The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

[DuMa]

then you should release some steam in vegas

april 7th and 8th flying back 9th 

in vegas we trust   

your relationship drama is off the chart.  Woo, glad I'm not that worse....

[Rebel]

There were hundreds of times I could of called the police on him. I never did. Mostly bc of fear, I get so paralyze by it that my mind and body/my whole world around me would shut down; feeling beat, I retreat...He’d warned me if I ever put him in jail, he will come out and hunt down everyone I know and get me.

“I will make your death look like it was an accident. When they find you, they will think that you’ve committed suicide...its not a threat, its a warning” he alway say this to me.

[Rebel]

then you should release some steam in vegas

april 7th and 8th flying back 9th 

in vegas we trust   

your relationship drama is off the chart.  Woo, glad I'm not that worse....

Shut up lol

[DuMa]

Shut up lol

good

I will now party harder and party for 2

Eff relationship.  Single for life or  until I knock someone up.  Old ancient ritual 

[Rebel]

I babysat my niece....

“Auntie, have you ever been bullied in school?”

I had to think for a second.

“Yeah, actually I have. It’s a boy that went to elementary school with me. Our teachers always put us together bc she keeps the student lined up in alphabetical order, so during field trips and school events  we were always stuck together...he always found ways to pick on me”

“Was he the only bully?

“There was a Laotian boy... but  he only picked on me sometimes on the bus....But when we go tto middle school we all became friends”

“You can’t be friends with a bully”

Yes you can... bc you grow up and things change, no one wants to be mean anymore”

“Have you ever been bullied?” I asked her

“Yeah but it’s a girl, last year in Mrs. XXXX class”

“Well if anyone ever messes with you, you have the right to punch them in the face and it’s ok.”

I lift my left fist up to my nose. She laughed.

So after we had this conversation, I got curious. Whatever the duck happened to XXXXX?

I knew he was a cop...There was a clip of his body cam video that made it to the internet. I won’t say why it was there but his voice still sounds the same with the same ****y tone. I think he got in trouble more for being cocky than he was trying to harassing someone lol A movie was made of him and his teammates many years ago when he used to play some professional sport....

The famous actor who played him as the main character said something along the line that he’s never meet such a XXXXXXXX  player...

He was the biggest bully in my life when we were kids. In middle school we developed a crush on each other! If I could pick one person from my past to see, it would be him.

[Rebel]

Sometimes people tell me their secrets that stay bothered in my mind. The kind you take to the grave with that shocks you so bad you wish it was never told to you bc it actually gives you nightmares.

The shock turns to anger, and the anger makes you want to take action. Then you realized the worst punishment is the punishment from God...

[Rebel]

I feel like a hostage. How did I get myself here? All I need to do is walk away and block him, and that’s how the game ends. My heart can’t seem to do that bc he hasn’t done anything horribly wrong to me. I feel weak every time  he convince me to stay, so I stay when I know I deserve better. Does he not know that keeping the relationship is only killing us both.  We need to let go. We need to move on.

“Stop trying to convince me to stay. We don’t need to continue this..go live your life and be with who you want to be with” i said to him.

“I don’t want to end this, I love spending my time with you, we get along so well, we always have fun. Your my best friend. I’m not willing nor am I ready to say goodbye, I never will...”

“Your  hurting me by hanging on...your selfish. Do you ever wonder if something wrong here?? Are you trying to make me a fool by pretending you want something when you don’t”

He got really emotional. I can hear his voice cracking and breaking...It was incredibly hard to understand what he was saying. And he was trying to get off the phone, but I wouldn’t let him go. We needed to talk through this and end it.  What annoys me the most is that he won’t say the words. He never even utter a sound about breaking up...so do I have to go bat shit crazy for him to tell me it’s over? Am I not using the right words? Is it bc I do love him too that when he convinces me to stay, I see a glimmer of hope and so I fall back?

“I’ll call you, I’ll text you, I’ll send you pictures and I’ll let you know what I’m doing when I’m out there...”

