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Author Topic: Lilly's Journal  (Read 2233 times)

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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #60 on: June 12, 2019, 10:38:34 PM »
So much tears.  So much freaken tears.  I wish I could rip my heart out and give it to an alligator to eat.  Eff you, love.  Eff you very much.  I'm going to sleep.  Please, have mercy on me, Mcdreamy!  Don't follow me into my dreams!


« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 03:45:34 PM by lilly »

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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #61 on: June 12, 2019, 11:13:29 PM »
Eff!  I couldn't sleep so I finished watching "This Is Not what I Expected".  Dumb idea!  I'm such an idiot.  It just made me think of you even more.  OMGawwww!!!  I want us to look at sunsets and sunrises together now!  It only made me miss you and long for you more!   W in the actual F!  I hate love!  Love suuuuuucksss!



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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #62 on: June 12, 2019, 11:15:36 PM »
OK, going to bed for real now. Don't come into my dreams. Not tonight, Mcdreamy.  Not tonight. Have mercy.



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Offline anonymouse

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #63 on: June 13, 2019, 12:00:19 AM »
If love hurts this much, why is everyone searching for love?  I don't get ittt!  I'm never loving anyone ever again.   :'( :'( :'(

Everyone is searching for something they won't be able to find.  Can't find love if you don't know what you're looking for.

What is love? Is it a bird? Is it a rose?  Is it the air we breathe?  Is it an emotion?  Is it a man?  Is it a woman?  Love can be all of the above.  Love can be none of the above.




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Try to change the things you cannot accept.

Offline anonymouse

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #64 on: June 13, 2019, 12:01:44 AM »
Omg, I need to stop listening to depressing songs.  But when you're depressed all you want to listen to is depressing songs! 

How do you let go of someone you love with all of your heart?  How do you stop loving your soulmate?  How do you stop thinking about this person when they are in every fiber of your being?  When every day for months you've lived and breathed this person for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, how do you then all of a sudden force yourself to act like this person no longer exists and force yourself to move on from this person?  How do you cut this person out of your heart and pretend they don't mean anything to you anymore?  How do you stop feeling things for this person?  Eff!  I have a migraine!  I have a headache.  My heart is bleeding.  This is too much for me.  I never want to love anyone this much ever again.  Leave me alone, stupid love.  I don't need you ever again, because you hurt me too much.

Then you need to avoid all hmong songs.  They are all depressing and sappy.

You learn to move on, in whatever way you do it.  You will. 



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Online VillainousHero

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #65 on: June 13, 2019, 01:08:40 AM »
Omg, I need to stop listening to depressing songs.  But when you're depressed all you want to listen to is depressing songs! 

How do you let go of someone you love with all of your heart?  How do you stop loving your soulmate?  How do you stop thinking about this person when they are in every fiber of your being?  When every day for months you've lived and breathed this person for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, how do you then all of a sudden force yourself to act like this person no longer exists and force yourself to move on from this person?  How do you cut this person out of your heart and pretend they don't mean anything to you anymore?  How do you stop feeling things for this person?  Eff!  I have a migraine!  I have a headache.  My heart is bleeding.  This is too much for me.  I never want to love anyone this much ever again.  Leave me alone, stupid love.  I don't need you ever again, because you hurt me too much.

How do you let go.  How I know it all too well.  When you know, that they do more harm than good.  When you know that you've come to terms and accept that fact.  When you've given your all...not...an d then even more than your all and it was still on the path of destruction.  You should never forget.  It's that pain that you should never forget.  A lesson to learn and never be relived.  You cut chains that drag you down.  You break the chains that holds you down.  You make that conviction to not be sorry for yourself anymore.  All did you ever did was wanting to share your love.  Was it wrong?  Of course not.  What is wrong was you got used and abused.  You were taken for granted and never even been given a fair chance.  You got tricked and conned like a score to be consumed.  The love that you seek was wrong.  That is why you hurt. 

I know it all too well.  You've forgotten how to love yourself.  You've forgotten what you needed to keep your spirits uplifted.  You've forgotten how you used to be before.  You've forgotten how to live with your own strength.  It's all still there.  Trust me, it's still there.  I've had my fair share.  I've had to endure it all alone.  I've had to have fallen into despair and even beyond.  I had thought life was over and meaningless.  However I still had to desire to live.  I had to re-discover myself.  What was that sparkle of life within.  It was still there.  It was what I had forgotten to feed and fuel.  It happened in time, whilst I still had the urge.  I still knew I had the one treasure that I had not shared.  I truly haven't had shared my soul, my true love.  If that would've been the case...I wouldn't been put through this ordeal in the first place.

