an Ode to trancEformErs

[bootee]

if luther doesn't let me ride with him to SF to see Aly & Fila i'm gonna go do my tattoo today and then drive home to Merced. lol

[(gigolow)]

its weird? ive been listening to other music other than trance. or edm. yeah...weird! totally! you know? like slow stuff. acoustic guitars. classical music. and alternative music. music that will keep my HYPERNESS down.  

[bootee]

yea, i've been listening to the radio a lot. not just hip hop.
pop rock alternative and so on ..

[(gigolow)]

i feel like a caged animal @ my other brothers house. but its good for me. restricted from many things that i am used to. my own bed. my pc. my car. my life. its actually calm for once as loud as my brothers house can be and can get. i find myself @ peace. day 5 of being sober. ive never gone past 3 days w.out a drop of alcohol in my system. it feels great, honestly. i was telling chick i avg. 8 beers a night and thats not including liquor on the weekends. im not a drunk im just an alcohol abuser. big difference. but same difference. i find myself doing alot of meditating lately. i finally have scored over 80 on an exam today. 86 to be exact. ive been averaging 74 lately. i find my thoughts are finally more concentrated in my life. 6 more weeks to go. 3 more things to finish within 6 weeks b4 i do my externship. i just pray my DUI doesnt effect my EXTERNSHIP cause they do background check. things are falling slowly into place...but its like level 1 of tetris. its to slow but, slow is good. it lets me reflect on what i did and where i need to be again.

 

[bootee]

so, are you staying in this weekend too?
man, if i don't get to go to aly & fila ..i'm gonna go to Fresno for this little thing. LOL!!!
i asked mike and them and they didn't know about it so they spread the word and it seems
like everybody is going now. 

[(gigolow)]

im going to be staying in every weekend from here on out. relax my mind a bit.  do other shiet besides the club and drinking. saturdays my brother and i are going to work on the houses he bought. fix them up. stuff like that. i owe him my time. he bailed my a.ss outta this one.

[bootee]

that's good.



i swear that old hmong guy that works with me ..annoys me sometimes.
i tell him to do one thing ..he walks away and i'm thinking he's gonna do it.
and then he comes back to me and repeats everything i told him to do.
i'm like "dude, i need you to do this now. put down the coffee." ..lol

[(gigolow)]

note to boss: fire old hmoob dude and put the coffee down! lol

friday nite?! guess its family movie night with my brother and his kids! i hope theres something good to watch. man im starting to become a boring persona and its only been 5 days! 

[bootee]

its not called boring.

i do that all the time with my family when i go back home. that's why i get to watch all these
movies that aren't even out yet. lol ..otherwise i'd be behind. now, in Sac ..that's where i don't
do jack shit. don't watch anything either ...ahahaha!!

[bootee]

maybe i am boring.  lol

[(gigolow)]

i dont know tee? i just dont function well with family functions. i mean? everybody in my family is married with children. im single. im the youngest. i just do as i please. i dont worry about nothing else. its just not family functions. its friends too. like sometimes i dont pick up calls. sometimes i just wannabe alone. i feel like this loner in life. not cause i want to be but i dont know.........i just have a hard time receiving LOVE from people. it makes me UNeasy i shy away from it. but help, i love the help its the LOVE that im like ugh about. why? i dont know. maybe cause i dont KNOW what LOVE is. 

[bootee]

ahaha.


You'll get use to it. Before my baby sister came back to live with my parents ..that's how I was.
Everybody around me was married. It was just me and my baby brother. so we did everything
together. LOL!! I mean, hello? We went shopping together. ahaha!!
But I like being around the family ..Even if they're married. Maybe its because I live away from
home. My Dad calls me every Friday to see if I'm coming home or not. Hell, my baby brother
calls me in the middle of the week to see if I'm coming home. lol

You'll get use to it. And you won't hate it.

[(gigolow)]

oh i dont hate it. nor will i. i love being uncle douly. its just that........it makes me feel like i NEED family! of my own?! you know?! it makes my father time clock tick tick tick tick tick and well you know tick some more! it makes me reflect on how many times i have failed a relationship because i am to selfish and to unware of what it took or takes to make a relationship succeed. whenever i thought things were going wrong i would accelerate vs pumping the brakes to slow things down. now im slowly learning that its vice versa. its like amy said "douly you are a very loveable person its just...you dont know how to love yourself" and im sure you have said that to me, many many times. and i guess? i am starting to love myself, for once. and not worrying about disappointing other people but satisyfing myself, first and foremost. oh the anxiety of it all......

[bootee]

i don't think about that.

well, nobody in my family tells me to rush. ahaha!! so that's great ..
i have a total of 6 nephews and 3 nieces living in and out of my parents house.
i don't want to have kids. LOL!!! well, my sister makes me not want to have kids. 

[(gigolow)]

i have 17 total. and THAT alone makes ME not want to have kids as well. my brother has a SON IN LAW!!! and my brother is only 39!!! yeah i keep avoiding the fact that i DO NOT need a relationship but i think its due time to put myself back on the market. ive been stubborn since 2005 ( my last relationship ). its time for me to let go of my personal vendetta in life.