“Your always leaving...just let go already...stop coming back to me...I won’t ask you to give me an explanation... i don’t care for a closure anymore... I’m not begging for your time or your love, that shits beneath me, I was just asking for a closure..but yeah, I don’t even want it anymore”

I felt numb but tears streamed down my face.

“I will not bc I can’t...When I get home, I’ll call you and I’m gonna take you out, I still owe you dinner....” he said in shaking and breaking voice that made me cried a little inside.

Prolonging the relationship is only more painful.  Is he expecting me to always be there? Is he so used to having me around that he knows no matter where he goes in the world or how long he’s gone, I will still be around? Well , one day I won’t be there... one day he’ll look for me and I’ll be gone. One day he’ll try to find me And it would be like I never existed...

Why are we both struggling with this? I don’t need his permission to leave... but How can you walk from someone you’ve know this long and had this kind of relationship with And not give each other a proper goodbye?

I’m trying to understand and sometimes wonder if I’m blind and not seeing something here. 1+1 will always equal 2, I keep telling myself. 1+1 can’t be 8...

But I think sometimes we stay bc there’s this thing that feels unfinished about our relationship. Like we haven’t fully explore what’s there and haven’t given the relationship a real honest chance to be something great, to reach its potential. And he knows he’s not giving me the best of him and I’m not either. But if we did, it would probably be really amazing and it’s scary. The thought of leaving something unfinished is sad and incomplete. I think that’s what’s causing it to be so hard, he gets emotional about it and avoids it, I like to talk about it and find a way to end it. But even that’s not enough to even make me stay...

He wanted to meet up today so we can have a serious talk.
“These are things we need to talk face to face” he said to me.
“No... it’s pointless to meet up when we can just say it on the phone, I don’t see a reason to meet up for it...”

The truth is I’m not going to meet with him. I’m not going to go see him and I will make sure that last time we saw each other will be the last time he’ll ever see my face. Ok i say a lot of shit but Im not that strong yet...lol

I have a life to live and don’t have time for this. But why do men hang on and don’t let go even when it seems like the relationship had ran it’s course...even when the other is not happy anymore? Even when they have hordes of girls chasing them...even when you haven’t put much effort in... etc it just doesn’t make sense to me... Bc had it been another person, they would go already left and broken up and accepted the end of the relationship.

[Rebel]

First time he flaked out on me the last minute for our lunch date and he knew it would piss me off, but he also know that I’m passive like that bc I hate making a big fuss over shit. I always let shit go bc I simply don’t want to deal with it. It’s better to piss me off than to meet me and have me end the damn thing. He was sweating on the phone, apologizing, tripping over words to find a good enough excuse to say to me why we can’t meet up wow...very unlike him.

He knows when I get there, I will say my last goodbye. I will tell him to move the hell on. And he will have no choice this time but to go with what I say.

He always keeps stalling me, will try to get off the phone to avoid me having these serious conversations with me. Will distract me with other things...will convince me that he will meet me in the middle and find a compromise and don’t want things to end.

So I don’t understand why...

Does he want me just slowly end it and fade from each others life without a closure?

Does he think I don’t deserve a goodbye?

Is he trying to piss me off so I can just give up and move on?

I already have in some ways...He just won’t let go, keep messaging me, keep asking me out. Keeps reaching out.... I’ve told him to stop reaching out:..and my last resort is to block him but I can’t block him with out that closure....why do I want that closure so bad? 

I feel pathetic to need that closure so bad. I will let it all go but that fool keeps reaching out, making it extra hard to move the duck on...so that closure will make it official for us at least I feel like that.

And yeah while trying to post this he’s calling and texting for me to go out...omg for reals. Diner at 6 he texted bc I won’t reply back to his message...

[DuMa]

First time he flaked out on me the last minute for our lunch date and he knew it would piss me off, but he also know that I’m passive like that bc I hate making a big fuss over shit. I always let shit go bc I simply don’t want to deal with it. It’s better to piss me off than to meet me and have me end the damn thing. He was sweating on the phone, apologizing, tripping over words to find a good enough excuse to say to me why we can’t meet up wow...very unlike him.