I know it all too well.  You only wanted to share.  Even your pain, your suffering, your misery.  Isn't that what your soul is crying for?  Stop searching for love.  You've already have it.  You've already had it.  You still have it.  Do you still want to share it?  Do you want someone to share it?  Do you know it?  Do you deserve something better?  Of course you do. Do you know it is you, only you have to love yourself first.  It's always been there.  The beauty that you see in someone else.  You have that same beauty within yourself.  You only need maybe someone to show you, it's there.

I know it all too well.  After the fight and the dust has settled down.  You find yourself alone and perhaps standing, staring, towering over your past hurt corpse.  The morbid facade of a life you so painfully took repeated stabs straight to the heart.  Enough is enough.  Too much is too much.  I give up.  I give in.  I gave out.  I gave it all.  I hurt enough, too much, hurt in and out, hurt all over.  All over.  That's all over.  Yes it was the hurt all over.  It's over.  It is because I hurt so much, that I knew I was still alive and still yearn to live.

I know it all too well.  To live for myself first, then for my children.  To love myself first, so that I can love my children.  So that I can show my love to my children.  So that I can be living proof that love is something that I share with, not look for.  I never needed to look for love in the first place.  I just needed to remember, that I had always had it.  I still have it.  My love.  My love to share.

I know it all too well.  Look inside yourself.  For that little spark.  Remember before.  Recall how it was.  How to feed and fuel that spark of life.  That little spark of life, that you only wanted to share.




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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #66 on: June 14, 2019, 12:01:39 PM »
Then you need to avoid all hmong songs.  They are all depressing and sappy.

You learn to move on, in whatever way you do it.  You will. 

Yes, listening to sad and sappy songs will certainly not improve your mood when you're already feeling down.  Most times they exacerbate your sad feelings and prolong your downcast mood.  But they're also healing in a way too... those songs are kinda like your best friend when you're feeling heavy stuff... it's like they understand what you're going through and they're holding your hand through it even though they can't really help you out much.  :)


Everyone is searching for something they won't be able to find.  Can't find love if you don't know what you're looking for.

What is love? Is it a bird? Is it a rose?  Is it the air we breathe?  Is it an emotion?  Is it a man?  Is it a woman?  Love can be all of the above.  Love can be none of the above.

I think everyone knows what they are searching for.  Everyone has a yearning in their heart for what they want out of "romantic" love.  What is romantic love?  I think romantic love is a feeling.  It's a feeling of happiness you get from knowing that someone really cares about you and loves you and knowing that you feel the same exact way back towards that person.  That feeling gives you wings, it puts you in an elevated and blissful state of mind.  It's a high.  People do drugs to get a high because that feeling of feeling high is such a good feeling.  The high you get from being loved and loving someone, though, is much better than those other highs... because that feeling of loving someone and being loved does such good and beautiful stuff to not just your mind, but to your heart and your soul as well.  It's such a beautiful feeling and a great state of mind to be in.  When you don't have that feeling, you feel a certain void and emptiness... like something is missing from your life.  Of course a lot of people can be happy and content and exist solo, but for many, they want to feel that high or crave that high... because that high is like icing on the cake.  You don't need the icing, but sometimes the cake tastes so much better and more satisfying with icing on it.


« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 02:37:54 PM by lilly »

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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #67 on: June 14, 2019, 12:15:54 PM »
How do you let go.  How I know it all too well.  When you know, that they do more harm than good.  When you know that you've come to terms and accept that fact.  When you've given your all...not...an d then even more than your all and it was still on the path of destruction.  You should never forget.  It's that pain that you should never forget.  A lesson to learn and never be relived.  You cut chains that drag you down.  You break the chains that holds you down.  You make that conviction to not be sorry for yourself anymore.  All did you ever did was wanting to share your love.  Was it wrong?  Of course not.  What is wrong was you got used and abused.  You were taken for granted and never even been given a fair chance.  You got tricked and conned like a score to be consumed.  The love that you seek was wrong.  That is why you hurt. 

I know it all too well.  You've forgotten how to love yourself.  You've forgotten what you needed to keep your spirits uplifted.  You've forgotten how you used to be before.  You've forgotten how to live with your own strength.  It's all still there.  Trust me, it's still there.  I've had my fair share.  I've had to endure it all alone.  I've had to have fallen into despair and even beyond.  I had thought life was over and meaningless.  However I still had to desire to live.  I had to re-discover myself.  What was that sparkle of life within.  It was still there.  It was what I had forgotten to feed and fuel.  It happened in time, whilst I still had the urge.  I still knew I had the one treasure that I had not shared.  I truly haven't had shared my soul, my true love.  If that would've been the case...I wouldn't been put through this ordeal in the first place.

