Ramblings

[Phab Ej Dao Vue]

I was just thinking about when my father passes away, if I would keep in touch with my step-mother and half-siblings?

My relationship with my step-mother is pretty much non-existent. Even though she's been in my life since I was barely 10, I don't feel any bond with her at all. She's always been distant and have never tried to get to know me. Hell, we had our first real conversation when I turned 20. Before that moment our interactions consisted of "food is ready" and "come and eat".

For much of my life I viewed her as a maid. Someone who cooked and cleaned our house, and slept with my dad and bore children. lol. She was only a couple years older than my oldest sister and she had no idea what she was doing in terms of raising children. She was still a child herself (19) when she married my father and came to the United States. I pretty much raised myself and the siblings.

I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to fix the broken pieces of my youth and I'm now at peace with my past. There's really nothing holding me back now. I've been preparing to relocate to a different part of the world seeking adventure and travel; something I really desire. I can't wait to press forward into the future even if that means leaving a lot of people from my past behind and never seeing them again.

[SamyElisabeth]

I was just thinking about when my father passes away, if I would keep in touch with my step-mother and half-siblings?

My relationship with my step-mother is pretty much non-existent. Even though she's been in my life since I was barely 10, I don't feel any bond with her at all. She's always been distant and have never tried to get to know me. Hell, we had our first real conversation when I turned 20. Before that moment our interactions consisted of "food is ready" and "come and eat".

For much of my life I viewed her as a maid. Someone who cooked and cleaned our house, and slept with my dad and bore children. lol. She was only a couple years older than my oldest sister and she had no idea what she was doing in terms of raising children. She was still a child herself (19) when she married my father and came to the United States. I pretty much raised myself and the siblings.

I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to fix the broken pieces of my youth and I'm now at peace with my past. There's really nothing holding me back now. I've been preparing to relocate to a different part of the world seeking adventure and travel; something I really desire. I can't wait to press forward into the future even if that means leaving a lot of people from my past behind and never seeing them again.

Don't leave until I come down there and watch a movie with you first. February, I promise. I just can't get away from work right now.

But about the future... I'm happy and excited for you, and I really hope you find everything you're looking for. You're overdue for an unexpected adventure! I can't wait to see where life takes you, and all the awesome things you're going to see and do.

[Phab Ej Dao Vue]

Don't leave until I come down there and watch a movie with you first. February, I promise. I just can't get away from work right now.

But about the future... I'm happy and excited for you, and I really hope you find everything you're looking for. You're overdue for an unexpected adventure! I can't wait to see where life takes you, and all the awesome things you're going to see and do.

When I move you are more than welcome to visit and thanks for the kind words. Truthfully I don't know if I can settle in one place once things are set in motion. I find the idea of serial traveling very appealing. Anyway those are long-term goals so I'm not going anywhere soon. My timeline is 1 year from now; if I'm not gone by then, punch me in the face.

[luvlylisa]

I was just thinking about when my father passes away, if I would keep in touch with my step-mother and half-siblings?

My relationship with my step-mother is pretty much non-existent. Even though she's been in my life since I was barely 10, I don't feel any bond with her at all. She's always been distant and have never tried to get to know me. Hell, we had our first real conversation when I turned 20. Before that moment our interactions consisted of "food is ready" and "come and eat".

For much of my life I viewed her as a maid. Someone who cooked and cleaned our house, and slept with my dad and bore children. lol. She was only a couple years older than my oldest sister and she had no idea what she was doing in terms of raising children. She was still a child herself (19) when she married my father and came to the United States. I pretty much raised myself and the siblings.

I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to fix the broken pieces of my youth and I'm now at peace with my past. There's really nothing holding me back now. I've been preparing to relocate to a different part of the world seeking adventure and travel; something I really desire. I can't wait to press forward into the future even if that means leaving a lot of people from my past behind and never seeing them again.

Thanks for sharing a lil part of ur story (w/ us). 

I totally can relate to you.  Though my mom is still alive (and living with me) my parents divorced a few years ago (my dad has always been and had an affair) and eventually left us for his new wife.  It was very difficult for all of us (I talk about it a lot on my blurb in here) and though we're still processing things years later and "moving on" we have no relationship with my step-mom (it's hard just calling her that).  My dad moved away to CA about a yr after he moved out (they lived on the other side of town after he left) which made it ez to "forget" and avoid them and dealing with our feelings.  When they visit (since all his family lives here still) it's still very hard and painful.  Regardless, my dad is getting older and his health isn't good as it used to be.  I know if that day was and does come...maintai ning a relationship w step-mom will be questionable.  Unlike you, I've only known of her no more than 4 years. 