He knows when I get there, I will say my last goodbye. I will tell him to move the hell on. And he will have no choice this time but to go with what I say.

He always keeps stalling me, will try to get off the phone to avoid me having these serious conversations with me. Will distract me with other things...will convince me that he will meet me in the middle and find a compromise and don’t want things to end.

So I don’t understand why...

Does he want me just slowly end it and fade from each others life without a closure?

Does he think I don’t deserve a goodbye?

Is he trying to piss me off so I can just give up and move on?

I already have in some ways...He just won’t let go, keep messaging me, keep asking me out. Keeps reaching out.... I’ve told him to stop reaching out:..and my last resort is to block him but I can’t block him with out that closure....why do I want that closure so bad? 

I feel pathetic to need that closure so bad. I will let it all go but that fool keeps reaching out, making it extra hard to move the duck on...so that closure will make it official for us at least I feel like that.

And yeah while trying to post this he’s calling and texting for me to go out...omg for reals. Diner at 6 he texted bc I won’t reply back to his message...

poocee too good to let go bra

how else can it be?   

Fool, go to vegas and enjoy yourself there.  April 7 till friday the 9th.  I'm there.  I don't need sex either cuz i'm not like your psycho mexican boyfriend.   

 

[Rebel]

poocee too good to let go bra

how else can it be?   

Fool, go to vegas and enjoy yourself there.  April 7 till friday the 9th.  I'm there.  I don't need sex either cuz i'm not like your psycho mexican boyfriend.   

Screw Vegas. I need a trashier place to be, like Amsterdam

[DuMa]

Screw Vegas. I need a trashier place to be, like Amsterdam

Screw amsterdam and your legal weed and prostitution

Why go there to mess up your life when you can do it here?  You know what?  I know of a chick who kept on posting pix of her and exotic beaches and destinations form around the world.  Hot chick like you but never a pix of her man.  The photographer is her man and smart chick knows how to get what she wants.  She travels for free and only have to give up sex per destinations.  It is only sex right?  Our body is no longer a temple.  Nothing is sacred anymore. 

Matter of fact, I would like to go back to your first entry to your journal and bring back what I once said to you.  Apply it today and see how my scary my prediction is.   

[DuMa]

Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off.   

So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around.  You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings. 

If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.

Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits.  I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session.  The habit you are talking about is just that.  Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE. 

If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself.  Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I.  I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play. 

If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out.  Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background.   

years later, say it isn't true? 

I warned ya.   

[DuMa]

This is what so different about men and women while giving advises.  Women will push for the go ahead button but men like myself will give you a concern look. 

I'm not here to ruin your fun but always take precautions.   I have done and seen so many options that could of played out and believe me, all endings are ugly.   I'm not going to stress it again.   You will have to live and learn the hard way, just like how we all have gone through "ish" and more.   

All ends ugly I said.   

[DuMa]

I tell you what.  I like to work with theories basing it upon bad science but don't hold me to it though.  This covid season is like a rebound feeling so of speak.  LIke it is hard enough to find a replacement during this time because our single social network is closed for business so what do people do?  They will hold onto anything they can "for the time being" ....  Being single and not having anyone or any outlet to stimulus the human mind sucks donkey balls.  We are not used to this crazy madness and just like the changing habits of a quarantine, we go mad crazy and wanting to break quarantine with protest and resistance. 

Not everything you hear is true such as them I love you long time or let me make a deposit in you.  In the heat of the moment, people may say some stupid things.  It is a playbook that works or perhaps a test of your will as well.  Lets try to have a baby and we do really try like for the 100th times but I'm always pulling out cuz well, I changed my mind before the nut busting job but hey, thanks for sex.   

Who got played here? 

This is why there is an old saying.. Don't give up sex until he puts a ring on it.  AT least you can keep the ring in exchange for sex.   Otherwise, you women are walking away with nothing.  Guys will walk away with good memories as you are just another statistics to the on going struggles with this whole dating game shenanigan.

What you got is a covid 2020 booty call. 

I called it.   

[DuMa]

double post