I know it all too well.  You only wanted to share.  Even your pain, your suffering, your misery.  Isn't that what your soul is crying for?  Stop searching for love.  You've already have it.  You've already had it.  You still have it.  Do you still want to share it?  Do you want someone to share it?  Do you know it?  Do you deserve something better?  Of course you do. Do you know it is you, only you have to love yourself first.  It's always been there.  The beauty that you see in someone else.  You have that same beauty within yourself.  You only need maybe someone to show you, it's there.

I know it all too well.  After the fight and the dust has settled down.  You find yourself alone and perhaps standing, staring, towering over your past hurt corpse.  The morbid facade of a life you so painfully took repeated stabs straight to the heart.  Enough is enough.  Too much is too much.  I give up.  I give in.  I gave out.  I gave it all.  I hurt enough, too much, hurt in and out, hurt all over.  All over.  That's all over.  Yes it was the hurt all over.  It's over.  It is because I hurt so much, that I knew I was still alive and still yearn to live.

I know it all too well.  To live for myself first, then for my children.  To love myself first, so that I can love my children.  So that I can show my love to my children.  So that I can be living proof that love is something that I share with, not look for.  I never needed to look for love in the first place.  I just needed to remember, that I had always had it.  I still have it.  My love.  My love to share.

I know it all too well.  Look inside yourself.  For that little spark.  Remember before.  Recall how it was.  How to feed and fuel that spark of life.  That little spark of life, that you only wanted to share.

Thank you for your words, VillainousHero .  It's helpful to know that we're not alone in our experiences.  I appreciate it.  Thank you for your insights on how to deal with these types of emotions and experiences.  And yes, we must remember to look within ourselves because our strength comes not from anyone else but from within.  We hold the power to how we will react in any given situation, we hold the power over our own lives and our emotions.  Be sad and cry, for we are human after all with feelings, but don't be sad and cry for long.  Be always optimistic, brush things off and pick yourself back up from off the ground and keep on trotting, baby!



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Offline lilly

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Re: Lilly's Journal
« Reply #68 on: June 14, 2019, 05:31:32 PM »
I got a call earlier today from my home/auto insurance agent and it left me feeling so... happy and appreciated.  He sends a card every year but this year he decided to add to that and called me up to wish me a happy early birthday personally.  He's such a great guy. 

I think I've been very lucky with the people that I do business with.  Somehow they and I end up seeing past the business relationship and we come to a genuine appreciation for one another as people. 

Anyway, my home/auto insurance agent told me awhile back that he thought highly of me and that he liked me a lot as a person.  He told me I asked a lot of good questions and he thought I was smart and that I'm one of a few of his clients that he genuinely enjoyed talking to.  That's a huge compliment.  I know it's his job to retain clients so he will say nice things... but I hear sincerity in his voice whenever we talk because we've established a friendship that's beyond the professional relationship.  I met with him a few times and he not only goes through the different auto and home insurance options with me but really took his time to give me the big picture and educate me on things.  Our conversations usually expand past home/auto insurance into talks about family, kids, plans and goals for the future, etc.  He willingly shares his opinions and gives me really good tips and pointers on things and gives advice on other non-insurance topics.  I like that he talks to me like how a friend would talk to their friend.  I'm glad he's just 6 few years older than me.  I really liked my last agent as well and was with him until he retired.  I'm glad this current agent will not be retiring soon so I don't have to look for a new one.

I also enjoy working with other business professionals on other types of transactions.  My loan officer tells me she really likes me because I ask a lot of smart questions and that she enjoys our relationship.  Then there are those people that I take my car in to to get maintenance done on.  Those people really like working with me as well.  Whenever I go in it's all smiles.  Maybe it's because I'm really nice and I always give them tips?   ;D

But anyway, I guess the phone call today from my home/auto insurance agent reminded me that, often our experiences with other people are a two-way street.  Your experiences with other people are often determined by your own attitude and personality.  If you carry yourself with class, are a nice person, and talk to people in a respectful manner, most people will treat you the same way back.  I love being reminded that at the end of the day, I'm able to have human relationships with the people that I do business with.


« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 05:39:15 PM by lilly »

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