or your pet.

To help patients understand their own patterns, he developed brief, relationship-specific quizzes that create a topographical map of how individuals relate to different people in their lives, recognizing that a person may feel secure with one individual and anxious or avoidant with another.

Each quiz asks participants to rate how strongly they agree or disagree with 10 statements on a seven-point scale:

It helps to turn to my partner in times of need.

I usually discuss my problems and concerns with my partner.

I worry that my partner won't care about me as much as I care about them.

Levine said his parents are both deceased but that his relationship with his sister, partner and his dog, Charlie, are secure.

However, with one of his friends, Levine said, "I lean anxious, but I am still within the secure quadrant."

He said his work has helped him shift his attachment patterns more positively over time.

Your parents aren't to blame for everything
The common understanding of attachment theory is that the relationships we form with caregivers early in life help shape how we seek closeness, safety and connection as adults.

But a new paper led by Keely Dugan, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Missouri, found that both early relationships with parents and childhood friends leave lasting marks - but not in quite the same way. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study, which was published in 2025, followed 705 people and their families starting in the 1990s.

Dugan said in an email that people's early experiences with their mothers influenced their overall approach to close relationships in adulthood, while "early friendships were especially strongly associated with how people approached friendships and romantic relationships later in life."

But attachment styles aren't just about your early life. There's evidence that adult relationships continue to shape attachment throughout someone's life. Secure partners can increase security, while those that engage in betrayal, abuse or loss can decrease security.

As R. Chris Fraley, a professor of psychology at the University of Illinois, wrote in a paper in the 2019 Annual Review of Psychology, "Many people, despite having supportive caregiving experiences, are insecure in their adult relationships. Similarly, many other people, despite having less-than-ideal caregiving experiences, are relatively secure as adults."

One secure partner may be enough
People who are dating sometimes blame an anxious partner for blowing up the relationship. But Levine says that research tells a more hopeful story - that a secure relationship of any kind doesn't necessarily require two perfectly secure people.

One secure person's consistent responsiveness, reliability and emotional availability can help foster a more secure dynamic for both over time.

While that doesn't mean a secure partner can rescue or "fix" an unhealthy relationship, Levine said, a single person does have the power to begin shifting the relationship in a healthier direction.

It's not just big events that matter
"People go to therapy, they talk about things happened to me in childhood or the big difficult things that have happened, and I'm not saying those are not important," Levine said. "But people hardly think about the everyday small interactions, which matter a lot to the brain."

He describes the brain as "a social reappraisal system," perpetually scanning its environment for evidence of belonging or exclusion and recalibrating our sense of safety accordingly. Even seemingly minor moments of rejection, Levine said, can subtly erode a person's feeling of security.

The examples he offers are almost mundane: a 5-year-old whose classmates won't play with them one afternoon, or an older adult in a retirement community whose peers leave them out of a Mahjong game. To the brain, these moments are not trivial. Each becomes another data point in an ongoing calculation about whether we are accepted, protected and connected.

You can change your attachment style
Attachment styles reflect expectations and behaviors that can shift over time. While longitudinal studies show that they often endure, they are not permanent.

Levine's recent research has focused on how to create a more secure mindset.

He said to do that people need to focus on what he calls CARRP: Being consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable.

"You want to be that way and have other people in your life be that way," he said.

Recently, Levine said he got very busy and neglected to respond to multiple texts from a friend, and that in the past this type of issue might have snowballed into a fight with his friend being upset and Levine being defensive. Instead, the friend, who is familiar with Levine's work, reached out to ask why he was "off his CARRP game." Levine immediately apologized.

The change isn't merely emotional. Neuroscientist s have found that the brain remains plastic throughout adulthood, meaning repeated experiences of security can reshape the neural circuits that govern fear, trust and emotional regulation. In time, what once felt threatening can begin to feel like home.

"If you create more secure relationships even the structure of our brain can change," he said.

After years of trial, growth and learning, he says understanding that one concept transformed not just how he loved - but who he chose to love.

"I've been with my partner now 12 to 13 years," he said. "Learning about attachment styles helped me find a more secure partner and helped me navigate the relationship better."