Despite that, having lived abroad for a while (I studied abroad for a semester) I can honestly say I wouldn't mind picking up and leaving.  I've thought about it several times.  I was really thinking about joining the Peace Corps when I returned from abroad (and finished up my last semester of school).  However, things didn't work out that way.  I can testify that I was a happier person when I was abroad.  No stress from family and friends and though I was taking classes it wasn't the same stress here in the states.  My sense of time was more relaxed, heck, I was more relaxed.  I felt free and I could not only feel my body getting healthier (I walked a lot which was nice) but I literally felt like my grey clouds parted above me and the 16 ton backpack of crap I was carrying on my back was lifted.  I had a skip to my step and even my new found friends commented that I was a "fun" person who laughed a lot (many of the students told me that knew my laugh before they knew me).  LOL I guess.    Granted, I was homesick after the first month....no one who knew me while I was in a new world...no one who spoke my language (both Hmong and many times English as well)--you can only imagine the frustrations.  However, I had the time of my life!  Yes, I escaped daily troubles I had at home but I would never give up or trade those 5 months of genuine happiness for anything. 

No matter where you go, I'm sure you'll enjoy it and will have a great experience.  Definitely go and discover the world and who you can truly be.  There's not a day that I miss that person I lost when I came back to my cloudy stress-filled days here in the States.  I have been thinking about going back or picking up and leaving again but now that I'm older and have responsibiliti es (no s/o or family of my own, but I have my mom) it's not as ez to do.

[Phab Ej Dao Vue]

Thanks for sharing a lil part of ur story (w/ us). 

I totally can relate to you.  Though my mom is still alive (and living with me) my parents divorced a few years ago (my dad has always been and had an affair) and eventually left us for his new wife.  It was very difficult for all of us (I talk about it a lot on my blurb in here) and though we're still processing things years later and "moving on" we have no relationship with my step-mom (it's hard just calling her that).  My dad moved away to CA about a yr after he moved out (they lived on the other side of town after he left) which made it ez to "forget" and avoid them and dealing with our feelings.  When they visit (since all his family lives here still) it's still very hard and painful.  Regardless, my dad is getting older and his health isn't good as it used to be.  I know if that day was and does come...maintai ning a relationship w step-mom will be questionable.  Unlike you, I've only known of her no more than 4 years. 

Despite that, having lived abroad for a while (I studied abroad for a semester) I can honestly say I wouldn't mind picking up and leaving.  I've thought about it several times.  I was really thinking about joining the Peace Corps when I returned from abroad (and finished up my last semester of school).  However, things didn't work out that way.  I can testify that I was a happier person when I was abroad.  No stress from family and friends and though I was taking classes it wasn't the same stress here in the states.  My sense of time was more relaxed, heck, I was more relaxed.  I felt free and I could not only feel my body getting healthier (I walked a lot which was nice) but I literally felt like my grey clouds parted above me and the 16 ton backpack of crap I was carrying on my back was lifted.  I had a skip to my step and even my new found friends commented that I was a "fun" person who laughed a lot (many of the students told me that knew my laugh before they knew me).  LOL I guess.    Granted, I was homesick after the first month....no one who knew me while I was in a new world...no one who spoke my language (both Hmong and many times English as well)--you can only imagine the frustrations.  However, I had the time of my life!  Yes, I escaped daily troubles I had at home but I would never give up or trade those 5 months of genuine happiness for anything. 

No matter where you go, I'm sure you'll enjoy it and will have a great experience.  Definitely go and discover the world and who you can truly be.  There's not a day that I miss that person I lost when I came back to my cloudy stress-filled days here in the States.  I have been thinking about going back or picking up and leaving again but now that I'm older and have responsibiliti es (no s/o or family of my own, but I have my mom) it's not as ez to do.

No prob. Thank you for sharing your story too. I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel. What's done cannot be reversed and to live the same story of pain on repeat whenever he visits is not a life worth living. A change of scenery is in order! You should definitely go back to being abroad when you were at your best. I have a sister who lives overseas and the person she was when she was here and who she is now is like night and day. So happy for her.

I think that your mom would want you to be happy too even if it means leaving her. Ultimately it's our life to live and to be held back is tragic. There's always skype and facetime if you miss her. lol

Well like yourself it bugged me for a long time because I didn't have a relationship with them no matter how hard I tried. I came to accept the reality that it'll never change. I'm more grateful now for my small knit group of friends and a few of my full siblings for their unwavering support. I try to make time for people that are important to me now. Growing up, I was always in survival mode just scraping by trying to find my next meal. I didn't have time to think about nurturing relationships or birthdays and celebrating milestones. I'm in a better place in life now and thank god I got through it. I'm a better friend, a better brother, and a better son than I was before. All that's left is for me to chase my dreams of traveling full time.

[luvlylisa]

No prob. Thank you for sharing your story too. I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel. What's done cannot be reversed and to live the same story of pain on repeat whenever he visits is not a life worth living. A change of scenery is in order! You should definitely go back to being abroad when you were at your best. I have a sister who lives overseas and the person she was when she was here and who she is now is like night and day. So happy for her.

I think that your mom would want you to be happy too even if it means leaving her. Ultimately it's our life to live and to be held back is tragic. There's always skype and facetime if you miss her. lol

Well like yourself it bugged me for a long time because I didn't have a relationship with them no matter how hard I tried. I came to accept the reality that it'll never change. I'm more grateful now for my small knit group of friends and a few of my full siblings for their unwavering support. I try to make time for people that are important to me now. Growing up, I was always in survival mode just scraping by trying to find my next meal. I didn't have time to think about nurturing relationships or birthdays and celebrating milestones. I'm in a better place in life now and thank god I got through it. I'm a better friend, a better brother, and a better son than I was before. All that's left is for me to chase my dreams of traveling full time.

I got the impression that you were a cool cat but this tells me there's a lot of depth there. 

Yeah, I can leave and "find me" but I worry about my mom a lot since she's got health problems herself and since the divorce she's been not just depressed but mentally and emotionally she's in her own world.  Like my father, she is getting older and she's already going senile and loses track of everything.  I know my brother will take care and be responsible for her but being that he's younger and newly married I feel I can't leave them--not just yet. 

Glad to hear that you have family abroad though.  I'm sure your sister is indeed enjoying herself.  (Where is she to be exact?)

I can also relate in the "struggle".  I have a decent job now but I'm still scrapping by.....and now that I'm back in school I'm simply trying to balance everything let alone stay sane.  (I'm working on a paper that's due tomorrow night as we speak--ah!)  It's good to hear though that you have a good (even if it's small) group of friends who support and love you.  Honestly, that's really all you need.  Not a million friends on fb or instagram blah blah blah (n we all know fb friends rn't really friends)....but a few who will join u for a nice bowl of pho (or qhob poob non-pho luvers like me), have a drink w u while watching the superbowl, or help u move.  Anyway....ramb le away....I've got to get back to my paper; enjoy ur weekend!

[234]

When I move you are more than welcome to visit and thanks for the kind words. Truthfully I don't know if I can settle in one place once things are set in motion. I find the idea of serial traveling very appealing. Anyway those are long-term goals so I'm not going anywhere soon. My timeline is 1 year from now; if I'm not gone by then, punch me in the face.

Kam kiag...

[SamyElisabeth]

When I move you are more than welcome to visit and thanks for the kind words. Truthfully I don't know if I can settle in one place once things are set in motion. I find the idea of serial traveling very appealing. Anyway those are long-term goals so I'm not going anywhere soon. My timeline is 1 year from now; if I'm not gone by then, punch me in the face.

I promise to punch you in the face if you're still here in a year.

[lilly]

Who is this interesting "out" person?  Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.

[234]

I promise to punch you in the face if you're still here in a year.

Pub koj ua kiag.
-
Yo, out aka tou, why is you snobbing me?

[SamyElisabeth]

Pub koj ua kiag.
-
Yo, out aka tou, why is you snobbing me?

You slap one side, I'll slap the other. hehe

But seriously, I'm excited for out...... just think what kind of adventures are out there! Personally I hope he meets a traveling circus, cleans elephant poop for a whole year, meets the girl of his dreams at a circus show, then commits 6 years of his life to the circus boss who tells him one letter of her name every year until he finally has enough letters to figure out her name, which turns out to be a really generic name like Mai Lee, and then he has to scour each Hmong city for her until he finally finds her and gathers enough daffodils outside her house to make it look like he's standing in a field. And yes, this is pulled straight out from the movie "Big Fish."

[Phab Ej Dao Vue]

You gals are too silly.

--


So I was thinking it's time to declutter my life. I still have notebooks from grade school and just really old things of sentimental value. They sit in boxes and take up a lot of space. My drawers are filled with artifacts of my past. My work area is a disorganized mess too.

What do you guys do with them? Do you throw them all away or does it keep piling up?

[luvlylisa]

You gals are too silly.

--


So I was thinking it's time to declutter my life. I still have notebooks from grade school and just really old things of sentimental value. They sit in boxes and take up a lot of space. My drawers are filled with artifacts of my past. My work area is a disorganized mess too.

What do you guys do with them? Do you throw them all away or does it keep piling up?

as humans we do hold on to things w sentimental value....howev er, there does come a time when you need to look forward instead of looking back all the time.  Time to run to what awaits you instead of reliving what once was--whether it was good or bad.  In tthe end, the materialistic stuff is exactly that, stuff.  You still have memories and can always "go back" if you need that reminder of where you've been to get you where you're going. 

If you must keep something....k eep a few things, one or two key things and toss the rest.  LOL This of course is coming from the girl who has the same problem.  We just moved (yesterday was our final goodbye to my parents' house) and I had to throw out a lot of stuff. 

[Phab Ej Dao Vue]

Been awhile. 

My birthday is coming up in a day and I can't believe I'm turning 21 Where has the time gone?

Well I had written a long reflective and deep post about this milestone, but changed my mind at the last second about publishing personal things on here. I'm just very grateful to have enjoyed life despite the hardships. My mom passed away around this age and that's a reminder how precious time is.. and how lucky I am to still be alive and healthy.

It's funny to think back to what I expected out of life when I was 15, when I was 18, when I was 21, and even 26. Things certainly have not gone the way I had planned but that's why they say it's a journey and not a destination. I thought I would be married by now with children, working a traditional 9-5, and growing comfortably fat and bald. Instead I'm single with no children(that I know of lol) and I own this rad business which gives me a lot of freedom. There are pros and cons but what's important is that I'm quite content.

Oops guess I got more personal than I wanted to. Anyway I just wanted to update my journal. I made a promise in here earlier that I would drop everything behind and travel full-time- the repercussion was a swift punch to the face if I didn't. 6 months to go. 

[luvlylisa]

eh out......shari ng is OK....as long as UR OK w what ur sharing.

Didn't know it'd be ur bday........so although I am on a drinking policy this year.....cheer s to u!

Funny when we reflect on where we've been and where we wanted to be and realize we're not there (yet) or how things have changed (whether planned or not or if we liked it or not).  Either way, it indeed is part of the journey and why and how we r who we r. 

u own a business?  (Did i know that? ) whachu do?   and allows u a lot of freedom...hrrr mmmmm.  at least ur content, and in the end that's all that matters.

so have u made a list of where u wanted to go yet.....and for how long?  or r u just going to let the wind take ya and "roam" around the world?

Been awhile. 

My birthday is coming up in a day and I can't believe I'm turning 21 Where has the time gone?

Well I had written a long reflective and deep post about this milestone, but changed my mind at the last second about publishing personal things on here. I'm just very grateful to have enjoyed life despite the hardships. My mom passed away around this age and that's a reminder how precious time is.. and how lucky I am to still be alive and healthy.

It's funny to think back to what I expected out of life when I was 15, when I was 18, when I was 21, and even 26. Things certainly have not gone the way I had planned but that's why they say it's a journey and not a destination. I thought I would be married by now with children, working a traditional 9-5, and growing comfortably fat and bald. Instead I'm single with no children(that I know of lol) and I own this rad business which gives me a lot of freedom. There are pros and cons but what's important is that I'm quite content.

Oops guess I got more personal than I wanted to. Anyway I just wanted to update my journal. I made a promise in here earlier that I would drop everything behind and travel full-time- the repercussion was a swift punch to the face if I didn't. 6 months to go.